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Tragic Jokes

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18 floor nightclub,

was not a bouncer.

Kid tragically fell under a steam roller

The poor child was squashed to death as a steam roller ran over him. Fortunately some one knew who he was and where he lived. A police officer said he would drive to the child’s address to break the bad news. Sadly there was no reply so the police officer did the next best thing. He slid the kid und...

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Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

The father of Private Smith has deceased, and the drill instructor is tasked to break the tragic news to the young man...

The father of Private Smith has deceased, and the drill instructor is tasked to break the tragic news to the young man. He has the platoon to line up in front of the barracks and addresses them:
"Platoon, atten-shun! Each soldier that's got a dad take two step forwar- SMITH, where the hell d'yo...

I tragically lost my body in an accident, from the neck down

I had grand plans for my life, but I should probably quit while I'm a head

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!


One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

I just want to say the Dyson Ball vacuum cleaner is tragically misnamed

and don't even get me started on the crevice tool.

My Aunt Betty lost both her feet in a tragic accident but she's still taller than her sister Susan which means Betty is...

Lack toes and taller Aunt.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

The search for escaped psychic Chris Tolbol has ended tragically today.

He was discovered after being hit by a train.

Eyewitnesses state that he didn't see it coming.

Did you hear the tragic story about the man who sat in food coloring?

He dyes in the end.

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer a tragic heartbreaking loss in 12 years

So to cheer myself up I got a puppy

A Tragic Story...

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a bushel of grains that could have become whiskey, but didn’t.

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There was a tragic birth defect that affected a young couples' first born child.

The doctor looked at the new parents and said. "Your baby is healthy, but he was born without eyelids. The parents were shocked and the new mother started to weep.

"Is there anything that can be done to fix this?" She asked, choking on her tears.

The doctor thought a moment when an ...

A Man Dies In A Tragic Car Crash With Two Friends.

They all end up in Heaven and are asked, "When people see you in your casket at your funeral, what would you like to hear them say?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a very competent doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear...

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

Tragic Accident

Three guys die in a car accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive, St. John says, "We have one rule in heaven: no stepping on the ducks!"

But it's nearly impossible to avoid stepping on ducks, as they are everywhere. The first guy steps on a duck, and St. John comes running over and...

I had a cousin called Marco. Tragic story. He got lost in a crowded shopping mall. My aunt called and called for him

but of course she hadn't a hope of hearing him calling back.

Which is the most tragic Olympics story?

A gymnast walks into a bar.

Did you hear? An auctioneer died the other day at a tragically young age.

He was 35, 35, going on 40, 40, 45, 45, going on 50, 50, do I hear 55, do I hear 55? 50, 50, going once, going twice, 50...

A man died in a tragic skydiving accident.

Some say he left an impact on the world.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

What tragic fruit resembles Romeo and Juliet?

Cantaloupe

I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down

Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal

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An engaged couple tragically die in a car crash and go to heaven.

At the pearly gates they ask St. Peter if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter looks at the couple thoughtfully and replies,

“Yes, but it might take some time”

Three months later St. Peter comes back to the couple with a priest who soon marries them. A few thousand years pass and...

Did you hear about Meghan Markle's tragic car accident?

I think it's next month.

So sad to hear about Ghislaine Maxwell's tragic suicide ...

Oh wait, that's tomorrow, right?

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never ...

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Little Johnny lost his eye in a tragic accident

But being from a very poor family, he was unable to get a glass replacement. Instead, he was fitted with a wooden eye, which ruined what there was of his high school social life. No one would talk to him, and he had no friends. Finally senior year rolled around, and he found himself alone in the ...

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3 Men tragically died in a car crash

When they go to heaven they appear in front of Father Joseph who then says

“None of you were meant to die.. and because I cannot send you back to earth as your families have already mourned.. you may choose what you would like to become before you are sent back.”

The first man went to...

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Lorena Bobbit has died in a tragic car accident.

Some dick cut her off.

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

Which disease is most tragic for a mime?

