I think my neighbor might be stalking me.

She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night

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A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket. He stares at her intently then says:

"Are you game?" "I sure am," she purrs. So he shoots her.

this girl says im stalking her

i just want to follow in her footsteps

What's so bad about stalking?

How else do we get corn?

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk?

A fungi to go out with

I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“Have you hit any yet” she asked

“Yeah, 3 male and 2 females”

Baffled she asked how he knew what they were

“Well 3 were in my beer and two were on the dishwasher”

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Q: What are the similarities between a nun and a stalking cat?

A: A patient pussy

My neighbour is stalking me.

I saw him checking my FB profile through my binoculars.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

My neighbor accused me of stalking her.

If you ask me, that's a pretty bold allegation for someone without a single book about law on the shelf.

Snuck up on a corn stalk

Pretty easy when they have no ears

Stalking is when two people go for a quiet walk in the woods.

But only one of them knows about it.

How do you sneak up on celery?

You stalk it.

2 men go hunting in the bush

As they were stalking an elk, a snake bit the first man. The second man freaked out and shot the snake. He then proceeded to call 000.

"000, what's your emergency?"

"Help! A snake bit my friend and I think he's dead!"

"Ok, we need to be sure if he's dead. Can you do that for me?...

What's the difference between waiting for a woman to get out of work and stalking?

I'm not sure either but I think Judge Kaplan is going to tell me on Monday.

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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There’s this fly.....

There’s a fly hovering six inches above the surface of the water.
A fish below the fly says to himself “if that fly drops six inches, I can leap up and catch the fly for dinner.”
There’s a bear on the bank of the water.
The bear says “if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to go...

"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

If a stalk brings good babies. A crow brings bad babies. What bird brings no babies?

A swallow

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

Ladies and Gentlemen, when it comes to stalking,

I’m 100% behind you.

You know what's my favorite part of my stalking support group?

You never have to introduce yourself.

I stalked someone once...

but then they turned left and all I could think was "This isn't right."

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

Someone told me that the best pokemon was the bird that holds a leek stalk

I said 'That's a little farfetch'd'

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, an asparagus stalk in the other ear, and an avocado under his armpit. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

2 elderly couples were walking down a street, the husbands were talking to each other and the wives were talking to each other...

Husband 1: "I went to a restaurant recently and it was absolutely delightful. For the first time my wife really enjoyed herself:

Husband 2: "That sounds wonderful, I should take my wife there, what was the name of the place?"

H1: "Uh, lets see... a flower.. it's got red petals.. green ...

What do u call 1 black guy being stalked quietly by two hundred white guys?

PGA Tour

A plant was following me through an alley

I told it to stop stalking me.

This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i'm beginning to like her

People say its just stalk-home syndrome

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My crush told me someone was stalking her when she was walking home.

I instantly called her on her bullshit because nobody else was following her when I followed her home.

A man and the person who is stalking him visit the big city....

While the stalker is calm, the other person is panicking. "I think we're lost!" They yell.

The stalker sighs and says, "Don't worry. I know this place like the back of your hand."

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

A french pastry was stalking me this morning

I felt really creped out

How did Jack's mother find out he didn't sell the cow at the market?

He'd bean stalked.

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

I think my girlfriend is being stalked...

...because I've been seeing people behind her back.

People are always telling me to follow my dream.

But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.

There was one good thing still to be said about the politician who went to prison for stalking...

He was a man of the peep-hole!

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

I hate shopping for celery this time of year.

Seems like they’re always out of stalk.

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

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My crush asked me to prom

-ise I would fuck off and stop stalking her

What did the corn say when it was being followed?

“I’m being stalked!”

My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...

...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.

Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

What do you call an ex on house arrest?

“Out of Stalk”

Lorraine

So imagine you are dating this girl named Lorraine, she is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it.

However there i...

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

The plant markets have been bull lately...

The stalks have been going up!

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

Dont Drink and Drive

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
T...

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3 men go to hell and Satan appears before them...

Satan says,"You boys have caught me in a good mood! I'm going to give you whatever you ask for. What would you like sir?"

Man number one steps up and says to Satan, "All I want is women."

Satan claps his hands, and a door appears which opens to reveal the most beautiful women the 7 C...

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

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A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

Everyday you should try to do something new,

to scare the person you are stalking....

The Union Cavalry were in dire need of recruits...

General Grant decided to turn one infantry division into a cavalry division and sent the men back to boot camp for additional training.

Johnny was 19 years old and a brave soul, but looking at the rearing, neighing and feisty war horses, he had one concern.

“Excuse me Drill Sergeant!” ...

Why are farmers so wealthy?

Because their stalks are always growing.

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

First Date

*On a first date*

Inner me: okay don’t let them know you stalked them online

Them: my aunt-

Me: Martha or Susan?

A man walking home from the market

..and he comes across a giant bean stalk reaching into the clouds that was never there before. Trying his luck, he decides to climb.

As he gets to the 1st set of clouds, he sees the most beautiful women he's ever seen before. She tells him, "You can have me now or climb further up to success....

I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies....

He asked, "What do you do in your free time".

To which I responded, "I stalk people".

"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".


"I know"

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So this weird guy walks up to me and asks if I've ever seen the movie Up.

I say I have; it was ok.
He asks if I can buy him a copy and I tell him I've never met him so I have no reason to buy him anything.
He keeps bothering me about it, begging me to buy it for him, so I eventually just walk away.

The next day he comes up to me again, asking me to buy the ...

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

A gorilla at a zoo dies

A gorilla at a zoo dies. This gorilla was particularly popular, so the staff is desperate for a replacement.

Not sure what else to do, they decide to hire a guy to dress up in a gorilla costume. The man is a convincing actor, and the exhibit is as popular as ever. He thumps his chest, cl...

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around stalking you after you toss a load in it.

Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting. Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away. Taking careful ...

Two corny jokes

Why did the farmer standing in the field call 911?

He thought he was being stalked.


Why did the corn go to the doctor?

It had an ear infection.

The chicken in the library

There is this librarian working his early morning shift one day. He's minding his own business at the front desk when suddenly a chicken walks through the front door

Puzzled the librarian waits and the chicken walks to the front desk

"Ba book" says the chicken.
"You want a book? Her...

3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got t...

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A fly drops 6 inches.

There's a fly hovering above a lake just out of the reach of a fish.
The fly drops 6 inches so the fish jumped out of the water and eats it.
Unfortunately there is a bear waiting for that fish and the bear snags the fish.
Across the lake on the shore there's a hunter who is aiming his rifl...

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