What do you call an onion that’s got rhythm, rhyme, and a Soundcloud account?

A rapscallion.

Someone attacked me with a rhythm stick.

Luckily I was eligible to claim for personal iandury.

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

If so you could be eligible for a personal Ian Dury claim...

Probably only people in the UK will get this. And of them only those of a certain age. I make no apologies...

The reason Rhianna stopped working with Chris Brown was because he had awful rhythm...

He put too many beats in a measure

Lumberjacks are good at maths because of their log rhythms

Thanks, HL Math.

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

The other day some guy came up to me, called me a Blockhead and then proceeded to hit me with his rhythm stick...

I though "That just adds insult to Ian Dury."

Step 1: Walk without rhythm, Step 2: Ride the worm

Step 3: Prophet

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I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

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So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.


The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.


The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.


But, the Spanish soldi...

The dancing aliens (LONG)

On the first contact mission to Mars two astronauts where sent up to make contact with the other worldly beings. After 300 long days in the space ship the astronauts finally landed on Mars what they saw deeply surprised them they saw 2 beautiful humanoid figures welcoming them with open arms. The as...

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Passionate Sex at 95

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Rubia went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, *'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunda...

What kind of music does a fallen tree branch dance to?

Log-rhythm

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I wrote some good books about music. What pisses me off is that...

...nobody wants to rhythm.

How do politicians solve math problems?

They use the Al Gore Rhythm.

They should make a TV show about people who dance on logs,

They can call it Log-a-Rhythm.

Bug in the Barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udde...

Some people claim Al Gore dances too robotically

He says its just his Al Gore rhythm

If Vice President Al Gore was a musician.....

He could call his group “The Al Gore Rhythms”

What do you call a Mathematical song that could save the environment?

An Al-Gore-Rhythm.

Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order.

But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, "I'll go rhythms. "

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your door?

The knocking is off rhythm and they don’t know when to come in.

Scientists have discovered a new species of moss that can perform arithmetic calculations.

They do this using algae-rhythms.

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So a grandma is telling her son about her sex life with her now deceased parter

She says 'Ah yes, every Sunday she says, we would have sex in rhythm to the church bells, ding, dong, in, out so on so forth

The grandfather died from having sex on Sunday, which the son was confused as to why it was different this time round

'so why did he have a heart attack on Sund...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".

I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm

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Dreading another day of being teased and bullied at school, Tyrone was trudging along the sidewalk,

dragging his hand along the neighbor's fences when he felt something wet. He looked at his hand to find white paint on his fingers and got a brilliant idea. Tyrone rubbed his hands up and down the fence and slathered his face and body with white paint.

People immediately treated Tyrone better...

'80s music always frightened me.

I was scared the rhythm really was gonna get me.

What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves?

An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.

What Happens When You Cross A Programmer And A Musician?

An Algo-rhythm.

My friend has been working on an Al Gore-themed dancing game

I asked him how it works, but it apparently runs off of a very secret Al Gore rhythm.

How was Bill Clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency?

He had a great Al Gore rhythm.

Why did the ex Vice President dance so procedurally?

He invented an Al-Gore-Rhythm.

I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance.

Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.

Three women get together for coffee

and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.

The first woman says: "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice."

The second woman says: "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for ...

There was a Political Drum-Off last week, sponsored by the mathletes...

Democrats and Republicans took turns showing off their best drum licks, while answering math problems in between.

Turns out the Republicans lost. They couldn't handle Al Gore rhythms.

How do you know when there's a lead singer at the door?

The knocking is all out of rhythm, they can't find the key, and they never know when to come in!

What did the mathematician play on his guitar?

An algo-rhythm

A musician, a lumberjack, and a mathematician were in a room together...

They made a log-rhythm.

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A woman goes to visit her recently widowed mother.

"Finally", she says, "I think I'm ready to hear how Dad passed away."

Her elderly mother, who loved her husband dearly, was finally ready to explain.

"Well, your poor father had a heart attack. You see, we used to have sex twice a week, and always exactly at noon".

Somewhat re...

Why did the hypothalamus want to join a band?

Because it had great circadian rhythms.

So if he didn't invent the internet...

then why does everything in it run on "Al Gore rhythms"?

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Saw an Iranian joke and I want to share my favorite.

An ensemble of musicians is auditioning for a caliph's court. After the ensemble is ushered in, they perform a beautiful set lasting approximately an hour, complete with long improvisations. The caliph is very pleased and says, "Servants! I order you to fill these men's music instruments with pricel...

Can someone help me find some videos of Al Gore dancing?

I'm trying to solve a Rubik's cube and a friend told me that using Al Gore Rhythms could help.

A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...

Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.

"There's only two...

What was the title of the soundtrack to 'The Inconvenient Truth'?

Al Gore Rhythms

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Old enough to serve, not old enough to be served: the Army and Alcohol

There was a thread a while back where a pun thread took off; it was about the moral hypocrisy of being allowed to put your life at risk fighting in war, while simultaneously not being allowed to drink alcohol.

While I detest most pun threads, this one seemed entertaining to me for some reason...

Collection of band jokes:

I used to be in a Jazz band and there were a bunch of band jokes our conductor made, here are the ones I can remember:

How do you know if a drummer is at your door?

He never knows when to come in.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the piano ...

[OC] Al Gore decides to write a series of educational songs about the environment.

He presents the head of the production company with the lyrics for his songs, including the lyrics for one song about animals in forest habitats, which has over 500 lines.

The head of the production company says, "wait, this song is way too long! This isn't a very efficient way of conveying y...

A date with the lead guitarist

(oc)
This groupie finally got a date with the lead guitarist of her band.

The next day, her friends asked her how things went. "Well", she replied, "it was frustrating... the guy spent half his time tuning up and the other half playing out of rhythm."

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