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Severe Jokes

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

What do you call a cow who is severely mentally ill?

Udderly Insane.

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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

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A man with severe headache couldn’t take it anymore..

He went to the doctor and after examining him, the doctor said that your balls are too big for your size and take extra oxygen. The only solution is to cut them.

The man hesitated but agreed at the end. After waking up from the surgery and feeling good for the first time, he decided he will...

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A man goes to the doctor complaining about a severe headache for several years.

The doctor examines him and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headache. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only ...

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

An overconfident MMA fighter entered the cage without proper warmup and had not trained for months. Subsequently he incurred a severe injury for which the doctor advised to not enter the ring ever again. Thus it is appropriately said...

A grapple a day keeps the doctor away

In my day, schooling was so severe.

If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.

Tough measures.

A friend of mine recently got a severe frostbite.

I was really worried, but he told me he was cool with it.

Just found an envelope containing several severed fingers in my mailbox

It was weird because we don't usually get mail on Sundays

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A prostitute goes to see a gynecologist with severe stomach pains....

After she had stripped off and the doctor had examined her, he said "The issue is with your aviaries". She said "Don't you mean ovaries doctor?" He replied "No, there's been a cockatoo in there!"

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Dear Mr. Watson, please inform any potential customers I can't see them now due to a severe Constipation

"No shit, Sherlock?"

What do you call a black guy with severed legs?

**AN AMBULANCE, CALL HIM AN AMBULANCE**

What do you call a person with severe ADHD

AD4K

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

A man goes to the doctor, complaining of severe headaches.

They try several treatments, but none work.

One day, the doctor says, "I know this will sound crazy, but I used to have headaches like yours. One night I was with my wife, and I went down on her. Just as she was about to climax she would squeeze my head really hard with her thighs, and my hea...

Temptation (Severe pun warning)

My best friend was getting married to his long time partner Edith.

Some of his friends took him to a bucks/stag night away. While at a bar he was approached by a beautiful woman who whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered back in her ear.

She frowned and walked away. ...

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

A man is severely depressed.

Joke:

His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.

...

I've had a severe addiction to taking inventory at the blacksmithing shop.

We all have our vices.

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

I feel severely let down by two people in my life.

My father, my mother, and my mathematics teacher.

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace.

That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Joe goes to the doctor with severe constipation

Doctor gives him two suppositories. Joe goes home and swallows them.

Next day he goes back to the doctor.

"Doc I am still badly constipated."

Doctor gives him two more suppositories, and Joe again goes home and swallows them."

He again goes back to the doctor the next day...

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I asked my boss if I can have the day off due to severe constipation

He said no because I’m full of shit

TIL Severe Yeast Infections Can Lead to Pregnancy

You could end up with a bun in the oven!

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

what do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention ?

.
.
.
.


You call the hambulance.

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A man goes to the doctor with severe sunburn

He’s asks the doctor, “Is theirs anything you can do to help relieve the pain as it is so bad I can barely sleep at night.”
The doctor prescribes the man a weeks supply of viagra.
“How will this ease the pain of my sunburn?!” The man asks before the doctor replies “It won’t but it will keep th...

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

With all the new, more severe, strains of Covid being discovered..

I guess that means that the original was actually Corona light..

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On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

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I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.

I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

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Once Abdul's wife had a severe stomach ache..

He tried Google, asked his friends and relatives, but no respite from the pain for his wife. Finally, someone suggested to him a reputed Gastroenterologist, and he called him.

Abdul: "Doctor! Please help my wife. She has a severe stomach ache, and I tried everywhere, and nothing is helping. W...

My idea of holding a summer vacation school to help kids with severe ADHD failed.

Do you think it's because I called it a "Concentration Camp?"

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Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years.

Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years. He is now in his 30s still suffering terrible headaches. Doctors have run every test known, tried every medicine but still the headaches continue.

Eventually the man finds himself another doctor who after a thorough examination tells ...

You walk through the woods and come across a severed dead body. What do you do?

Check your map, clearly you're walking in circles

In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

What did Sauron say when he got to the hospital with severe covid symptoms?

ICU

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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness

That came out of nowhere

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John was livid that his Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up...

John was livid that his Tickle-me Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up.

He picked up the latest Tickle-me Elmo puppet and noticed two fuzzy balls sewed between its legs.

John followed the assembly line to the source of the problem and he saw his new Employee, Sarah, surroun...

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I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements....

"Tough shit" he said.

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

What's the most severe long term effect of COVID-19?

The hospital bill.

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If someone with a severe banana allergy eats a banana cream pie....

Will they go into bananaphylactic shock?

We should have known that the coronavirus was more severe sooner.

There were red flags everywhere.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

An American, a German and a Chinese got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia

So for the terrible crime, they were all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping .."

The German was first in lin...

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A man went to the dentist with a severe toothache. The dentist looked into his mouth and told him he'd have to pull out a rotten tooth. The man said, "Whatever it takes. I can't stand the pain."

The dentist took out a needle and the man
said, "No, I'm scared to death of needles. Can
you use something else to kill the pain?"
The dentist said, "Sure, I'll just give you
some nitrous oxide instead."
The man said, "No can do, Doc. I'm allergic
to gas."
So the dentist gave hi...

I went to my doctor because I had severe chest pain that wasn't going away

I freaked out when he couldn't figure out what it was and ended up referring me to a cardiologist.

The cardiologist ran some labs and scans and told me to wait for the results in his office.

I was relieved when the doctor came back with the results with a huge smile on his face.
...

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“Doctor, my husband was just admitted to this hospital with severe butt spasms. Where is he now?”

Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Man with severe stutter orders a drink...

Bartender tells him, "Years ago a I had a stutter just like yours, but my wife cured me during a marathon day of constant sex. After hours and hours, I was so exhausted, could hardly breathe and finally passed out. When I woke up, the stutter was gone!"

Couple days later, the same guy came ...

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

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I have severe constipation.

No shit.

Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,

Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

I’ve noticed a severe lack of African-American students attending Hogwarts...

... I guess they don’t like black magic.

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I once dated a girl with severe Eczema...

She had a cracking pair of tits!

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

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