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Darling Jokes

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

Darling Do I please you in bed?

Wife: Darling Do I please you in bed?

Hubby: Yes, I love the trick you do with your mouth.

Wife: What trick?

Hubby: The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep.

Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are.

You really are the love of my life…

– Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!

– Oh I know…

Darling, what happened to the parrot?

– Darling, what happened to the parrot?
– I dunno, Mommy, but I heard the cat talking.

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

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A husband’s gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his...

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After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

Q. What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

A. Baby, darling, honey…

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Classic gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow!

A married couple, Harry, and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, “**Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?**
She said she would like something electric.”
Harry replies, “How about a chair?”

David was invited to John’s house. He was impressed by how John kept calling his wife, “My Love” and “Darling” and “Sweetheart.”

When his wife stepped out of the room David said to John, “You guys are really still in love!”

John replied, “No. I just forgot her name.”

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

A man is on his deathbed addressing his young wife for the last time

"My darling wife, you are the love of my life and our bond is eternal. I don't want you to be with any other man after I'm gone. Will you promise me that?"

"Yes, of course", the wife replies with tears in her eyes.

"If you break this promise, I will roll over in my grave."

"You ...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”

Husband: “With a minute of silence.”

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously...

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a littl...

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
“Wow, that’s a big bounce”

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s becaus...

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

A young man and his new lover go to bed together for the first time.

"Before we begin," he says, "I must confess I suffer from erectile dysfunction."

She smiles as she removes her blouse, "Don't worry darling, that is not a hard problem. We will beat it together."

"Darling, I have to tell you something"

A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something"

Wife replies: "What?"

Husband: "I don't know how to say this"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "You're completely deaf"

Wife: "Wh...

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. ...

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

On his deathbed...

An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, darling, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, ...

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A lucky husband

A lucky guy married a girl who ended up being a virgin. He was so excited, he went to his father in law and told him, "thank you for raising such an amazing girl for me to marry."

The wife's father replied with, "Don't thank me, thank her mother."

So, he goes to his mother in law and...

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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man…
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her…"
The other man agreed to th...

Best labor EVER

The wife was going into labor and the contractions were getting pretty bad.

The doctor tell the couple that their is this new device that can transfer some or all the pain to the father if they wanted to try it.

The Husband agrees to 10% at first
Wife: Thank you baby just taking th...

The producer to his wife, an actress:

Producer: "Darling, will you marry again if I die?"
Wife: "I assume so, dear."
Producer: "Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
Wife: "Yes, he would be my husband after all.”
Producer: "Would you give him my golf clubs too?"
Wife: "No, he's left-handed."

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week!

Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.

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A virgin nutritionist goes on a first date with a handsome guy

After a few glasses of wine, she whispers in his ear "i want to try anal tonight ..i have a feeling that i will really enjoy it"

The Guy couldn't hide his happiness and whispers back "ok sweetheart, we will buy some lube on our way back to my place".

The girl finishes her last sip of t...

A husband in the hospital is on his deathbed. He confesses to his wife...

Darling, my life is slipping away I want you to know that I've been unfaithful to you with 3 other women.

His wife holds his hand comfortingly and whispers, I Know. That's why I poisoned you.

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Husband: Darling, could you get my cane?

We need to go, there is a tornado outside.

No, not that cane





I need my....... Hurry-cane

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years.

the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago.

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An Observant Farmer, And A Protective Father

One day, Farmer John was tilling his outer most field. The mid-day sun was beating down something fierce, so he decided to shut down his tractor and take a break. Just as he's getting off his tractor to head up to the house for a glass of water, he notices his eldest daughter, Lily, run into his bar...

Long marriage

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you...

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

This morning I screwed huge up when my wife asked me if I'd remarry if she died.

"What a question!" I replied, "Why are you talking about dying on such a beautiful day?"
"But really though, would you get married again?" she said.
"Maybe, I don't know, maybe yes," I replied.
"Hmmm," she said, "Would you sell our house?"
"No," I replied wondering what had broug...

