Stalk Jokes

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

The focus on my telescope is a little shaky.

He tractor.

The bartender says, “Want to hear a corny joke?”

The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night

......and only one of them knows about it.

That’s the bear minimum.

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

It’s probably the taser

Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.

A fungi to go out with

How else do we get corn?

but then they turned left and all I could think was "This isn't right."

\- I stalk people.

\- Oh really ? Well, I like nature and running.

\- I know.

I think I'm being stalked

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w... read more

The last one was just a spare, I guess.

Apparently his doctor told him he needed to watch what he eats.

A swallow

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

I’m 100% behind you.

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once... read more

I said 'That's a little farfetch'd'

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

PGA Tour.

I'm not sure either but I think Judge Kaplan is going to tell me on Monday.

Giant: I’ll grind your bones to make my bread

Me: *steps out with a grin* Well don’t eat my humerus bone because that’ll taste funny.

Giant: *throws me off the bean stalk*

While the stalker is calm, the other person is panicking. "I think we're lost!" They yell.

The stalker sighs and says, "Don't worry. I know this place like the back of your hand."

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

People say its just stalk-home syndrome

One day, on her lunch break, Debra sees one of her coworkers’ son sharing a meal with a woman who is clearly not his wife. Knowing that this could be the drama of the century, Debra gets in her car and follows them to a house, then takes pictures of them kissing from between the blinds. Her break is... read more

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Because it got stalked!

Two guys who had recently become friends were hanging out with each other.

Guy 1: So what do you like to do in your spare time?

Guy 2: I stalk people.

Guy 1: Weird... I personally like to go swimming.

Guy 2: I know.

Stalkos

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

You stalk it.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

One stalk of corn said to the other stalk of corn, "Hey, can I tell you something?"

The other stalk of corn said, "I'm all ears."

Pea stalks

They were the laughing stalk of the field

A woman is laying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist says, "I want to talk about these paranoid fantasies you've been having of being stalked by a man who is disguising himself as furniture. How long have you been having these delusions?"
The woman says, "About 5 months."
... read more

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

The stalk market is very weak.

“Out of Stalk”

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g... read more

‘Are you stalking me?’

Seems like they’re always out of stalk.

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Although stalking is a crime, 7 had an addiction.

7 would sit outside 6's window with a different celery stalk each night, and caress it. Then, when 7's hands were raw, 7 would eat the stalk one slow bite at a time, and smile, 7's teeth filled with fibrous strand... read more

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

"Have you bean stalking me?"

Stalking

Husband 1: "I went to a restaurant recently and it was absolutely delightful. For the first time my wife really enjoyed herself:

Husband 2: "That sounds wonderful, I should take my wife there, what was the name of the place?"

H1: "Uh, lets see... a flower.. it's got red petals.. green ... read more

Because it was being stalked.

(sorry, that was bit corny.)

St Peter asks
"what was your job?"
"I was a Kernel before I got popped" it answers.
"in what army?" st Peter asks
And the corn answers in a husky voice: "the one that stalks maizes and takes ears".

I'm not sorry, just a little corny.

I think I'm being stalked.

It was fun until I got caught...
Apparently it's called "stalking"

The stalks can only go up

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

I told it to stop stalking me.

Does everybody know the guy in Jack and The Beanstalk who trades the magic beans for Jacks cow?

Cause I guess you could call him a Stalk Broker

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

I was going to tell you a joke about Iowa but I thought it would be too corny;

Plus I doubt you’d *EAR* me anyway.





Q:Wanna know why most creeps live in Iowa?

A: Because they’re always stalking around


(These are all original jokes)

But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.

He'd bean stalked.

The stalks have been going up!

..and he comes across a giant bean stalk reaching into the clouds that was never there before. Trying his luck, he decides to climb.

As he gets to the 1st set of clouds, he sees the most beautiful women he's ever seen before. She tells him, "You can have me now or climb further up to success.... read more

A washing machine doesn't follow you around stalking you after you toss a load in it.