Orient Jokes - 78 Hilarious Orient Jokes

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

Missed Orientation Class of Fight Club

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

Not mine and could be old but this will not age

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I tried to ask a mod what his sexual orientation was...

But I couldn’t get a straight answer

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

My math-oriented co-worker just broke this one out

A man stumbles upon a frog while walking home. While looking at the frog, it starts to speak to him.

"Hello!", it says, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman!"

The man smiles, puts the frog into his pocket and continues on his way. A few hours later, he hears the voice of...

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

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As a result of the ongoing pandemic, my sexual orientation has changed.

I am now homesexual.

What is the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Inheritance

They say that orienteering gives you a sense of freedom.

I don’t think that is true, there are controls everywhere!

(Seeing as Americans don’t know what orienteering is I foresee this joke bombing!) :D

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"What's your sexual orientation?"

"North West".

How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?

Dairy

The Orientation for my new job at the Mattress Store was today.

The Manager handed me a King-sized Blanket and said, "Well, I think that covers just about everything here."

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Mother superior is doing the orientation ...

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have sex with you?"

"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly
...

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I'm questioning my sexual orientation.

I can't think straight.

If you spun an Oriental guy around and round...

Would he become _disoriented?_

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Microsoft hires regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.

It's a very PC work environment.

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What do you call a motorcyclist who questions their sexual orientation?

Bike-curious.

Why can't an Oriental couple have a Caucasian child?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

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How many sexual orientations does a physicist have?

Six: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Top and Bottom.

Three old men have just arrived in heaven and are attending an orientation meeting.

They are all asked, "When you are at the funeral and your friends and families are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would...

Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

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My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe ...

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What is the shittiest part of Object Oriented Programming?

Reading the abbreviation backwards.

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.

Could be a Chinese Wispa.

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What is Arnold Schwarzenegger's sexual orientation?

Bicepsual.

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From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

Girl you are like a fine oriental rug...

...you'd look great on hardwood.

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what is a job that has equality for all sexual orientation?

a blowjob.

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

A young pirate on his first day on the job was having an orientation with the captain.

The captain said, "So this meeting is nearly over, do you have any questions?"

The young pirate replied, "Yeah, I noticed there are no women on the ship. What should I do if I get urges?"

"Oh yeah. There's a barrel in the back of the ship with a hole in it. Just go to town on it whenev...

What happens if you spin an oriental person around really fast for an extended period of time?

They become disoriented.

If I ever become a DJ, my name will be DJ Oriental Immigrant

Because I lay down sick tracks

So I released a new cook book in the oriental side of town.

It's called *101 ways to wok your dog*

What's the difference between a lobster and an oriental woman run over by a steamroller?

One's a crustacean and the other a crushed Asian.

I'm currently working on a management oriented book focused on the delegation of tasks

"I'll have my secretary let you know when my intern finishes writing it." - Mr. Manager

Cordially,

Mrs. Team Lead

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

To the guy with the friend who dates Asians....

Maybe he just needs some time to re-orient himself?

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

The language of Heaven

(Mind you, I got this joke from a Russian)

A policeman is walking around on patrol when he spots an older gentleman sitting on a bench outside Vladivostok train station. The man on the bench seems to be muttering intensely to himself. Curious, the policeman walks up to him and asks:

"G...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

Widow dies and goes to Heaven

After the usual check in orientation, she looks up her husband and goes to the cloud he usually hang out at

After sometime wondering she finally finds him and says: “my darling! I have missed you so much! heaven is now for us to enjoy for all ete...”

The Husband then interrupts and say...

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Submitted Dating ad:

I am man, 33, looking for a long term relationship.
Profession: Member of parliament for 11 years.
Traits: Strenuous, hard-working, righteous, honest, incorrupt, truthful, fighting for the rights of poor people.

Answer:
I am 30.
Profession: Working 15 years as a prostitute.
Tra...

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Boys in the girls' dorm

During college orientation the chancellor addressed the incoming class. "The girls' dormitory will be off-limits to male students," he said. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for his first infraction, $100 for the second time it happens and $250 if he is caught again."

A ma...

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A Chinese man dies and goes to hell

He arrives in time for Hell orientation. As he walks into the orientation room, he looks around and finds an empty seat and sits down. The orientation staff woman starts off the meeting with a roll-call:

"Do we have Mr. Johnson present?"

"Here," says a man.