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings.

One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

"Not tonight darling, I have a headache" - Wife

"Not to worry love, we'll soon sort that out" - Henry VIII

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.



She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enter...

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Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex...

... they decide on a 'washing machine'.

Later in bed, that night husband says, "Washing machine."

Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."

Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."

Husband replies,

"Too late, it was on...

"well darling,I've a good news and bad news for you "

"ok, tell me the good news first".

"Well,the airbags in your car worked perfectly".

"Wait...what ?"

Husband: Darling, I have a huge problem...

**Wife**: Since we're now married, your problem, is our problem.
**Husband**: Seriously?
**Wife**: Yes. Because we're one family. So, what's our problem?
**Husband**: We had impregnate your sister, and we are the father.

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

Husband asks his Wife how many men have you slept with? Wife replies only you Darling.

All the rest managed to stay awake.

A blonde is driving on the interstate…

Her husband calls her and says... "Be careful darling, it's just been on the radio that someone is driving the wrong way on the interstate" "Someone?" she replies, "theres hundreds of em!"

When wasn't Wendy Darling?

When she Peter Pan-ts.

A men on his deathbed was speaking to his wife

"Dear wife. As I'm going to leave I need to make some confessions to you. You remember the time we went camping? I cheated on you with the hippies next tent."

"Oh Darling" answers the wife with a sorrowful face "I suspected it but it is forgiven."

The man continues "And when this nice ...

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Husband: Darling, I bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time

Wife: What?

Husband: Im saying I bet you can't say something that will make me feel both happy and sad at the same time.

Wife after thinking for a second:
Well you have the largest penis among all your friends.

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

Only you Darling

Girlfriend to her Boyfriend.....
Girl: Darling how many girls have you slept with? Tell me honestly.
Boy: Only you Darling. With all others, i was awake.

A reasonable woman

A man eats with his wife in a fine restaurant. A strange woman comes to the table, kisses the man, and says, "See you in the evening, darling," and walks away. The woman stares at the man and asks, "Who the hell was that?" "Yeah, that's," replies the man, "well, that's my girlfriend." “Oh, is that s...

Darling! – Wife grumbles, - I noticed that whenever you see a pretty woman, you forget that you are married!

Just the opposite, - Husband sighs, - Just the opposite.

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265...

...is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Wh...

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A kid goes to the shops with his mum...

A kid goes to the shops with his mum.  He has always wondered about the female anatomy,  so he peers under the skirt of a mannequin. But unfortunately,  his mum sees him doing it.  


Whack! She smacks him over the head.  


"What are you doing,  you dirty little boy? There's nothi...

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

“Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."

After a slight h...

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Opinions are like assholes

I can't get enough of my darling wife's.

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”

“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

Dying request

Rudy was lying on his deathbed surrounded by his stunning young wife and their three children, all boys. Two were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the third and youngest was short, homely, and extremely uncoordinated…
"Darling," the husband whispered to his wife, struggling to get the words ...

A woman is asking her husband "Darling, do you like my cooking today?"

The man replies: "Why are you looking for a fight?"

A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I have got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?

I have managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she is bound to find out sooner or later that my ...

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Lil Maria

Maria is a happy first grader. She's also the only blonde girl in her class. Everyday she gets home and tells her mom about school.

"Mama, today we learned numbers and i could already count to three when noone else could! 1..2..3! Is that cuz im blonde?" " Yes sweetie, that's cuz youre blonde...

A woman marries a Greek man

On her wedding night her father pulls her aside and says, "Darling, you should know that many Greek men have certain . . . proclivities. There will likely come a time when you'll be making love and he'll ask you to . . . um, roll over. Please, sweetheart, for my sake, DON'T DO IT."

Lo and beh...

Darling

An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the m...

Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!" "That's great, darling!" I said. "Put it under your pillow and see what happens."

A few minutes later she shouted, "Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!"

