What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk?

A fungi to go out with

I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

My neighbor accused me of stalking her.

If you ask me, that's a pretty bold allegation for someone without a single book about law on the shelf.

A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“Have you hit any yet” she asked

“Yeah, 3 male and 2 females”

Baffled she asked how he knew what they were

“Well 3 were in my beer and two were on the dishwasher”

Stalking is just taking long romantic walks with the one you love...

But only one of you knows about it.

Stalking is when two people go for a quiet walk in the woods.

But only one of them knows about it.

Snuck up on a corn stalk

Pretty easy when they have no ears

What's the difference between waiting for a woman to get out of work and stalking?

I'm not sure either but I think Judge Kaplan is going to tell me on Monday.

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

My neighbour is stalking me.

I saw him checking my FB profile through my binoculars.

I think my neighbor’s stalking me. She keeps searching my name on google...

I saw it through my binoculars last night.

If a stalk brings good babies. A crow brings bad babies. What bird brings no babies?

A swallow

Not stupid joke at all involves no puns.........

There was a bamboo stalk and a corn stalk who lived in the same neighborhood. The corn didn't really know the bamboo but the bamboo liked to watch the corn and sometimes follow him. The bamboo sometimes said "Sup my HUSKY bro". One day the corn turns around and yells at the bamboo, "STOP STALKING M...

"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

Ladies and Gentlemen, when it comes to stalking,

I’m 100% behind you.

You know what's my favorite part of my stalking support group?

You never have to introduce yourself.

I stalked someone once...

but then they turned left and all I could think was "This isn't right."

2 elderly couples were walking down a street, the husbands were talking to each other and the wives were talking to each other...

Husband 1: "I went to a restaurant recently and it was absolutely delightful. For the first time my wife really enjoyed herself:

Husband 2: "That sounds wonderful, I should take my wife there, what was the name of the place?"

H1: "Uh, lets see... a flower.. it's got red petals.. green ...

How did Jack's mother find out he didn't sell the cow at the market?

He'd bean stalked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, an asparagus stalk in the other ear, and an avocado under his armpit. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Someone told me that the best pokemon was the bird that holds a leek stalk

I said 'That's a little farfetch'd'

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

People are always telling me to follow my dream.

But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.

What do u call 1 black guy being stalked quietly by two hundred white guys?

PGA Tour

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My crush told me someone was stalking her when she was walking home.

I instantly called her on her bullshit because nobody else was following her when I followed her home.

A man and the person who is stalking him visit the big city....

While the stalker is calm, the other person is panicking. "I think we're lost!" They yell.

The stalker sighs and says, "Don't worry. I know this place like the back of your hand."

I hate shopping for celery this time of year.

Seems like they’re always out of stalk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My crush asked me to prom

-ise I would fuck off and stop stalking her

Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i'm beginning to like her

People say its just stalk-home syndrome

My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...

...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.

A french pastry was stalking me this morning

I felt really creped out

What did the corn say when it was being followed?

“I’m being stalked!”

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

I think my girlfriend is being stalked...

...because I've been seeing people behind her back.

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

There was one good thing still to be said about the politician who went to prison for stalking...

He was a man of the peep-hole!

What do you call an ex on house arrest?

“Out of Stalk”

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

The plant markets have been bull lately...

The stalks have been going up!

Lorraine

So imagine you are dating this girl named Lorraine, she is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it.

However there i...

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of “if that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat him”.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

Ghoul in the Pub (Credit to Paul Sloane & Des MacHale)

Bill, a tourist in Devon, spends the day sightseeing, then decides to finish the day at a pub in a nearby village. He gets absorbed in the rustic atmosphere, but in the midst of drinking a Guinness, he notices what appears to be a ghoul drinking from a small green bottle, across the room. This perso...

Dont Drink and Drive

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
T...

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

Everyday you should try to do something new,

to scare the person you are stalking....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men go to hell and Satan appears before them...

Satan says,"You boys have caught me in a good mood! I'm going to give you whatever you ask for. What would you like sir?"

Man number one steps up and says to Satan, "All I want is women."

Satan claps his hands, and a door appears which opens to reveal the most beautiful women the 7 C...

First Date

*On a first date*

Inner me: okay don’t let them know you stalked them online

Them: my aunt-

Me: Martha or Susan?

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

A man walking home from the market

..and he comes across a giant bean stalk reaching into the clouds that was never there before. Trying his luck, he decides to climb.

As he gets to the 1st set of clouds, he sees the most beautiful women he's ever seen before. She tells him, "You can have me now or climb further up to success....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this weird guy walks up to me and asks if I've ever seen the movie Up.

I say I have; it was ok.
He asks if I can buy him a copy and I tell him I've never met him so I have no reason to buy him anything.
He keeps bothering me about it, begging me to buy it for him, so I eventually just walk away.

The next day he comes up to me again, asking me to buy the ...

Why are farmers so wealthy?

Because their stalks are always growing.

I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies....

He asked, "What do you do in your free time".

To which I responded, "I stalk people".

"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".


"I know"

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly drops 6 inches.

There's a fly hovering above a lake just out of the reach of a fish.
The fly drops 6 inches so the fish jumped out of the water and eats it.
Unfortunately there is a bear waiting for that fish and the bear snags the fish.
Across the lake on the shore there's a hunter who is aiming his rifl...

A gorilla at a zoo dies

A gorilla at a zoo dies. This gorilla was particularly popular, so the staff is desperate for a replacement.

Not sure what else to do, they decide to hire a guy to dress up in a gorilla costume. The man is a convincing actor, and the exhibit is as popular as ever. He thumps his chest, cl...

Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting. Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away. Taking careful ...

The chicken in the library

There is this librarian working his early morning shift one day. He's minding his own business at the front desk when suddenly a chicken walks through the front door

Puzzled the librarian waits and the chicken walks to the front desk

"Ba book" says the chicken.
"You want a book? Her...

3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got t...

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around stalking you after you toss a load in it.

A college stud could get with any women he wanted.

Luke was pretty much perfect: star on the football team, top of his class, president multiple clubs, and was hot af. I mean, this guy has slept with hundreds of different girls, even his teachers. However, near his college career, he wants to settle down. He asks one of his best friends, Tracy, i...

Hey girl, do you live in a corn field?

Because I'm stalking you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two new hunters...

Are enjoying their time at the hunting lodge. Meeting the oldest member, a man in his 90s they commented that he must have a ton of stories. He replied, "yes, one stands out more than the others." Intrigued they asked to hear. "Well" , the old man says, "I was a younger man, in my 20s. I was in Al...

Long - 2 Poets

Two men arrive at the pearly gates, each claiming to be famous poets. St. Peter cannot believe they both are poets, so he decides to give them a test. He tells them to compose a poem of 4 lines, with the last word being Timbuktu. He gives them 30 minutes.

After the time is up, the first man a...

An even cornier joke

One stalk of corn said to the other stalk of corn, "Hey, can I tell you something?"

The other stalk of corn said, "I'm all ears."

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