"Mr. Smith?"
...

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

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A Jewish couple go to a Chinese restaurant.

The man says to the woman, "I wonder if there are Oriental Jews?" So he decides to ask the waiter. The waiter tells him to wait, and he'll go ask the chef. When he returns, he tells the man,"Chef say no Oriental jews, only olange jews and glapfloot jews."

I don't get why incest jokes aren't popular.

They're all family oriented

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My wife let me get anal last night.

It felt great synchronizing the clocks and correcting the toilet paper orientation.

What do you call the process of becoming an honorary Asian?

Orientation.

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

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In LGBTQ acronym, "Q" stands for "queer" or "questioning"...

It's the "Don't ask, can't tell" sexual orientation.

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At Pirate boot camp

BOATSWAIN: "That concludes orientation. Any questions?"

ME: (raises rubber hook hand) "Why do they call it trimming the mainsail? Why not mast abating?"

What do you call a programming language designed for women?

An object oriented programming language.

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A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finis...

When I was in college I got my first job as a bartender...

...during orientation the manager told me about some of the regulars including Doctor John. He said Doctor John would come in every Thursday and order the same thing, 2 maple daiquiri's. It was pretty simple to make, some white rum, lime juice and maple syrup.

So my first Thursday shift arri...

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An old cowboy is sitting at a bar next to a young Japanese man

An old cowboy is sitting at a bar next to a young Japanese man.

The cowboy turns to the Japanese man, scowling and grunts "Hey kid, do you know King Fu or Jiu Jitsu or somewhat?

Severely offended the Japanese man says, "Just because I'm 'Oriental' doesn't mean I know Martial Arts."...

A blind man goes sky-diving.

A man, legally blind from birth decided that he wanted to live it up; to get out in the world and do things he'd always wanted to do, despite his disability. He'd start, he figured, with sky-diving; something he'd always been curious about.

So he signs up for a tandem dive, gets a proper orie...

Venezuelan and American in Hell

A Venezuelan and American arrive in Hell at the same time, Hell is short-staffed, and so they have orientation together. They are told part of their punishment is eating buckets of human excrement. Normally they would be segregated by nationality, but since they are together now they can each choose...

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

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Apple scraps a new product...

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

Why are programmers so consumeristic?

Because they're object oriented.

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A hermit, a clown, and a witty comeback...

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a shaggy dog story...

An old hermit has been living alone in the wilderness for many, many years. He decides that it is finally time to rejoin society. He sees in the local paper that the circus is coming to a nearby town and decides that a circus would be a wonderful...

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Baby Delivery

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.

Then the torso came out and it was ye...

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Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. a woman
2. a donkey
3. a shovel
4. a fish
5. a Star of David

They decided that this...

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An American and a Soviet die and go to hell...

Satan meets them at the gate.

"Just for fun, I'ma give you two both a choice. You can either go to American or Soviet hell."

"What's the difference, trucker?" asks Arlo Freedom.
"Would they not simply be the 2010s versions of our countries?" entreats Ivan Dmitrovich.

"Not rea...

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3 guys go to hell...

3 guys go to hell, and the devil greets them for orientation.
"You each came here for different reasons" he says, "but I'm going to let you pick one vice, and you can do that, but ONLY that, for eternity."

So he goes to the first guy, who was an alcoholic, and after a moment of thought th...

Trying out a new restaurant...

A new oriental restaurant opened down the road from my house a few weeks ago, so last Friday I thought I'd go and try it out. As I arrive, I'm served promptly, and the waiter sits me next to a couple. As the waiter hands me my menu, I look to see what the couple next to me are eating. Nothing looked...

My neighbors are Democrats and I'm Republican

One day I was working in the garden when they came home with their young daughter from school.
I asked them how everything was going and they told me that a job orientation week had just taken place.

So I asked their daughter: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She respond...

An Italian, An Irishman and a Chinese fellow.

Hopefully not posted earlier.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.” Fina...

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Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room....

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O.J. Simpson Dies

O.J. Simpson dies and went to hell. When he arrived the Devil met him and began the orientation process. The Devil told O.J. that here in hell you get to decide how you want to spend the rest of eternity. They go to the first door and inside is Josef Stalin, he is being burnt alive over and over. T...

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's.

One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?"

"I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he to...

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First-year med-students in their first anatomy class...

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

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A motorcycle cop stops

a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade,...

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Insults

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...

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