Ab Jokes - 82 Hilarious Ab Jokes

80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.

80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.

How did Jesus maintain his killer abs?

Cross Fit

I have Abs

olutely wasted my gym membership.

Why did the quantum physicist have such toned abs?

Because they planck constant.

Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.

A pastor, an imam, and a rabbit decide to donate blood.

The pastor comes out and says, “They tested it and told me I’m A positive.”

The imam follows up with, “Interesting! I found out I’m AB negative.”

The rabbit looks at the two of them and says, “Pretty sure I’m a type O.”

Why do all bodybuilders train their Abs?

It's practically oblique-atory

JFK, Ab. lincoln, & Martin luther king Jr walks into a bar

They get a few shots

My abs are like ghost

I can feel their presence but cannot see them

Whats rhe difference between ab alcoholic, and a lawyer?

A law degree.

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

I play hide and seek with my abs.

They are really good at it.

What do you call a Snowman with six-pack abs?

What do you can a Snowman with six-pack abs?

An Abdominal Snowman.

I've got washboard abs.

But unfortunately there is a load of laundry sitting on the washboard.

Why did the scientist have such strong abs?

Because he kept his Planck’s constant

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

What do you call a rapper will killer abs?

6Pac

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

My abs are like my girlfriend

I don't have a girlfriend

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

Hey Jesus. How did you get abs and look so lean with muscular definition?

Jesus: Well basically a strict diet and CROSS FIT.

My abs are so perfect...

...that i keep them safe and sound under a protective layer of beer belly.

Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

Loving beer and wanting abs is hard

So I had to cancel my gym membership due to conflict of interests

I've been going to the gym for five years now and I still don't have abs.

It sucks being the cleaner.

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

What's the difference between my abs and my mother-in-law?

Unfortunately, I won't be seeing my abs over Christmas.

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An Arab and a Jew

There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to g...

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said 'This didn't happen by accident'

I said ' if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer' .

My abs are like young children when a new person visits their house

They’re there but nowhere to be seen

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

What do you call a person with normal abs in a universe full of fat people

Abnormal

A Priest, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic

The nurse asks them, gentlemen, do you know your blood types?

The priest replies, “Yes I am AB+”

The Imam replies, “I am a B +”

And finally the Rabbit replies, “I am not too sure but I think that I’m a Type O”

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

How do you like my six-pack?

It was only $4.99 in the ab-store.

I was assigned AB positive blood type at birth, but I identify myself as having B negative blood.

After all, blood is fluid.

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I'm 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some.

I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don't even understand them.

So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything.

Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke.

I've yet to be dispr...

My wife told me, “Every day, you should do at least 20 sit-ups.”

I said, “That sounds like physical ab use.”

Who were the first people with six packs?

Ab originals

What are the strongest blood types?

ABs

I also have a joke that's never heard before!

My neighbor is going to court for allegedly beating his wife and kids with his belly muscles.

He's being tried for domestic ab use.

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"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

What's the one thing Tupac needed to work on?

His ab routine. If he had a good ab routine, he would have been called Sixpac.

I am vegan and I am against horses pulling carriages.

It's animal ab use.

I don't have a beer gut.

I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs

A new sunscreen called Sun-Off has been causing skin rashes on people's bellies after application.

It's a real Sun-Off Ab Itch

What does a british musician live in?

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barmaid comes to take their order and the Englishman says "w-w-w-what are you, you, y-ou two h-aving?". The Irishman says "B-Bushmills, m-m-mate" and the Scotsman says "M-M-Mackeson's, th-th-thanks," and the Englishman says to the barmaid, "A-a-a B-ushmills, a, a, a, M-Mackeson's and a, and an, ...

I wanted to finally have a six-pack so girls would like me so I hired a personal trainer to work me out...

...I quit after two days because I couldn't take the ab use.

Car trouble

I've had the ABS function activated on my car for years, but my gut is as big as ever.

I have a spreadsheet of all the Abe Lincoln reposts.

I call them my Lincoln logs.

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

What do you call atoning for your sins by hitting the gym every day?

Ab solution

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I can only cum on my girlfriend’s stomach

My parents told me to ab-stain until marriage.

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Indian Joke about Weather

Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than...

Why does each Jedi have a fat stomach and saggy ass?

Only a Sith deals in abs n glutes

Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store.

One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.

Mosquito 1: “You must have really good taste.”

Mosquito 2: “And you’re just whippin’ by for a drink?”

Mosquito 1: “Nah, this kind’s just really easy to get ‘round here.”

I fired my personal trainer today.

I couldn't handle the ab use.

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

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A little old lady

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”

The little lady, holdi...

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

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What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

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(Long) Crashing Plane

The pilot comes on the intercom and announces "ladies and gentlemen we just lost our engines, we are going down, prepare to crash."

A woman jumps up screaming "I AM NOT READY TO DIE, I"M STILL A VIRGIN, SOMEONE MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!

A good looking guy gets up, walks to her, and takes...

What do you call doing sit-ups in the comfort of your own home?

Domestic ab use.

After being forced to do sit ups for 4 hours straight

The man died of ab-use

How do programmers get a sixpack?

int[][] abs = new int[2][3]

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

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I hate double standards.

A guy with 6 pack abs was shirtless yesterday and nobody gave a shit. But today, I was hot and decided to take my shirt off and people looked disgusted and I got the police called on me. All I did was let my tits hang out. Why is this a problem?

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

A mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer and a software engineer where testing a new automobile..

Going down a hill the brakes started to fail. They careened down the hill at speed, screeching round the corners, narrowly missing cliff faces and sheer drops, and finally coming to a halt by steering up a grassy bank.

"Phew, that was close", said the electronics engineer, "I've got a...

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

Just did some crunches while hugging my cat

Just trying to get purrfect abs

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

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The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

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[nsfw]-ish Three vampires enter a bar

Three vampires enter a bar. The first is small and nonthreatening, walks up to the bar and timidly requests a wine glass of the finest blood, AB- if it's available. The bartender serves him a glass of the '82 Shatner and recommends a cheese to go with it.

The second vampire is quite large and...

So a head rolls into a bar...

This guy only has a head. No neck, no torso, no limbs.

He gets helped up onto the bar and asks for whiskey on ice, with a bendy straw so he can drink, and the bartender obliges.

He starts talking with the bartender and the other guy at the bar, answering questions about how he lives wi...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat...

As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, sm...

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A rich vampire and a poor vampire walks into a bar that serves blood.

The bartender first approached the rich vampire to take his order.

"Good evening sir. Can I take your order?"

"Ah yes. Bring me a fresh blood of a virgin, and type AB negative please." he replied.

"Okay sir. Just a moment and I'll serve your drink."

The bartender then wen...

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A woman is traveling in an airplane..

All of a sudden the airplanes engine stalls. "The plane is going down. I repeat, the plane is going down!" The Pilot announces,

The woman starts to panic. "No! No! I can't die like this! I've been single for 15 years! I need a man to make me feel like a woman one last time!"

A very han...

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.

The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

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So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

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