UPJOKE
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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

Stalking....

When two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

Why can’t a farmer keep secrets on her farm?

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

I always feel like there’s something electric about meeting the girl I stalk

It’s probably the taser

I asked my wife to grab 6 asparagus stalks from the garden. She came back with 7.

The last one was just a spare, I guess.

Two guys who had recently become friends were hanging out with each other.

Two guys who had recently become friends were hanging out with each other.

Guy 1: So what do you like to do in your spare time?

Guy 2: I stalk people.

Guy 1: Weird... I personally like to go swimming.

Guy 2: I know.

"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

What's Vladimir Putin's least favourite thing to eat?

Pea stalks

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk?

A fungi to go out with

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stalking a baby?

Apparently his doctor told him he needed to watch what he eats.

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

If a stalk brings good babies. A crow brings bad babies. What bird brings no babies?

A swallow

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A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket. He stares at her intently then says:

"Are you game?" "I sure am," she purrs. So he shoots her.

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Two hunters are stalking through the forest...

...when one says to the other that he has to take a dump.
''Well, go in the bushes.''
''What should I use to wipe my ass?''
''Use a dollar bill.''
A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his hands.
“What happened?” asks his friend.
''I didn't have...

What's so bad about stalking?

How else do we get corn?

Someone told me that the best pokemon was the bird that holds a leek stalk

I said 'That's a little farfetch'd'

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

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Q: What are the similarities between a nun and a stalking cat?

A: A patient pussy

What's the difference between waiting for a woman to get out of work and stalking?

I'm not sure either but I think Judge Kaplan is going to tell me on Monday.

These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

I stalked someone once...

but then they turned left and all I could think was "This isn't right."

Ladies and Gentlemen, when it comes to stalking,

I’m 100% behind you.

You know what's my favorite part of my stalking support group?

You never have to introduce yourself.

What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys?

PGA Tour.

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My crush told me someone was stalking her when she was walking home.

I instantly called her on her bullshit because nobody else was following her when I followed her home.

So what are you in to ?

\- I stalk people.

\- Oh really ? Well, I like nature and running.

\- I know.

Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

A man and the person who is stalking him visit the big city....

While the stalker is calm, the other person is panicking. "I think we're lost!" They yell.

The stalker sighs and says, "Don't worry. I know this place like the back of your hand."

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i'm beginning to like her

People say its just stalk-home syndrome

I think my girlfriend is being stalked...

...because I've been seeing people behind her back.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

What did the lettuce say to the celery?

‘Are you stalking me?’

Me hiding under the table from the giant...

Giant: I’ll grind your bones to make my bread

Me: *steps out with a grin* Well don’t eat my humerus bone because that’ll taste funny.

Giant: *throws me off the bean stalk*

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

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A fox got lost in the jungle.

A fox got lost in the jungle.

The fox noticed that a leopard stalking it. The fox grabbed the bone from the ground, turned his back to the Leopard and just as the leopard was attacking,
the fox spat the bone out of his mouth and said: "Agh, it was a bad-tasting leopard I just killed."...

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

A bit of corn tries to get into heaven

St Peter asks
"what was your job?"
"I was a Kernel before I got popped" it answers.
"in what army?" st Peter asks
And the corn answers in a husky voice: "the one that stalks maizes and takes ears".

I'm not sorry, just a little corny.

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

How do you sneak up on celery?

You stalk it.

Being stuck inside for a long time due to Covid, my wife started having recurring nightmares about how our house is made of celery.

Doctors think it is stalk home syndrome.

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?

"Have you bean stalking me?"

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

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Do you have any to speak of?

So, there was once a man named Frank who lived in South Florida, and his life was virtually ideal. He had a beautiful wife and two kids, lived in a very nice home on the intracoastal waterway, and had a very successful yacht sales business. However, he had one problem that had plagued him his whole ...

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

What do you call love without evidence?

Stalking

Iowa

I was going to tell you a joke about Iowa but I thought it would be too corny;

Plus I doubt you’d *EAR* me anyway.





Q:Wanna know why most creeps live in Iowa?

A: Because they’re always stalking around


(These are all original jokes)

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.

They were the laughing stalk of the field

Why did the corn cross the road ?

Because it was being stalked.

(sorry, that was bit corny.)

Not stupid joke at all involves no puns.........

There was a bamboo stalk and a corn stalk who lived in the same neighborhood. The corn didn't really know the bamboo but the bamboo liked to watch the corn and sometimes follow him. The bamboo sometimes said "Sup my HUSKY bro". One day the corn turns around and yells at the bamboo, "STOP STALKING M...

2 elderly couples were walking down a street, the husbands were talking to each other and the wives were talking to each other...

Husband 1: "I went to a restaurant recently and it was absolutely delightful. For the first time my wife really enjoyed herself:

Husband 2: "That sounds wonderful, I should take my wife there, what was the name of the place?"

H1: "Uh, lets see... a flower.. it's got red petals.. green ...

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A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

In college, I took a year to study abroad.

It was fun until I got caught...
Apparently it's called "stalking"

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

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3 men go to hell and Satan appears before them...

Satan says,"You boys have caught me in a good mood! I'm going to give you whatever you ask for. What would you like sir?"

Man number one steps up and says to Satan, "All I want is women."

Satan claps his hands, and a door appears which opens to reveal the most beautiful women the 7 C...

I have an insane crush on my old manager and just want to tell him.

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

What do you call an ex on house arrest?

“Out of Stalk”

Why should you always invest into the bean market?

The stalks can only go up

2 men go hunting in the bush

As they were stalking an elk, a snake bit the first man. The second man freaked out and shot the snake. He then proceeded to call 000.

"000, what's your emergency?"

"Help! A snake bit my friend and I think he's dead!"

"Ok, we need to be sure if he's dead. Can you do that for me?...

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

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Pygmy tribe legend

Once upon a time, there was a magical jungle called Mimbubu. In this magical jungle there lived a tribe of Amazon Pygmies.

Legend has it that the Mimbubu jungle was inhabited by an evil and deadly bird, the Foo bird. The tribe tells the story of how the Foo bird stalks its prey while...

Lorraine

So imagine you are dating this girl named Lorraine, she is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it.

However there i...

A plant was following me through an alley

I told it to stop stalking me.

People are always telling me to follow my dream.

But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.

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There’s this fly.....

There’s a fly hovering six inches above the surface of the water.
A fish below the fly says to himself “if that fly drops six inches, I can leap up and catch the fly for dinner.”
There’s a bear on the bank of the water.
The bear says “if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to go...

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