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

Husband asks Wife to make coffee

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?” Wife looks confused, “But that's your task, honey.” woman says “What? Why?”man asks. “It’s all over the Bible, dear.” woman replies “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to b...

"What would you like for your anniversary, darling?" asked the husband as the couple prepared to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary.

"How about a new wardrobe full of designer labels?"

"No, I don't think so," said the wife.

"Then what about a new Mercedes?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Then what about a holiday in Bali?"

"No, I don't think so. You see, what I really want is a divorce....

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A car gets pulled over

Policeman: "sir, you were driving above the speed limit here. Give me your licence".

Man:" this must be a mistake. I was driving below the speed limit. I always do..."

Woman: "Darling, you know it isn't true".

Man: "shut up you stupid cunt".

Policeman: "sir, license pleas...

A woman is in bed with her lover, when they hear her husband get home.

\- Your husband's here! quick, where do I hide? asks the lover.

\- Relax, -says the woman- he's been with his buddies all evening. He's likely so drunk, he won't even notice you're in bed. Just cover yourself with the sheets and wait until he falls asleep.

The husband then opens the...

Look At Me Darling

Man Looked His Naked Body In Mirror And Said To The Wife Man: "Look 70 Kgs Of Pure Dynamite" Wife Smiled And Reply: "But Shame On The 5cm Fuse"

A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. "Darling, I'm pregnant!"

Tears running the husband's eyes, he says "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

Widow dies and goes to Heaven

After the usual check in orientation, she looks up her husband and goes to the cloud he usually hang out at

After sometime wondering she finally finds him and says: “my darling! I have missed you so much! heaven is now for us to enjoy for all ete...”

The Husband then interrupts and say...

Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom. 

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but ...

A wife sits down opposite her husband and takes his hand in hers.

Wife: Honey, I’ve got something to tell you.

Husband: What is it?

Wife: Darling, I’m pregnant.

Husband: Hello pregnant, I’m dad!

Wife: .....no you’re not.

Darling, do you smell anything?

SO: no?
Me: me neither. Start cooking.....

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

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Darling, what does pedophile mean?

I'll tell you when you're older.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!


Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

A father was putting his daughter to bed...

"Goodnight sweetie" he said

"I love grandma" she said back

The father thought how sweet that was and closed the door

The next day he finds out his mother in-law has died, his wife is distraught.

The following night he says the same thing to his daughter.

"Goodnigh...

A man went down from Chicago to the Key West for a holiday.

His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the gri...

A woman in her forties tells her doctor, “My husband has completely lost interest in me”.

He gives her a bottle of drops, and tells her: “Put three drops in his dinner, no more, no less”.

She then goes home and makes dumplings. Right before the time he usually gets home from work, she puts three drops in, but then remembers how apathetic he is, and goes for the whole bottle.
...

Bob is about to celebrate his 30th anniversary

Bob wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night he emailed her, but misspelled the address, and it goes to a recent widow.

The next day, the wido...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mmm..I love your cooking darling."

That's the male equivalent to a fake orgasm.

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It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and...

The young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily. ”Not in your life!” he replied. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m ...

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.

One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
...

A man asks his fiancee to get married...

She happily accepts his proposal, but he sets out a clear condition if they're to marry.

"I have a closet at the end of the hall, and I keep it locked. That is my personal space and I don't want anyone, including my wife, to ever enter. Can you agree to that?"

She thinks his request a ...

Which director is Hollywood's darling?

Michael Bae

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.

Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?

Wife: I will always love you, my darling.

Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?

Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.

Husband: w...

Here's an interesting joke:

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were
beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of
passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to
whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
Her t...

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

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A man is dared to stay 3 months in the dessert without masturbating

The man is told that he will receive 1.000.000$ if he can resist in the dessert for 3 months without masturbating
He will get a house, full with electicity, food and water supply for 3 months

The guy then asks:

-But what about sex?

The other guy replies:

-Uhm...you ca...

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