The 94+ Best Darling Jokes

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

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My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!"...

I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

Darling, what happened to the parrot?

– Darling, what happened to the parrot?
– I dunno, Mommy, but I heard the cat talking.

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow!

A married couple, Harry, and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, “**Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?**
She said she would like something electric.”
Harry replies, “How about a chair?”

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After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”

Husband: “With a minute of silence.”

"Darling, I have to tell you something"

A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something"

Wife replies: "What?"

Husband: "I don't know how to say this"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "You're completely deaf"

Wife: "Wh...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

David was invited to John’s house. He was impressed by how John kept calling his wife, “My Love” and “Darling” and “Sweetheart.”

When his wife stepped out of the room David said to John, “You guys are really still in love!”

John replied, “No. I just forgot her name.”

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband the...

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

A wife comes to her husband and says:

\- Darling, let's make love like in the movies.

\- Of course love! - the husband says eagerly and begins.

Once he finishes, she looks at him and says:

\- Yes, darling, looks like you and I (*wipes her face*) are watching very different movies.

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

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A lucky husband

A lucky guy married a girl who ended up being a virgin. He was so excited, he went to his father in law and told him, "thank you for raising such an amazing girl for me to marry."

The wife's father replied with, "Don't thank me, thank her mother."

So, he goes to his mother in law and...

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The te...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week!

Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

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An husband comes home to his wife of 20 years

Husband: Darling, I’m home and I brought you some aspirins.

Wife: But I don’t have a headache.

Husband: Then let’s fuck.

Husband: Darling, could you get my cane?

We need to go, there is a tornado outside.

No, not that cane

I need my....... Hurry-cane

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings.

One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

"Not tonight darling, I have a headache" - Wife

"Not to worry love, we'll soon sort that out" - Henry VIII

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

How could you tell Wendy Darling was excited to visit Neverland?

She Peter-Pans.

"well darling,I've a good news and bad news for you "

"ok, tell me the good news first".

"Well,the airbags in your car worked perfectly".

"Wait...what ?"

Husband: Darling, I have a huge problem...

**Wife**: Since we're now married, your problem, is our problem.
**Husband**: Seriously?
**Wife**: Yes. Because we're one family. So, what's our problem?
**Husband**: We had impregnate your sister, and we are the father.

Husband asks his Wife how many men have you slept with? Wife replies only you Darling.

All the rest managed to stay awake.

Only you Darling

Girlfriend to her Boyfriend.....
Girl: Darling how many girls have you slept with? Tell me honestly.
Boy: Only you Darling. With all others, i was awake.

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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man…
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her…"
The other man agreed to th...

“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”

“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

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Husband: Darling, I bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time

Wife: What?

Husband: Im saying I bet you can't say something that will make me feel both happy and sad at the same time.

Wife after thinking for a second:
Well you have the largest penis among all your friends.

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

"What would you like for your anniversary, darling?" asked the husband as the couple prepared to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary.

"How about a new wardrobe full of designer labels?"

"No, I don't think so," said the wife.

"Then what about a new Mercedes?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Then what about a holiday in Bali?"

"No, I don't think so. You see, what I really want is a divorce....

Darling! – Wife grumbles, - I noticed that whenever you see a pretty woman, you forget that you are married!

Just the opposite, - Husband sighs, - Just the opposite.

A woman is asking her husband "Darling, do you like my cooking today?"

The man replies: "Why are you looking for a fight?"

A wife complains to her husband.

\-You don't love me anymore! Once, you used to spend the whole evening sitting with me on the sofa, holding my hands. How long has it been since you've done it last?

\- Darling, it's not that I don't love you anymore. It's just that there is no need for that ever since we sold the piano.

Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!" "That's great, darling!" I said. "Put it under your pillow and see what happens."

A few minutes later she shouted, "Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!"

Darling

An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the m...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

Darling, do you smell anything?

SO: no?
Me: me neither. Start cooking.....

Look At Me Darling

Man Looked His Naked Body In Mirror And Said To The Wife Man: "Look 70 Kgs Of Pure Dynamite" Wife Smiled And Reply: "But Shame On The 5cm Fuse"

Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but ...

A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. "Darling, I'm pregnant!"

Tears running the husband's eyes, he says "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

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NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?

Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Wife: What trick?
Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!

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Darling, what does pedophile mean?

I'll tell you when you're older.

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
...

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.

After years of dating, he works up ...

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"Mmm..I love your cooking darling."

That's the male equivalent to a fake orgasm.

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Honesty

While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

It was only three times... promise.

Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky,...

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

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An old woman asks her husband of 60 years..

"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?".

"My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied.

"And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked.

"I think I've done a pretty good job"

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

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Royal Union 2

Once upon a time, the royals of two neighbouring kingdoms decided to cement their friendship and their boundaries by marrying one's princess to the other's prince.

The youngsters were introduced to each other and, as luck would have it, they fell in love. The prince's father, however, wanted ...

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Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?

Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.

Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?

Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.

Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?

Mother:...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

...

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’.
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.”
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.”
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.”
Husband repli...

A dinosaur came to his wife

And said, - Darling, let's make love.

\- I can't - she says - I'm busy today.

Some time later, he came again and said - Darling, I want you.

\- Sorry - she said - I have a headache.

A few days later, he invites her again.

\- No dear - she answers. - Wrong time of t...

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because...

... of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I wou...

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait,...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The co...

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
“Wow, that’s a big bounce”

Or else!

Timmy was a soft spoken mell-mannered lad and he was soon to be married to Jane. His mates were worried that, with his mild nature, he'd end up being dominated by his new spouse and had a plan to "show her who's the boss". Obviously Timmy thought that would be an appalling idea but finally gave in.<...

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The strange...

Do you know the story of the boy named Bonnie?

There once was a boy named Bonnie who was constantly harassed for his goofy name. He thought he was doomed to never find love because of it, but one day, he met a beautiful girl who didn't care, and they fell in love, got married, and had a child, a beautiful baby girl. But Bonnie was worried. "What...

Q. What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

A. Baby, darling, honey…

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