Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

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Smart-ass kid wants to challenge a famous gunfighter.

He walks into the saloon, and says "My name's Jimmy Johnson, and I'm here to challenge Black Bart to a showdown at noon tomorrow!"

The bartender says "Well, if you're going to try to outdraw Black Bart, you 'd better be prepared."

The kid says "I've got my gun, I've been practicing for...

A famous philosopher said, "At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want."

So I took a scalpel to my chest and found out I wanted the pain to stop.

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

I believe autocorrect was invented by history's most famous scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

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There was a famous WWII ace in the pacific

He was notorious for his drinking problem. After going out on a mission one day he landed his plane on the aircraft carrier and reported to the commanding officer on his mission.

He said, “Sir, I met five enemy pilots in the air. I shot down the first one, dove right, shot down the second one...

How do A Capela groups get famous?

By word of mouth

^This ^is ^my ^original ^joke ^I ^thought ^of ^today

Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?

O.J. Simpson.

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property.

The police forced the fryers to close down their stall located just outside the mansion, where they had been selling flowers.

Said one fryer, "well if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist fryers."

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

Why aren’t there many famous female mime artists?

The glass ceiling.

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, c...

Famous last words..

"Watch this"

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That's modern medicine... (Famous Norm Macdonald Joke)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up. He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her." I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body." And he says, "Trust me...

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A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never lef...

Oh my god, I think I just ran over the most famous buck in Ireland.

O'Deer.

Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who was famous for his devastating counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

The most famous doctor: do you always stutter like that?

Me: no, only when I want to say something

Famous British horse racing broadcaster John McCririck has died aged 79.

His funeral is at 10/1.

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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

An anti-vaxxer, a flat earthed and an scientist walk into a restaurant. They see a sign that says “Finish our famous 32 oz steak in 15 minutes with 2 friends, win $200! Entry fee: $50” The scientist looks at the other two and says “are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?”

He takes a brief pause and then says “Oh yeah I forgot, you two can’t think.”

What do you call a famous geologist?

A rock star.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers?

"I'll be Bach."

Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.

ED SMITH'S SHOP.

It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.

No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

Two boll weevils grew up on a farm in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and, amazingly, became a famous actor...

The other stayed behind and never amounted to much.

I guess you could say he was the lesser of two weevils.

I ran into a famous artist at the airport and politely asked if I could take a picture. He said yes and smiled at me.

I don't understand why he suddenly got so angry when I asked if I may keep the frame.

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Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."

Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the bal...

What was Hugh Jackman called before he was super famous?

Small Ackman...

Because he wasn't huge yet.

Did you know many famous 17th century composers weren't actually very rich at all?

In fact, they were Baroque.

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What happens when a famous super spy becomes homeless?

“The name’s bond— Vagabond.”

Who is the most famous donkey in history?

Donkey-ottie

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A young comedian wanted to make himself famous, so he covered the interior of his house with Jokes

He wrote down every joke he ever knew on a paper each and taped them to everything in his house: the floor, the walls, the couch....etc.

However there was one joke which he thought was lame, so he threw it away somewhere in his house and forgot about it.

The Comedian started inviting s...

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

Whose soul did Ed Sheeran have to sell to become such a famous singer?

Because it certainly wasn't his

What's the difference between an unusual undercooked pasta, and the easing of tensions between a famous parody artist and the singers he parodies?

One is a weird al dente, and the other is a "Weird Al" detente.

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

My dad’s famous chili recipe calls for exactly 239 beans....

One more would make it too farty :)

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

There was a famous Mexican magician.

His name was Gustavo. His signature trick is he would say "Uno, dos," and *poof*! He would disappear without a tres.

Famous last words between Two Scientists...

Let's try it this way.

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

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Me: I finally went back in time and killed Adolf Hitler! I’m going to be famous!

Scientist: Who?

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

Why can’t seals be famous DJs?

Because they’re scared of club hits

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

If Mozart turned into a zombie...

He'd be a famous decomposer.

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

Ever hear about the famous cannibal?

Had a wife and 8 kids..

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I will always remember my grandpa's last famous words

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!"

If Jesus was alive today what would he be famous for???

His age.

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The two founders of the McDonald’s restaurant were Mac and Dick McDonald. Their most famous burger is named after one of them.

I’m really glad they went with Big Mac.

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

Did you know Keanu Reeves did fetish work before he was famous?

He went by Peeonyou Reeves

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

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A famous porn star died..

At the funeral, everyone came.

How do you break up with a famous movie director?

You look him in the eyes and say, Joss we done.

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

I met this drunk guy at a bar who kept telling everyone he’s a famous rapper.

I think he’s ludacris

Why is Thor more famous than his brother?

Because his brother is low-key

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

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Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass

His name is Kanye west

What would you get if a famous French dictator stepped on a landmine

Napoleon blownapart

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Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

Drake visits a town famous for exporting coal...

He wanders around for an hour or so but leaves disappointed as he couldn't find all the minors he had heard about.

Experts have decided on a caption for the famous photo of Trump and Putin's first handshake

They settled on "Grabbing America By the Pus*y"

I'm flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.

Everyone keeps raving about their new deli...

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My wife is a world famous pornstar.

She was furious when she found out.

I went sightseeing in france and decided to check out that famous tower.

It sure was an Eiffel

My friend makes paintings of Eminem combined with other famous rappers

He's a mixed Marshall artist.

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A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back t...

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My girlfriend is a famous pornstar

She'll kill me if she finds out.

I dont like the fact that the Thailand cave boys have become all famous and mainstream.

I preferred them when they were more Underground

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I threw some of my poo at a famous football player.

Shit got Messi.

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A man finally hires the famous hooker who can give a blowjob and sing at the same time

Indeed, for months, the man's friends had been telling him about this hooker who gives amazing blowjobs while singing, so, even though he was sceptical, the man finally took action and hired her.

When the hooker finally comes, the man asks her if she can sing a national anthem while doing he...

In his later years Bruce Wayne retired and became a famous poet

Apparently, he went from bat to verse.

What does a famous Roman emperor say when he wants a woman arrested?

Caesar

There was this world famous painter

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to sh...

Me and my friends went as famous musicians for Halloween.

While everyone decided who they would be I said
"I'll go buy my costume now, then I'll be bach"

Did you hear why they are naming Trampolines after a famous 90's rap duo?

Because Kriss Kross will make you jump jump

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A famous city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men

He asks " How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?

And they replied, "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.

One man says, "Since you're our guests you get to go first."
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