A scout master and a Boy Scout are walking in to the woods

The sun is setting and the Boy Scout looks up and says, “it’s starting to get dark, I’m scared.” The scout master responds “you think you’re scared? I have to walk out of here alone”

What is worse than a Boy Scout in your pocket?

A Brownie in your pants.

Scouts are an easy-going bunch.

But they can be in tents

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You hear the one about the incontinent boy scout?

Shits intense.

Where does the TF2 Scout keep his Money?

In his BONK Account.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a boy scout are on a plane losing altitude and there are only 3 parachutes...

Vladimir Putin jumps up and declares, “I am the smartest Russian in the world! My people need me! I will not die here!” Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the plane before anyone can say anything in response.

Watching intently and taking notes the entire time Putin was speaking Donald T...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:

She: "What do you want, Sonny?"

He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"

She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"

He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant?

Fajitas

What’s the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?

One comes back from camp

What do you call a boy scout lost in the woods?

A bear trap.

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

What do Boy Scouts and bondage fetishists have in common?

Knot a lot.

A king sends a scout to the northern part of his territory.

The scout returns and rushes to the King to deliver his report.
"Your Grace, the northerners are revolting!"


The King replies, "I do know that they don't take a bath that often, but isn't it a bit too rude to call them that?"

Which animal was the best at girls scout club

A Badge-r

Why are Boy Scouts annoying to play video games with?

Because they’re good at camping!

A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…

He called it "Beep Repaired."

My son was worried about going to a Boy Scouts meeting for the first time...

I told him he had knotting to worry about.

Why do girl scout cookies taste so good?

child labor

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour.

A Scout ran to pick it up.

“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer.

“It’s self-rising.”

How many boy scouts does take to change a lightbulb?

One. But it takes a few days, because he only gives it a good turn daily.

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A politician, priest and scout duo are in a crashing plane....

There are only 2 parachutes left and they are arguing who gets them

Politician: I'm an important man with connections I can help alot of people

Priest: I help people of all ages with all sorts of problems. I can't help alot if people too

Scout: We are only children and have my w...

A joke from my scout troop a while back.

Jim had always wanted to run a train. It was his dream since he was a child. His mind was set and no other career moved him the way a train had. He did well in school, and when he was accepted to the local Railway school, he was stoked.

4 years later, he had his first job of running the train...

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Barack Obama, the Pope, Hilary Clinton and a boy scout are on a plane...

The plane is about to crash when they realize there are only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger, President Obama said “I am the president of the United States, as much as it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I must insist I take a parachute. I have a great responsibility, being the leader...

An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane.

The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash.

the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out.

The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps...

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods late one night, the woods are very dense and quite terrifying at this late hour. As they travel deeper and deeper into the woods the cub scout becomes more and more terrified of his surroundings, "it sure is scary out here scout master Kevin, I'm real...

Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"

He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination

But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus ...

Some boy scouts are sitting around a campfire...

Some boy scouts are sitting around a camp fire and begin to tell some jokes. The first one lets out a chuckle and says, "13". The rest of the scouts chuckle and another says, "Heh, 6". This gets a good laugh from most of them and a third replies with "8". At this point they are at the point of tears...

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how...

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

Joke Johnny Carson slipped by the censors

I'm not sure if this was an original Carson joke or one he could have borrowed:

One night Johnny got to talking about his Nebraska roots and he told this alleged true story during a sketch scene. Johnny mentioned that the most fearsome Indian tribe were not the Sioux, nor the Apache or even ...

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A dutch and belgian soldier patroll the river maas. (Srry if repost)

Patrols are conducted on both sides of the river Maas. A Dutch soldier walks on one side, a Belgian soldier on the other. It is early in the morning and there is still some fog on the water.

The Dutch soldier wonders which section of the army the Belgian soldier is on. He wants to ask the Be...

Why aren't there any fat girls on the boxes of girl scout cookies?

Because good drug dealers don't use their own product.

I was banned from being a Scout leader after a baking mishap on a joint group weekend camping trip.

I fudged a Brownie.

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

If you die in a dream

A scout master is wrapping up scary stories around the campfire.

One kid asks “Is it true if you die in a dream, you die in real life?”

“Oh no, not at all.” replies the scout master.

All the children sigh in relief.

“On the other hand, if you pee in a dream...”

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: “Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.”

Alien Commander: “This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?”

Alien Scout: “Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.”

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Two travellers a boy scout and a priest are on a crashing plane...

The first traveller tells the second: there's only one parachute, the boy scout is the youngest he should take it.

The second traveller replies: Nah fuck him.

The priest asks: Do you think we have time?

What do you call a priest in a candy shop?

