An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”

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jokes are like farts.

if you force them, it's probably shit.

“Silent farts that don’t stink...”

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...

Why do farts smell so bad?

So deaf people can appreciate them too

Farts are like children

I’m proud of mine but disgusted by yours

My Egyptian friend and I have the exact same farts

Toot in common

Farts are like ninjas because…

They’re sneaky, they’re dangerous, and if you see one, something has gone terribly wrong.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

How can you tell when a clown farts?

Because it smells funny.

What do you call it when a ghost farts?

It passed ghast

What do you call a lactose-intolerant person’s farts?

Their dairy-air

-Dad, Dad, do farts have weight?

-No Timmy, they don’t.


-Then I shat myself.

I returned to the genie and asked him why he turned me into a 11ft giant who gets his backside wiped every time he farts.

He said, "You wished to live longer and be treated like royalty."

What happens when the Queen farts?

Nothing.
As noble gases do not react.

I've realized that Children are like farts

You don't mind them when they're your own

But everyone else's are disgusting.

Where do Cow Farts come from?

The Dairy Air.

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

Mr. Johnson walk into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

He lets out a very loud fart and says, "See? It doesn't smell."

The doctor goes to his closet and takes out a pole with a hook on the end.

Mr. Johnson is understandably terrified. "What are you gonna do with that thing?"

"I'm just going to open the window," says the doctor. "And...

Excuses are like farts

I love the sound of my own, but don't want to hear anyone else's

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Dinner with the dog

I remembered a joke from decades ago; hope it hasn't been here before:


A teenage boy brought his girlfriend to have dinner with the family for the first time. Just as everyone sits down, the girl lets out a little fart. Dad looks at the family dog, who is sitting between the boy and his...

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

What do you call a teacher that only farts in their own home?

A private tooter

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

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You hear about the guy who built the car that runs on farts?

It gets shitty milage.

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If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts.

Bill and Mary have been married for a long time.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts. Mary is not, but she tolerates it.

Every morning, as Bill climbs out of bed, he rips an obnoxious fart as he heads to the bathroom.

And every morning Mary tells Bill, “one of these days you’r...

What do you call an Eygptian Pharaoh that farts the same way as you?

Toot in Common!!

A man sees his doctor for his fart problems.

“I’ve been farting a lot lately, doc,” says the man. “I’ve actually farted ten times since I’ve been in here. But they don’t make any noise and they don’t smell. Can you help me?”

The doctor says, “I think I see the problem. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take ...

Man hires a hooker to try 69 for the first time

A man hires a hooker and they go back to his hotel.

Man: "I have never had a 69 before".

Hooker: "okay lets try that."

They get into position and she farts.

Hooker: "o i'm sorry, i don't know whats gotten into me."

she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she...

What kind of farts does Sigourney Weaver do in the bath?

Ripley ones.

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A young man turns 18

His uncle offers to take him to the local brothel for his birthday. The young man happily agrees hoping to finally lose his virginity.

They show up at the brothel and the young man is brought back to a private room by a very beautiful woman.

Woman: “You can undress and lay on the bed...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor

When the doctor asks her inside, she starts:

"Doctor, please help me. I am plagued by terrible flatulence. Gladly, my farts are silent and don't smell. However, I couldn't help to fart four our five times even since I entered your office."

The doctor has a thoughtful expression on her ...

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

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