How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks..

Yet after two weeks I'm still asian

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?

Go ask your mother

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

The gyms must remain open

The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press

Which space on a Battleship grid guarantees victory?

I1

Jesus saves!

Moses invests!

But only Buddha guarantees returns.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I honestly donโ€™t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter

Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

I served an old man at the bar the other day.

He made me privy to a conversation he had just had with his wife. He asked her, "If I died, would you remarry?"

His wife replied, "Well...maybe, but no guarantees".

"You can't go through life lonely", he said. "I think you should. But would you live in our house together?"

"W...

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