UPJOKE
hatha yogameditationsamkhyatantrabuddhismworkoutindiaexercisepatanjalikundalinivajrayanajainismcalisthenicsaerobicshinduism

Yoga Jokes

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me.

When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable...

Who cares if you can see my balls?

What do you tell your friend when they try to get you to go to yoga with them?

Namaste...

Did ya hear about the yoga instructor who got sentenced to 5 years for tax evasion?

“I can do that time standing on my head” he said.

A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am

I told her, "namaste in bed".

A yoga instructor lives with his wife and mother ...

His mother is unhappy with their living situation. One day, the yoga instructor's wife asks her why she doesn't look for her own place. The mother says that she wants to, but every time she brings it up with her son, he says the same thing. The wife says "what does he say?". The mother replies "...

I don't like people who do Yoga

They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

I told my doctor "yoga is the best antidepressant available"

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

My yoga instructor came to the yoga session drunk today

He put me in an awkward position

I'm opening a new experimental yoga studio!

We will focus on harnessing our inner light and at the same time our inner darkness.
The first test will be the juxtapose.

Did you hear Adidas just released their new line of plus-sized yoga pants?

They’re called Adipose.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He bu...

A yoga guru is caught loitering on a corner and is asked to leave by police.

He replies “Namaste”.

Women who wear yoga pants...

Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.

What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?

They both contain stretchers.

I'm trying to write this pun about yoga

But it's just not working out

Ya I know it's a stretch

I've been doing yoga for 5 years.

It's been a long stretch

What do you call a communist doing yoga?

Stretch Marx

What did the yoga instructor say when they were asked if they wanted to go out for dinner?

Nah, ima stay

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?

Nothing. They’ll find themself.

My wife hit me while she was doing yoga...

In her defense, I put myself in ‘arms way!!

My Yoga instructor was so hot, I didn't want to leave the studio...

She kept telling me it was done but I said "namaste"

India gave us the Kama Sutra and Yoga, which is training to help doing the Kama Sutra.

Thanks Tindia.

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

I asked my yoga teacher if he was going to go home from the studio right after class,

He said: Namaste.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..

It's called "peace of ass"

What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?

Sick and twisted.

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a yoga class....

And is really disruptive to the whole class so the teacher asks him to leave. The man puts his hands together and says namaste.

What’s a pirate’s favorite yoga pose?

The plank.

My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

What did the son reply when his mother asked if he needed a drive to his yoga class?

"Nah, ma, stay"

What do you call it when you kill a yoga teacher before a session?

Premeditated murder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wedgie I had during yoga class.

Shortly after I moved back to the city I wanted to start up yoga again. I had just come from the mall and bought these adorable little Victoria Secret panties that I had immediately put on. As soon as I sat down in the yoga studio I could start to feel them riding up. I was thinking “shit. How do I ...

My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.

That's a big stretch.

I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

During a hot and sweaty yoga session, a femur and a humerus got real close. What did the humerus say to the femur?

“Quite the trochanter”.

Sunrise Yoga

I’m on vacation with my wife and she asks me “do you want to join me for sunrise yoga tomorrow?”

I replied ‘namaste in bed’

i was laying in a yoga class

I was just laying there, and the instructor says "hey man you gotta get outta here!"

So I said na-ma-ste

A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

A man was arrested for stealing yoga dvds

He's now doing a long stretch

Jesus is a regular at my yoga class

Pilates screwed him up real bad but he keeps coming back

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes.

He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women

So I went every day for three months. Bad news is I didn't meet a girl. Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

Mercedes pulled up to do some yoga in a really nice car

Mercedes bends

What did the yoga teacher told the gal that asked her if she'd like to grab a drink after class?

Nah, must stay.

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

Yo dude, you wanna go with me to yoga?

NahMaStay

Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent

2.

3.

If Elon Musk started a yoga studio...

...he’d be the owner of a boring company and an inner resting company as well.

A yoga pants owner, an uggs owner, and an iphone owner walks into a starbucks

She orders a drink - Pumpkin Spice Latte

What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

My friend who does yoga told me she can out both her feet behind her head

"Wow" I said to her "Sounds like a stretch to me"

What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart?

Cashier

They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind

But I like to think he had posterior motives.

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

Yoga studios are kinda aggresive.

When I go to leave they always tell me "Nah must stay!"

The instructor told me to just leave the yoga class if i wasn't going to take it seriously

I looked her in the eye and said "namaste"

What do deaf-mute people like about yoga pants?

They make lip-reading easier.

Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher?

They are flexible.

What kind of yoga do you do in a casket?

Decom-pose.

My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"...

"That's kind of a stretch for me"

I wanted to take up yoga.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

After yoga class, everyone was feeling a bit hungry

...so we all agreed to go grab a bite together but as we went to invite our instructor, he was in such a deep trance that his only response was a long drawn "ohm" constant throughout his breathing.

We tried for a good twenty minutes before finally his eyes rolled opened and his smile shined b...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.