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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A fucking stick!

In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals…

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked....

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy....

Inspector: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.....

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Not sure, changes with seasons...

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

When I was a kid I threw a boomerang, it didn't come back

It isn't a bad life I'm living, but it is a life in ongoing fear.

What’s it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

My dad still hasn’t come back yet

I’m starting to think it wasn’t an April fools joke

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My wife's test for Tourette Syndrome has come back negative.

Apparently I really am a cunt and she actually does want me to fuck off.

This guy born in the 50's called me to ask me the name of that toy that's supposed to come back to you

The boomer rang

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources?

No hom(e)o(stasis)

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me

All I remember is that it went over people’s heads

Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping

He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible

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Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

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My wife asked why i always come back with a boner after i go to the toilet?

Its not my fault they put a mirror in there!

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Three soldiers come back home from a gruesome battle in Afganistan

The army tells them “You will be given the highest decorations, and you will also receive ANYTHING you wish for”

The first soldier says “ I want 2 Million dollars” and it’s done

The second one goes “Damn, these guys aren’t fucking around huh...I want 5 Million” and gets them

The...

If I die and come back as a hillbilly

Is that reintarnation?

If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back.

call them up later when you're drunk !

The King of Spain has sequestered himself on his private jet until his Covid-19 results come back

The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane.

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

The other night, I asked a woman If she wanted to come back to my place for a cuddle.

She said, "There will be no spooning. There will definitely be no forking. But if you talk to me again, there will be a knifing."

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I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,

Gas prices

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A man's wife tells him "if you ever come back drunk again I'll leave you"

One night he goes out to a pub with a mate for a few drinks. They've both had a bit too much and eventually one of them is sick all over himself staining his shirt.

He's very embarrassed and exclaims to his friend "I can't go home looking like this. My wife will leave me!"

His friend c...

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

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Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

So Jesus decides to come back to earth...

He gets his friend Moses to come with him, and Moses tells him he should warm up doing miracles before he shows anyone. They rent a cabin on a lake out in the middle of nowhere.

The first day, Jesus takes a wine glass, fills it with water and turns it into wine! Moses is suitably impressed....

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

Back in my day you could go to the store with one dollar and come back with enough groceries to last you a week

Now they have security cameras

Ok Boomer memes are dead, but they will surely come back one day.

It's the boomerang efffect

If you want to hear a joke about construction, come back later

I'm working on it

I have just come back from Boots Pharmacy...

...to get a thermometer, but was told they were sold out by 8am that morning. I was told they had plenty of barometers on the shelves, but i said sorry, i don't give in to pressure sales.

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

I've just come back from the doctors, I've caught onomatorrhoea.

It's as bad as it sounds.

Girl at my workplace said that if I finished up before her, she'd let me come back to her place.

I'm proud to say, I finished before her twice today.

A redditor come back home

A redditor come back home just to find all of his heaters are gone but doesn't know who took them

A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I’ve heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.

After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where’s the girl?
She responds with: “you’ll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive “

My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

My mother used to say "never come back home late at night"

I never disobey her. I come back early in the morning.

I asked a girl to come back to my place and as she was looking through my books...

She asked, "How come you've got so many copies of 'War and Peace'?"

I replied, "It's a long story..."

I remember back in the day I use to go to the store with $2 and come back with 2 bags of chips, 3 candy bars, a pack of starbursts, and a soda...

But nowadays they have cameras everywhere

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

Did you know if you leave a group you’re singing with and then come back, they have to give you an Altoid?

It’s a re-choir mint

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back.

But all I wanted was that one night stand.

The headless horseman decided to never come back

After all, how could he face everyone?

Three vampire bats had a bet to see who could come back with the most blood, first bat comes back, nothing second bat also comes back nothing, third bat takes off and later returns with blood oozing out of his mouth, the other bats say where did you get all that blood? He replies, see that tree.

Well I didn't.

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

I asked my doctor: "Doc, did the lab results come back yet? The curiosity is killing me."

Doc: "Well, it's not the curiosity ..."

3 war heroes come back from 'nam...

An officer approaches the heroes and says "For your valiant effort and heroic action i will give you a monetary reward. Pick 2 points on your body i will measure the distance between the points and give you $10 for every inch between them."

The first man thinks hard then says "i choose the ti...

I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems.

Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus.

They say when you go to France that you never truly come back

Well that was somewhat true for princess Diana

I always save my eBay shopping for after I come back from 4/20

That way I'm always the highest bidder

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

People keep thinking jesus will come back...

Cmon guys, he was tied to a cross, not a boomerang

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