A scout

A Genius, an Old Farmer, and a Boy Scout are on a plane...

...The pilot enters the cabin and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I've done everything I can, but the plane is falling and going to crash. Now, there are only 3 parachutes on this plane. I've got a wife at home with 2 young kids and another on the way, so I'm going to use one of them." He then picks up a...

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

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A blonde a Catholic and a Boy Scout

So a blonde going on vacation, and a Boy Scout on his way to retreat with his father get on a small aircraft with the pilot who is an old and devout catholic.

The pilot sees the Boy Scout is shouldering a large pack and takes it from him, laying it near the door. They all take their seats an...

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Little Johnny was out selling apples raising money for his boy scout troop...

He's going door to door in an apartment complex and he knocks on one of the doors.

The door opens and there is standing the most stunning woman Johnny has ever seen completely naked.

Johnny stammers out "Good day lady. Would you like to buy some apples?"

The woman grabs Johnny ...

I heard they're letting girls join the boy scouts now.

They're going to help the boys pitch a tent.

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A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane.

The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down.

Scout Leader "There aren't enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!"

Lawyer "Fuck the children!"

Priest "Do you think there's time?"

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An officer, a lawyer, a priest and three boy scouts are on a plane tumbling from the sky. They only have three parachutes.

The officer says "save the boys they have their whole lives ahead of them!" The lawyer says "fuck the boys I want to live!" The priest says "when do we start?"

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Call of Duty is like the Boy Scouts,

everyone's gay, and there's a lot of camping.

My scout friend recently passed away. He died doing what he loved

Tying knots

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

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A talent scout walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and starts talking to the patron next to him, and somehow they start talking about their jobs.

"I'm a talent scout," the scout says, "I'm always looking for the next big act!"

"Really?," says the patron, intrigued. "I've got a fantastic act, more brilliant than anythin...

[NSFW] Why did Roy Moore never miss a local Girl Scouts' meeting?

Because Brownies are delicious.

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jewish person?

The Boy Scout comes home from camp.
^First ^time ^posting ^on ^this ^sub ^don't ^know ^what's ^too ^offensive ^and ^what's ^not ^sorry.

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A priest, rabbi, lawyer, and boy scouts were on an airplane.

The airplane is going down. There are only enough parachutes for a few of them.

The rabbi says, 'I'm an old man. We should give the parachutes to the boy scouts. Save them."

The lawyer responds, "What?! FUCK THE BOY SCOUTS!"

The priest quickly checks his watch, "DO WE HAVE TIME!...

A French General sees a German and sends a scout over a hill.

After a little bit, the general hears gunshots, and the scout does not return.
Angry, the general sends a squad over the hill. Once again, there are gunshots, and the squad doesn't return.
The general cursed and stomped the ground and sent a whole platoon over the hill. Yet again, a fire...

How are socks like Boy Scouts?

They always come pre-paired.

My son went on a camping adventure with the Boy Scouts group

He told me it was in tents.

The President, the First Lady, a boy scout and a pilot are on a plane.

(Not sure if this one has been submitted already)

Suddenly, a bird gets stuck in one of the engines, causing it to burst into flames. The pilot tells the passengers that the plane will crash, but there are only 3 parachutes on the plane.

The president grabs one and says, "I am the most...

Why do the scouts always get coal from Santa?

Because they're all on the knotty list

A guy takes his talking dog to a talent scout.

“This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?”

“Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.”

“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What...

The Boy Scouts came up with the strongest knot in the world...

You just leave a pair of earbuds in your pocket while you're hiking.

A Very Anxious Scout Was Tying Together Some Stuff

But he couldn’t keep it together.

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

Why did the gamer refuse to join the Boy Scouts?

He hates camping

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A Green Beret, a Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Marine Recon Scout are sitting around a campfire...

...telling stories about their service.

The green beret said "I once sneaked into enemy territory under the cover of night, killed 10 men, and sneaked back out"

 


"That's nothing!" the navy seal said. "I once swam 10 miles into enemy territory, killed 25 men, and sw...

I would never want to join the Boy Scouts of America

They’re just a bunch of BS

Boy Scout

A boy scout was walking around a pond when all of a sudden a frog jumped out in front of him,"Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess!" The boy thought about it for a moment then picked the frog up, put it in his pocket, and continued walking. The frog jumped back out of the boy's pocket "Wh...

Girl guides

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was
selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting
several homes, she commented on the different styles of
doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.

We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound li...

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Letter from Scout Camp

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

...

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My Mom said I should marry the first person I had sex with [nsfw]

I said "Mom, nobody wants to marry their Boy Scout Troop Leader"

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