Gesticular cancer.

Beer battered fish is just so tragic.

That's alcohol abuse!

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

Did you hear about the tragic crash of the small plane into the cemetery?

So far they've recovered 324 bodies.

Five people were tragically killed in a car accident

As their souls drifted heavenwards, they saw a band of angels, and they cried out "Ah! Angels!"

The angels saw the souls, but were too polite to say anything.

A tragic story: two peanuts walked into an alley.

One was a salted

Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children...

Whoops, wrong thread.

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

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The woman selling nudes for the bushfire is so tragic...

You can see the fire has already cleared hers away

Just heard a man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun - Tragic!

It’s ok, the Surgeon said he is fully recovered..

A tragic case of malpractice and injustice

So this unfortunate fellow comes down with gangrene and goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that the leg will have to be removed. After the operation the man wakes up and to his horror the doctor had amputated the wrong leg. Of course the doctor had to go back in immediately and take off the co...

Just been told my uncle tragically died at the brewery. He fell into a vat and drowned.

I don't think he suffered too much though, because he managed to get out twice to pee.

A man working at a sausage factory died in a tragic accident

The forman calls the man's wife to break the news.
Unconsolable, she asks "how did it happen? Did he have a heart attack? Did he fall down the stairs?"
The forman replies "No, ma'am. He tripped into the machine that puts the ground meat into links."
"It's the wurst case scenario."

A friend of mine had a tragic accident last year and lost the entire left side of his body

It’s okay tho, he’s all right now

A parachutist friend of mine was able to record a joke on his GoPro during his tragic last skydive saying that he'd 'had a great summer but was expecting an even better fall'.

He certainly hit the ground punning!

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

After a tragic fire in a Catholic school, three young ladies arrived in Heaven

They were met by St. Peter, who told them that all each
of them had to do to be admitted beyond the pearly gates was to answer a question about the Bible.

The first young woman faced St. Peter "What," he asked, "was the name of the first man?"
"Adam" she answered, and was admitted.
<...

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An entire dorm of teenage girls burns down, and tragically, 23 girls were killed in the fire.

Being young, they all go to heaven. In front of the pearly gates, St. Peter has them all line up. The first girl approaches and asks, "What do I have to do to get into heaven?"

"Well," Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?"

"I did once. But I just poked it!" The girl replies....

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Fair, a spokesman said

"We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."

Did you hear about the tragic fire at the shoe factory?

200 soles were lost.

Tragic: In the world every 60 seconds...

...One minute passes.

A while back my friend tragically lost his left arm, so I asked him how he's been doing...

He says he's all right

The world’s fattest woman died today after a tragic skydiving accident.

Her family say she’ll leave a huge hole.

After hearing about how her son was involved in a tragic accident, the mother rushes to the hospital

There she sees her son lying in a coma in bed with a doctor watching over him.

Completely disheartened, she asks the doctor:

"What state is my son in?"

To which the doctor replies:

"Err, Oregon?"

I was explaining to my third wife that I had been married twice before, and that both marriages tragically ended in death.

Intrigued, the wife asks “How did they die?”

I explain “My first wife died after eating poisoned mushrooms while we were on our honeymoon.”

She says “I’m so sorry to hear that. What about the second wife?”

I respond with “She died of a mortal head injury. Fortunately for her, he...

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Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.

He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”

Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being tru...

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Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church...

The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile.

"You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin."

The men...

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

This weekend a red ship & a blue ship collided at sea

Tragically, all the sailors were marooned.

Tragic reports as customers find themselves trapped inside a burning Apple store

There were no windows.

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

Did you hear about the leper whose wife died in a tragic car accident?

He fell to pieces.

Time flies when you are Putin!

President Putin is in a meeting at the Kremlin when suddenly, one of the officials enters the room and approaches Putin, saying, "Mr. President! We've just received news that Comrade Prigozhin has tragically died in an airplane accident!"

Surprised, Putin raises his hand and checks his watch,...

