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Floats Jokes

What do you call a dog that floats?

A good bouy

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.

Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!

*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*

Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what woul...

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

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How do you tell the sex of an ant?

You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant.


If it floats...

I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.

You might say it’s a “family air loom.”

Whenever my dog goes into the water he doesn't sw, he just floats there

He's a good buoy

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What floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee?

Nothing.

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What has 3 balls and floats through outer space?

E.T., The Extra Testicle

What floats on the water and goes quick?

A South African duck.

The ghost of Ronald Reagan floats into a man's house

As he walks through the wall the man exclaims to his friend 'look dude! Holy s**t its Ronald Reagan! Head on upstairs Mr Reagan you can haunt the attic!'

A few minutes later another ghost floats in, this time its David Bowie. Again the guy yells in excitement 'Dude! It's David Bowie! Mr Bowie...

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

A ghost floats into a bar

He stops at the bar and says “Barkeep, I’ll take a glass of your finest wine.

The bartender doesn’t respond.

The ghost is angered and says, “Your finest wine, or I’m going to haunt your bar.”

Still no response from the bartender.

The ghost says, “Hey buddy, what’s your p...

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"If It Flies, Floats, or Fucks:

**It's cheaper to rent!"**

So I guess it's not really a *joke* as much as it is a saying, but I found it really funny. I was at a BBQ joint, and the owner was arguing with his wife, then came over and said this to a group of us. Hope you guys find it funny and it's acceptable for r/Jokes!

What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

FLOAT

Someone asked me to make a root beer float I kindly asked him to go outside, he agreed and I made the root beer and tied some balloons. I still have no idea why he was mad.

When your iPod stops working, it floats.

Because it doesn't sync.

A bubble floats into a bar . . .

The bartender asks, "What do you want?"

The bubble says, "Pop."

A ghost floats up to a bar...

...and points to one of the bottles on the shelf. "Give me a shot of that over there," he tells the bartender.

The bartender picks up a bottle. "This?" he asks.

"Nope."

The bartender picks up another bottle. "What about this?"

The ghost shakes his head.

"Ah," says ...

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Three couples on vacation die together in an accident

They ascend to heaven and fly up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter is waiting for them. The first couple floats up to St. Pete and the husband asks, “St. Peter, do we get into heaven?” St. Peter responds, “Unfortunately, sir, you spent your entire life in the pursuit of money, so much so, that yo...

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Two bananas were tanning when a piece of poop floats by..

So there were two bananas tanning on the beach when a piece of poop floats by. The poop yells " hey the waters great, get in". The banana turns to the other banana and says " do you believe that shit".

A luxury boat sank and a passenger was holding on to a floating piano...

All of a sudden, someone floats by sitting atop a floating cello and asks: “ May I accompany you?”

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.

“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”

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