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Favourite Jokes

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What is a white nationalists favourite porn site ?

Only Klans

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.

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What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

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What's your favourite insult?

Mine is: If I wanted to hear from cunt, I'd make one queef.

Now you go

What is Donald Trump's favourite nation?

Discrimination

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

What is a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Sir or Ma'am,


we are cutting your internet connection due to illegal downloading and copyright violations.


Sincerely, Internet Provider

What's a nuclear engineer's favourite meal?

Fission chips!

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

What is pirate's favourite letter?

Letter of marque.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

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What is a prostitute's favourite musical note length?

A crotch.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

My friends favourite NSFW joke

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: "Why are you home so early?"  He replies, "I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away"  The wife asks confused: "And the potato peeler?"
"She also got fired"

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My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there...

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

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My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are assholes.'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an asshole!'

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky....

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

My wife just confessed that she broke my favourite lamp.

I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again,

What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

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My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

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One of my favourite jokes

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

My favourite Haiku

Space is limited
In a haiku, so it's hard
To finish what you

What is the Funeral Director's favourite drink?

He can't start his day without his *Mourning Coffee*.

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

What was Napoleon’s favourite piece of chicken?

The wing.

He liked to pick the bone apart.

What's Cookie Monster's favourite Pink Floyd song?

Comfortably Nom nom nom nom.

For cannibals, which of Santa's reindeer is their favourite?

Donner.

Where is Peter Pans favourite place to eat out?

Wendy’s

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties

What's The Donald's favourite keyboard shortcut?

Command Alt Right.

What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination?

HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE

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What's a streaker's favourite film?

Free Willy.

What is cops' favourite piece of clothing?

Pullover.

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Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

Disclaimer: I just heard this joke today, so I apologize if this is old news for some of you.


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One even...

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

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An Aussie favourite.

So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest, he looked up in the tree and saw a koala smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, s...

What is a tinnitus sufferer's least favourite piece of jewellery?

Earrings.

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

What is a frog's favourite drug?

Croakaine

What is a vampire’s favourite ship?

A blood vessel!!

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Poop jokes aren’t my favourite kind of joke.

But they are a solid #2.

What is a librarian's favourite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

What’s a stormtrooper’s favourite store?

The one right next to the Target

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a man meets his fiancée's father (not OC but my father's favourite joke)

A man is invited to meet his fiancée’s father for the very first time and is understandably nervous.
Unfortunately, he is also a little gassy from some food the night before.
He is sitting in the living room, right next to the dog and directly across from his future father-in-law, when sudde...

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'Reincarnation' - My favourite joke of all time

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

My three favourite things

My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas

What is a rednecks favourite fruit?

Pump kin...

What's an investors favourite burger?

A quarterly compounder

What is Mexico's favourite operating system?

TacOS

What’s an indie film lovers favourite time of day?

8:24

What’s a tunas favourite music genre?

Heavy metal

What's a cow's favourite Beatles song?

Hay Chewed

Whats a wind turbines favourite colour?

Blew!

What is the favourite game of balding people?

Fallout.

What is Captain Kirk's least favourite nut?

Pe-Kahn!!!!!!

What's a necrophiliac's favourite band?

Coldplay

What's a Philosophers favourite sport?

Discuss

What’s a Canadian‘s favourite car brand?

A Porsch, eh?

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[NSFW!] What's Lady gaga's favourite way to have sex?

Raw raw, raw raw raw!

What’s a cannibals favourite snack?

A bag of mixed nuts

What was Bruce Lee's favourite drink?

Waaaaa-tttaaaahhhhhh

What is a vampire's favourite thing to do?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

What's a cat's favourite piece of classical music

MeOw ForTuna

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Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"?

Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?

MadAtGasCar

What is Otto von Bismarck's favourite Queen song?

Under Prussia.

"Indecisive" is my favourite word.

Actually, no it isn't.

My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?

The bark.

What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?

The branches.

What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?

The trunk.

What's my father's favourite part of the tree?

The leaves :(

Which is Beethoven"s favourite fruit?

The "BaNANANAAAAA", "Ba NA NA NAAAAA"...

My favourite penguin joke

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk aro...

Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

What is Obi-Wan Kenobi's favourite song?

Higher ground by Red Hot Chili Peppers

What’s a kinky Italians favourite pasta?

Fetischini

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

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What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said

"Have to love Easter, baby...."

What's Harry Potter's favourite way of going down a hill?

Walking
Jk rolling

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

It’s my cake day humour me.

What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable

Barackoli

Favourite machine at the gym.

When l first joined the gym l wanted to lose the excess pounds l was carrying. After a month, l asked the guy next to me what he thought my favourite machine was at the gym. He looked me up and down and said, the vending machine.

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What was Hitler's favourite food?

Nazi goreng

my favourite logical fallacy is the ad hominem

and if you disagree, you're an idiot

What is an Emo Girl's favourite exercise at the gym?

Deadhangs.

What is Death’s favourite TV show?

Better Call Soul

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

What’s a pirates favourite plant?

An arrrrrrtichoke!

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My favourite joke :)

A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.

The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new M...

what is Doctor Who's favourite food?

Dalek bread.

What's the Habsburg Dynasty's favourite movie?

Jaws

What's Dracula's favourite alcoholic drink and candy combo?

Red vines

What’s a depressed skateboarder’s favourite trick?

Melanchollies

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

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The joke I always think of when asked “what’s your favourite joke?”

Didja hear about the Cutlery Gang downtown? They’ve started pronouncing the silent ‘k’ in words. Those kniving bastards!

Whats a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet

None. Historians believe pirates were illiterate.

What’s a communist’s favourite part of a clock?

The h*our* hand

What’s your favourite race?

Mine is the Le Mans

What is Putin’s favourite card game?

Bridge

What's a Russian's favourite rapper?

50 Cent

Or as they say in Russia, 10 million rubles

My favourite joke

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

Th...

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

what is a sheep's favourite holiday

The Baaaahamas

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What’s a Pornstars favourite drink?

7-Up in Cider

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My Favourite Joke

Some time ago, when I was a teenager, I went to my uncle’s farm. I, a city boy, didn’t want to go but my cousins insisted and convinced me. It was a nice experience at first but after a few days there I was bored as fuck with no tv, no internet, no video games, and just seeing my cousins 24h a day.<...

What's a house's favourite outfit?

Address

What's every men favourite type of tea?

Tea Tea's

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