Go Out Jokes - 80 Hilarious Go Out Jokes

Five Jewish Women Go Out for Dinner

After their meals arrive, the waiter comes over and asks, "Ladies, is anything alright?"

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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on i...

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

Two older couples decide to go out for dinner.

The two husbands sit in the front seat, and the two wives in the rear. The driver asks "Where should we go"? The other gentleman says "We had some great fish the other day". "Where was that?" comes the reply. The passenger gets a confused look on his face. He thinks for a bit and says "Give me the n...

Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a ..vicious cycle.

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

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My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted,...

What do you call friends that you go out to eat with?

Taste buds.

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.

Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing

He is on the second hole when he notices
a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong...

This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

Why don’t pretzels ever go out of style?

Because they are usually kneaded

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender...

Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning, one husband called the other and said "No more girls' night out! My wife came back with no panties!" The other said, "You think that's bad? Mine came back with ...

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Two wives go out.

Two wives go out without their husbands.
Suddenly, they feel the urge to pee, but the without a toilet in sight the only place where they can find relief is in a nearby cementaty.
The first wife realises she has no paper so she cleans herself with her panty and throws it away.
The sec...

Never go out with a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

I asked Jeffery Dahmer if he wanted to go out for burgers...

…but he told me said he’s good; he’s got Five Guys at home.

Why did the contractor go out of business doing roofs?

Because they were always on the house.

Why didn't the skeleton go out on the town?

He had no body to go with.

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

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Daddy can I go out dancing with my friends tonight?

Dad can I go out dancing with my friends tonight?

Sure, but not with that miniskirt you're wearing

But dad why not?

Cause I can see your cock, George

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

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I hate people who go out in public while they have covid.

those fuckers make me sick

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Two women go on a night out...

Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst,...

After an undersea concert, a group of clam musicians go out for a night on the town

They all left their instruments at the concert hall, except for Connie, who always insists on bringing her harp wherever she goes. They started out at a hip dance club called "Sam's". After a few drinks, they moved on to a few other clubs. As they were leaving the last one, Connie cries out, "Oh ...

Three guys go out to the pub

They're drinking until one of them notices something feels off. He looks at the wall, just a dartboard. He looks at the floor, lovely oak with a few scratches. He looks at the counter, someone is rubbing oils on it. He asks the man, "What're you doing?" to which the man replied, "Keeping the bar ten...

My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over

I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

Why did the pirate go out of business?

He didn’t know how to raise his sales

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say...

"Look how high up in this tree I am".

Ernie, wanna go out for Ice Cream?

Sure, Bert.

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My wife asked me to go out and buy something that makes her look sexy.

She wasn't very pleased when I came home with a bottle of Vodka.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

Why don’t ghosts go out in public?

Because they look like sheet

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates..........

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the...

Seamus and Murphy wanted to go out drinking like respectable Irishman, but they didn't have alot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said to Seamus ‘Hang on my friend, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said ‘Are you crazy Murph? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’...

Where do birds go out for drinks?

The Crow Bar.

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I swear to god I did not go out Bowling

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he know...

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A boy and his grandpa go out fishing

A boy goes out fishing with his grandpa who is an old retired sailor, real rough around the edges kind of guy

While fishing grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it. The boy asks "can I have one?" And grandpa asks back "can you touch your pecker to your asshole?" The boy says "no" and gra...

Some of my less than savory friends suggest we go out and roll a drunk.

We had to give up when we couldn't find any rolling papers big enough.

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.

I told her, "We already have food in the house".

4 doctors from different countries go out for drink

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for ...

Thoughts go out my Mother-in-law. She's been taken to hospital after a bee landed on her face

Luckily she wasn't stung as I was too quick with the spade.

What does a closeted trans woman wear when they go out?

A masc

The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, "What's the matter with you ...

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.

Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.

The chef, from his own experie...

Why didn't Mrs. Caveman let her husband go out by himself?

Because he was going clubbing.

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

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Why do Australians, when they go out to dinner, always talk about chess?

Seriously! They always ask for the checkmate, and it’s starting to piss me off.

You know why Onlyfans is going to go out of business?

Because everything is half off.

A father and his son go out to fell a tree for Christmas

When the tree is felled and being brought back, the son asks, "Dad are you going to put the tree up yourself?"

"No, son, I'm going to put it up in our living room"

Two guys want to go out drinking.

They both have no money, but only 50 Cent.
"No worries" said the first guy "I have an idea, how we can drink the whole night anyway. Let's go to the butcher and buy a sausage for 50 Cent. I put it in my pants. We go to a bar and after finishing our drinks, you go on your knees, open my pants and ...

My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen

I heard she was a massive DMX fan

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

What kind of horses go out after dusk?

Nightmares

Why did the mountain top butcher shop go out of business?

The steaks were to high.

Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope.

That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

My friend asked if I wanted to go out for a horror movie.

I said I'd prefer the movie.

One night, three women go out to celebrate their college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I just gradu...

Why did the perfumer go out for a drink after work?

Because he didn't want to drink cologne.

After being inside for months, I decided to go out today.

The graphics were awesome, but the storyline is terrible.

Why don’t antivaxxers go out drinking?

They are against having shots

What is called when two guys go out for the evening while demonstrating safe covid protocol?

A mask man-date.

I asked this German woman on a scale of 1-10, how likely is it she would go out with me.

Don't mean to brag, but she said 9.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry cleaning service go out of business?

He always used too much starch.

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So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

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