The 123+ Best Favourite Jokes

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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What is a white nationalists favourite porn site ?

Only Klans

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

What is Donald Trump's favourite nation?

Discrimination

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What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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What's your favourite insult?

Mine is: If I wanted to hear from cunt, I'd make one queef.

Now you go

What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.

What is a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Sir or Ma'am,

we are cutting your internet connection due to illegal downloading and copyright violations.

Sincerely, Internet Provider

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

What's a nuclear engineer's favourite meal?

Fission chips!

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

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What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

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What is a prostitute's favourite musical note length?

A crotch.

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"

What is pirate's favourite letter?

Letter of marque.

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

My friends favourite NSFW joke

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: "Why are you home so early?" He replies, "I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away" The wife asks confused: "And the potato peeler?"
"She also got fired"

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My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there...

My wife just confessed that she broke my favourite lamp.

I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again,

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

Where is Peter Pans favourite place to eat out?

Wendy’s

What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

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My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

What is the Funeral Director's favourite drink?

He can't start his day without his *Mourning Coffee*.

What was Napoleon’s favourite piece of chicken?

The wing.

He liked to pick the bone apart.

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a man meets his fiancée's father (not OC but my father's favourite joke)

A man is invited to meet his fiancée’s father for the very first time and is understandably nervous.
Unfortunately, he is also a little gassy from some food the night before.
He is sitting in the living room, right next to the dog and directly across from his future father-in-law, when sudde...

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One of my favourite jokes

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are assholes.'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an asshole!'

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Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

Disclaimer: I just heard this joke today, so I apologize if this is old news for some of you.

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One even...

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky....

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties

What is a vampire’s favourite ship?

A blood vessel!!

What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination?

HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE

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Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"?

Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

My favourite Haiku

Space is limited
In a haiku, so it's hard
To finish what you

What is a frog's favourite drug?

Croakaine

What’s a tunas favourite music genre?

Heavy metal

What’s a Canadian‘s favourite car brand?

A Porsch, eh?

What is a rednecks favourite fruit?

Pump kin...

What's a cat's favourite piece of classical music

MeOw ForTuna

What's The Donald's favourite keyboard shortcut?

Command Alt Right.

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Poop jokes aren’t my favourite kind of joke.

But they are a solid #2.

What is a librarian's favourite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

What’s a stormtrooper’s favourite store?

The one right next to the Target

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What's a streaker's favourite film?

Free Willy.

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'Reincarnation' - My favourite joke of all time

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

What's an investors favourite burger?

A quarterly compounder

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What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.

What is Otto von Bismarck's favourite Queen song?

Under Prussia.

My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

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[NSFW!] What's Lady gaga's favourite way to have sex?

Raw raw, raw raw raw!

What is Captain Kirk's least favourite nut?

Pe-Kahn!!!!!!

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

What's a cow's favourite Beatles song?

Hay Chewed

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What is a pedophile's favourite pair of shoes?

White vans.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said

"Have to love Easter, baby...."

What is an Emo Girl's favourite exercise at the gym?

Deadhangs.

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The joke I always think of when asked “what’s your favourite joke?”

Didja hear about the Cutlery Gang downtown? They’ve started pronouncing the silent ‘k’ in words. Those kniving bastards!

What is a vampire's favourite thing to do?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Whats a wind turbines favourite colour?

Blew!

My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

What’s a cannibals favourite snack?

A bag of mixed nuts

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An Aussie favourite.

So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest, he looked up in the tree and saw a koala smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, s...

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the f...

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

What’s a kinky Italians favourite pasta?

Fetischini

What is Obi-Wan Kenobi's favourite song?

Higher ground by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Which is Beethoven"s favourite fruit?

The "BaNANANAAAAA", "Ba NA NA NAAAAA"...

What's a necrophiliac's favourite band?

Coldplay

What's a Philosophers favourite sport?

Discuss

What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?

The bark.

What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?

The branches.

What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?

The trunk.

What's my father's favourite part of the tree?

The leaves :(

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

It’s my cake day humour me.

My three favourite things

My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas

Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

my favourite logical fallacy is the ad hominem

and if you disagree, you're an idiot

What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?

MadAtGasCar

What’s a depressed skateboarder’s favourite trick?

Melanchollies

What's Dracula's favourite alcoholic drink and candy combo?

Red vines

What is Death’s favourite TV show?

Better Call Soul

Whats a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet

None. Historians believe pirates were illiterate.

"Indecisive" is my favourite word.

Actually, no it isn't.

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

What is Putin’s favourite card game?

Bridge

What is a chicken's favourite vegetable?

Bok-bok-bok-bokchoy

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

Favourite machine at the gym.

When l first joined the gym l wanted to lose the excess pounds l was carrying. After a month, l asked the guy next to me what he thought my favourite machine was at the gym. He looked me up and down and said, the vending machine.

What's the Habsburg Dynasty's favourite movie?

Jaws

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My favourite position in bed is at the bottom

Because all i do is fuck up

what is Doctor Who's favourite food?

Dalek bread.

You know what's the favourite holiday song in Wales?

All I Want For Christmas is Ewe

What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable

Barackoli

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

My favourite penguin joke

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk aro...

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What was Hitler's favourite food?

Nazi goreng

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

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Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable....

.....up until he decided to give peas a chance.

What's every men favourite type of tea?

Tea Tea's

what is a sheep's favourite holiday

The Baaaahamas

So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

What do you call an astronauts favourite part in the computer

>!SPACE BAR !<

What was Robin Hood's favourite variety of font?

Sans-sheriff

Emo Philips posted his favourite Judy Tenuta joke in honor of her passing:

My favorite Judy Tenuta story: after a show, the comic who opened for her is driving her to their next gig; as they re passing cornfields at 2 AM he asks, "So what did you think of my act" & she replies,
"Ask me again when we get a bit closer to town"

Godspeed, Judy Tenuta.

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

Back in school, my favourite teacher was Mrs Turtle.

She had a funny name, but she tortoise well.

What’s a sheep’s favourite holy text?

The Baa-ble.

What's a Russian's favourite rapper?

50 Cent

Or as they say in Russia, 10 million rubles

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