My wife and I were happy for twenty-five wonderful years.

Then we met.

Tinder is wonderful

I've always wanted a photo database of all the girls in my city who would never go out with me

The fact that I had a wonderful childhood really sucks,

because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

"You look wonderful, dear."

A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the “miracle” products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and asked, “Darling, honestly now, w...

What a wonderful bird, the Pelican.

His mouth can hold more than his belican.

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When you're applauded as a wonderful lover but it turns out you don't kiss during sex.

You're all lip service without the lip service.

I was walking through the countryside and I thought to myself, "The world is a wonderful and beautiful place why would anyone ever do drugs?"

...Then I remembered I was on drugs.

If you had to choose between a wonderful wife or a wonderful car..

Would you choose a petrol or a diesel engine ?

Hannibal Lecter was telling me about his wonderful Christmas.

He had an old friend for dinner.

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody;

Unless you’re in a prison.

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To all the wonderful delivery men and woman doing their best to make sure we all get our gifts on time this year,

Get the hell off Reddit and deliver my gifts you lazy cunts. Is this a game to you?

NASA have decided that the Astronauts are going to have a party in space this christmas, the food is going to be wonderful but:

No atmosphere..

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I've got a wonderful doctor

If you can't afford the operation she touches up the x-rays.

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

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There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

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It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brou...

I told my doctor about a wonderful place

He asked me, "What is it?"

I replied, "Reddit, especially the joke sub."

He laughed and said "Why?"

"It has a lot of original content," I said.

He diagnosed me with Alzheimer's. I can't remember why, though...

He: "You are the nicest, most wonderful, and most beautiful woman, that I ever met!"...

She: "Ah, you only want to get me in your bed."

He: "And you are intelligent as well."

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?

It's mashing!

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I think it's wonderful that some people can get through life relying on nothing more than their gut feelings.

But it must be extra excruciating for them if they get shot in the stomach.

"Oh no! I've been shot! I had a feeling this would happen."

Boy George would be a wonderful reddit user.

He would get a lot of karma karma karma karma karma chameleon.

Children's laughter can be a wonderful thing

Unless its 2AM and you don't have any kids.

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy ...

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My father was a wonderful man.

He’s still alive, he just turned into a cunt.

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

The wonderful world of Ironi

"Saw an asian classmate eat ramen and thought ’how typical’ than looked down at my El Pollo Loco" - Hispanic colleague

I met Cosby once and I remember him being just a wonderful person.

I don't remember much after that.

The Wonderful Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'
<...

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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked M...

The other day I asked my Father how it felt to have such a wonderful Son.

"Ask your Grandfather", he said.

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure"

Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.

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I don't know guys what is your problem with black people, they are wonderful human beings...

... When I was a boy there were plenty of them and we all were good friends and had so much fun until my father put them up for sale

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad

Dad: How's your life going son?

Son: It's going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.

Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.,

So...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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A tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing.

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles ...

Hey /jokes I'm the MC at a wedding for friends tomorrow and wondered if you wonderful people could help me with some wedding jokes.

I'm feeling a little humor deficient and stressed right now so any jokes you know about weddings or love would be really helpful. Thanks!

A policeman knocked on my door.

Police: I’m sorry sir but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus...

Me: I know but she has a wonderful personality.

How Wonderful

Did you hear the story of the man that had the great honor of being crushed by a steam roller?

He was flattered

There once was a man with no arms. [Long]

Despite this fact, when the town church was looking for a new bell toller, he went straight to the church. The pastor didn't believe the man when told he could do the job, but decided to humor him, saying "If you can ring the bell, the job is yours."

Excitedly, the man climbed the stairs to t...

Two students are deciding whether to go to their lecture or the pool on a wonderful summer day...

The first says "How should we decide?"

The second says "How about a coin toss?"

"Sure, you can call it."

"Okay, if we toss the coin and it stays in the air, we'll go to the lecture."

George's Last Day

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
<...

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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister,...

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you wer...

