Five Hundred Jokes - 50 Hilarious Five Hundred Jokes

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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Five Hundred Bucks

A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies a...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

A guy wearing a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred bucks he would give me five hundred in six weeks.

It turned out to be just a Fonzi scheme.

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Build one hundred churches and no one will call you a church builder, build five hundred bridges and no one calls you a bridge builder

But if you fuck one goat......

I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

Bidding at a local auction.....

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two t...

Traffic court

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I...

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Blonde vs lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." <...

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

An Engineer Decides He Wants To Make Some Easy Money.

He thinks to himself, and he decides he's going to set up a medical center in an abandoned corner store. After all, he's an intelligent man, how hard could it be? He puts a large sign on the front, promising to cure any illness for a five hundred dollars, and if he can't, the patient gets 1000 dolla...

Jokes Bus

A man boards a bus, to his surprise it is full of r/jokes users. He finds an empty space and settles in.

He quickly finds out a pattern to the ongoing conversations. One person stands up and shouts a number - Two hundred and sixty one!! Everyone starts laughing. Another person stands up as th...

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

France's's National Cheese Museum just blew up

Over five hundred people were injured by de brie

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

A man walks into a bar and makes a bet with a bartender.

"I'll show you a trick, and if you think the trick is good enough, you give me a drink on the house." The bartender, having had a pretty boring day, accepts.

The man takes a rat out of his pocket and an equally tiny piano out of his other pocket. He sets the piano on the bar, and the rat jump...

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I'm not going to pay five hundred dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery.

Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.

I got banned from the sperm bank the other day...

They said I couldn't come within five hundred feet of the building.

The fastest chicken

There was once a mountain village in which a certain chicken had unparalleled speed. It boasted to be even quicker than demonic beasts. The owner often bragged to people, saying that his chicken was the fastest.”

A rich man came to the village and fell in love with the chicken at first sight....

If you watch it backwards. . .

The Shawshank Redemption is about two mexican fishermen who are such great friends that when one of them is sent to prison in Maine, the other one crawls through five hundred yards of foulness you can't even imagine to be with him.

It’s the first day for a fraternity...

It’s the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollar...

Old magic lamp

A poor man in a pile of bottles? Found an old magic lamp

After he wiped it, a lamp slave ran out of it

Said to him: Thank you for letting me in the lamp for five hundred years,

Can come out and breathe, so I give you three wishes

The poor said: I first want to have a nati...

Bush, Obama and Trump go hunting in a safari

They start the day by making a friendly wager; the one who kills the least during that day pay for the drinks for the whole night.

At the end they come back to their campsite and compares killings.

Obama says that he killed three lions and two hippos. “That’s nothing, Bush says, I go...

An Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the desert...

When to nobodies real surprise a genie appears and offers to grant them a wish each.

The Frenchman goes first. "I would like to be transported back to my wonderful muzzer country, where you will 'ave built a great wall around all ze borders to protect ze beautiful 'omeland of ze French master...

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[NSFW] So there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander...

All three men were on a vacation to Japan and during this vacation they partook in some illegal activity.

The justice system informed the men that they were all to be given the death penalty but as a sign of compassion the guilty were allowed to choose their own deaths.

The Englishman,...

An Italian fella

Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!" "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!" "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He...

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The best gambler in the world.

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
...

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A rather inebriated man walks up to the bartender at his favorite bar...

He slaps 2 $100 bills down on the counter. "I bet you this two hundred dollars that I can piss from one end of your counter to the other, into a cup, and not spill a single drop."

 

The bartender sizes the man up, realizing that the man can barely stand upright, and decides to...

During the last war..

..a large number of American soldiers were billeted in Brisbane and were very free spenders.

One day a girl entered a furrier’s and asked to see the best fur coat in the shop and paid five hundred pounds for it in ten pound notes.

The shop assistant was aghast and said, “You must be ...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

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Three brothers are travelling by foot on a long, deserted road.

They see a farm. There are no hotels nearby, and they really don't want to sleep in the dirt, so they go in, find the farmer, give him five hundred bucks, and ask to spend the night. The farmer has two guest rooms in his house.
"Would you like to sleep together? I only have two rooms."
The br...

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For those that haven't seen 'Desperado'

This beer reminds me of a joke.

A man walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Hey bartender. I got a bet for you. I'll bet you *three hundred dollars* that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." Now this glass is a good twenty feet away....

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A tourist is walking back to his hotel from a night of heavy drinking when he suddenly feels the need to pee.

He ducks into a dark alley and relieves himself, when he suddenly hears a raspy voice behind him.

"Hey, hey, mac," the voice says. " Wanna make fifty dollars?"

The man yells, "What!? Who's there!?"

"Relax, man, don't turn around," the voice says. "Listen, man, it's simple. I'll ...

Old joke my brother told me when i was a young lad

3 men die and go to heaven, meeting them at the gates of heaven was god himself.

"Evening gentlemen. Unfortunately, there is a simple trial require to enter heaven. Each of you must return to earth, gather ping pong balls, as much as you can, and return with them in hand."

The three me...

A mans car breaks down near a monastery.

Greeted by monks, they offer him shelter for the night and to fix his car. While sleeping in the spare bedroom, he hears a knock on the wall

*Thud*

He asked them the next day while they treated him to breakfast in bed. What was the knock?

"We can't tell you, you're not a monk."<...

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Deaf newlyweds

A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the thi...

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You have one wish . . .

A woman found a magic bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So, what will it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle E...

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I saw a sad Irish guy in a bar...

So i went up to ask him why he was so sad and he went on a ramble. he said,

"You know of the church downtown?"

"Yes, I've seen it."

"Well, I built that church with me bare hands..."

"I don't see how that's making you sad."

"Well, have you seen the firestation dow...

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Gurkhas

The Falklands War had begun. Britain was unprepared, and as she had done so many times in the past, Britain called up her toughest military unit, The Brigade Of Gurkhas. The Brigade commander was called in to Army Headquarters to be briefed on their mission.

"You will need to get your force...

[Long][A hospital had a very interesting offer, if the patient is treated, he will pay 350 dollars, if he can't get treated, the hospital will pay 1000 dollars.

One day, a greedy man heard of the offer and decided he would scam the hospital. He went to one of the doctors and said "I can't taste anything."
The doctor asked the nurse to bring the twenty two number medicine. Patient took two drops and of the spat it out saying it was petrol. The doctor to...

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A man is at a conference in Las Vegas....

...and decides to procure the services of a call girl. The hooker comes to his hotel room and they proceed to negotiate.

"What's on the menu?" the man asks.

"Well, a hand job is $500," said the hooker.

"Five hundred dollars? For a hand job?" the man exclaimed.

The hooke...

Two men in a desert

Two men are wandering the desert. They've been there for days, and can't remember how they got there; the only thing in their minds right now is that they need water to survive another day in this scorching heat.

Midday passes, and the men are succumbing to despair - but wait, what's this? Th...

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