I saw a woman waving at me yesterday, but I wasn’t too sure.

Anyways, onto more tragic news, I lost my job as a lifeguard.

Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own....

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

A man was standing on the corner when an old van from the 1980's drove by ...

... it had a long whip antenna attached to its side. Tragically however the clasp holding to the van at the end closest to the rear doors broke off just as the van was rounding the corner. The whip antenna sprung free and nicked the man's arm. He didn't think much of it at the time, but later h...

I heard bad news on the way over here:the Donald Trump Presidential Library was just destroyed by fire, and, tragically, both books were a total loss.

Worse yet, he hasn't finished coloring the second one.

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong.........

the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Bill and Donna .

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Donna felt absolutely horrible about what ...

A church advertises a job for a bell ringer

Several people apply and the minister decides to have auditions to see who rings the bell the best. The last applicant comes in and the minister immediately notices that he has no arms.

"Tell me, son, how do you intend to ring the bell with your disability?"

"It's no problem," the app...

I'm dating a beautiful half Asian girl.

Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and she lost both her legs in a tragic car accident.

"Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into."

*Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.

As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.

The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, peo...

Russian Doctor

As the body of another high ranking Russian Industrialist comes into the morgue..

Accompanied by two policemen the doctor examines the body…

“Three shots to the back of the head.. ?

So what do you think was the cause of his death?”

The two policemen look at each other.....

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse, a bit taken aback, replies, "I've just lost my best friend, a cowboy who took care of me and rode me for years. He died in a tragic accident on the ranch."

Feeling bad for the horse, the bartender offers ...

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3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

I knew a guy who managed to unlocked 100% of his brain

He died of a seizure in the hospital, it was pretty tragic

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Not sure if this joke is originally from my language or if it is an old joke which is stolen then translated to my language but thought I’d share it

Three man were lining up to heaven when st. peter explained that their death was not planned and that it has happened due to unforeseen and unknown circumstances. Because of this heaven wasn’t prepared for their coming and would need them to wait outside for a long time. However, pitying their early...

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Wood Eye

Little Johnny had a tragic accident and lost his right eye. His parents were poor and couldn’t afford a replacement so Johnnys father crafted a wooden eye to put in the empty socket.

Johnny was very self conscious and in turn was very shy, especially around girls. His parents encouraged him ...

A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"


"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."


"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"


"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."


"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid...

I knew Calabasas was a rich area of LA

But I had no idea it literally rains millionaires.

(Obvious disclaimer: the event is tragic, but this is a joke)

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

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The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.

The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her...

A plane crashes in the pacific ocean. The only survivors are five men and a gorgeous woman

After a few days they end up on a desert island. After several failed attempts to get in contact with the outside world, they give up and come to terms with the fact that they have to spend the rest of their lives on this island.

They quickly acquire the necessary skills to build houses and l...

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheape...

Simon Cowell could win X-Factor

He's got a tragic back-story

A farmer is obsessed with Tractors

His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors
...

My grandfather passed away recently and I'll never forget his last words

"Son, that gun's loaded". So tragic, RIP grandfather

An avid skydiver dies in a skydiving accident.

At the funeral a friend approaches the widow.

"It was a tragic accident" the friend says, "but at least he died doing something he loved."

"Not really" replied the widow.

"I thought he loved skydiving" replied the friend

"Oh, he loved skydiving" said the widow, "He hated...

In honor of one of my late uncle’s best jokes:

A Czechoslovakian goes to the zoo and heads to the lion exhibit. He wants a closer look at the lions and before anyone could stop him, he was is their cage. He’s soon attacked and eaten by one of the lions.

A witness to this tragic event says to the zookeeper, “I saw the whole thing happen. ...

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Mother in law and stairs

Two old friends meet each other after a long time:

A: Oh hey, what's new?

B: Nothing much, my mother in law died.

A: Oh really, damn, how?

B: She went downstairs to the basement to get some potatoes for lunch, fell and broke her neck.

A: That's tragic, what did you...

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