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The Shepherd and the Cloaked Stranger

One day a sheep was grazing in its field, when it looked up to see the shepherd talking with a cloaked stranger. Once the conversation had finished, the shepherd hurried over to the sheep.

"Sheep, sheep!" said the shepherd. "I just met the strangest man! He kept saying, 'Shop cheese the is...

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

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Two Jews emigrate from Russia.

One goes to Israel and the other goes to Germany. One year passes and they get together at a restaurant to catch up.

"Moshe, I'm very lucky" says his friend, "I live in Haifa now where I own a supermarket. The weather is wonderful, and everyone is so kind. I truly have it made."

"Izya,...

A man is at a bar when he hears some piano music coming from behind the bar

The man asks the bartender: “where is that wonderful music coming from?”

The Barman replies by pulling out a tiny man and placing him in the table

“How did you get him? “

“Well I found a genie, here try it out.”

All right then! I wish for a million bucks!

Suddenly ...

A couple of elders pass away together.

They meet in Paradise. They have a nice three rooms suite in a beautiful hotel with a cute view on the lake.

She has miles and miles of shops with women stuff and befriends a few fine ladies to hang out with.

He goes to a pub, meets nice men to play card with. Beer is fresh and a coupl...

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I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exc...

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant. “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” Replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would b...

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

Magical Modern Devices

Three guys are talking about modern technology and how it's changed their lives. They're giving examples of how wonderful their gadgets are.

The first guy goes "My phone, it has more processing power than all of NASA during the moon landings - it can do everything from GPS to telling me the w...

A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit...

The widow says "Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing". The mortician says, "No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue s...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

Last Respects

At a motivational seminar, 3 men were volunteered to come up to the stage and were asked the same question,"When you are in your casket, and your loved ones are mourning,what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The 1st man said," I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor...

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news.

The newscaster says that two Brazilian civilians were rescued from terrorists the night prior.

The brunette says, “what wonderful news!”

The blonde disagrees: “I don’t know where they expect to move them to - do you have any idea how many a brazillion is??”

Fireman comes home from the station on day.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1 ...

Redneck Job seekers

2 redneck brothers are going to an employment agency

The counselor asks the 1st redneck "do you have any special skills?"

He replies "I'm a pilot."

She says "oh that's wonderful! There is a high demand for good pilots. if you go down to the airport you will have no problem f...

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

An Artist called up the Gallery.

An Artist called up the Gallery to ask about his painting. He was down on his luck and wanted to knows whether he made any profits.

"Oh, yes,'' replied the director. ''I have good news and bad news. Just this morning a gentlemen called and inquired on the price of your work and it's value i...

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Beer Bros

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.


The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.


He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so yo...

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Don't Stop

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how...

A teenage boy tells an old lady her fence is broken, and says he could fix it, for a small fee

The lady thinks its an honest job, and her fence did broke a few days ago.

"But wait, what are you going to do with the money?"

"Oh, ma'am, I intend to buy a car!" Answers the boy.

"That is wonderful! Good to see a young gent already thinking about his future, and doing some hon...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

What am I?

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell ...

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks

The bartender says "sir you can't bring those ducks in here" the man says "but you don't understand these are talking ducks and are very rare" the bartender doesn't believe him so the man bets him a free drink that he can prove it, the man says he will go to the bathroom and the bartender can speak ...

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
...

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Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.

Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.

“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding ou...

My Lord, the Savior

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the b...

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My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

A husband and wife are out to dinner for their anniversary...

The husband raises his glass and toasts “To 50 wonderful years together. It may not have always been easy, but I have always loved you and been honest with you, and I hope you have always loved and been honest with me as well”

The wife replies, “Well, remember when we were first married and y...

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Extra Spoon

Linda was dining at an incredibly fancy restaurant. It was so posh and refined, Linda was mortified when she knocked her spoon off the table as soon as the waiter delivered her soup. But, without hesitation, the waiter produced a replacement from the pocket of his apron.

"Thanks so much," sa...

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