I told my doctor "yoga is the best antidepressant available"

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

My yoga instructor came to the yoga session drunk today

He put me in an awkward position

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?

They both contain stretchers.

What do you call a communist doing yoga?

Stretch Marx

What do we know about Gandhi?

Well, he walked barefoot and was a vegetarian.. he ate very little and practiced yoga, and was a minimalist who likely didn't brush his teeth either, giving him bad breath.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Women who wear yoga pants...

Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.

My wife hit me while she was doing yoga...

In her defense, I put myself in ‘arms way!!

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?

Nothing. They’ll find themself.

Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?

They have great flex-ability

I'm trying to write this pun about yoga

But it's just not working out

Ya I know it's a stretch

I don't like people who do Yoga

They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga

And 100% of men dont care.

My Yoga instructor was so hot, I didn't want to leave the studio...

She kept telling me it was done but I said "namaste"

What did the yoga instructor say when the police accused him of beating someone with a plank?

That's a stretch

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"

I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..

It's called "peace of ass"

India gave us the Kama Sutra and Yoga, which is training to help doing the Kama Sutra.

Thanks Tindia.

When would you like your yoga class?

I'm flexible.

My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.

That's a big stretch.

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

My wife asked if these pants make her look fat…

I replied

“Definitely not. It’s you that makes the pants look fat.”

And oh how we both laughed and laughed.

Anyway, I’m single now in case any of you want to hang out.

I’m pretty open most days. Except for Tuesday’s when I do yoga.

Jesus is sitting in heaven looking glum, when St Paul says

"You've been down lately, come join me for yoga this afternoon, it'll improve your energy levels and perk you right up, Lord"



Jesus looks up, his expression remaining grim



"I'll pass, I've had bad experiences with Pilates"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a yoga class....

And is really disruptive to the whole class so the teacher asks him to leave. The man puts his hands together and says namaste.

What did the yoga instructor say when the blackjack dealer asked him if he wanted another card?

Namaste

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

What do you call it when you kill a yoga teacher before a session?

Premeditated murder

I've been doing yoga for 5 years.

It's been a long stretch

Would you consider doing yoga as “working out?”

Yeah.

Hmmm that seems like a stretch to me.

What’s a pirate’s favorite yoga pose?

The plank.

A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am

I told her, "namaste in bed".

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

During a hot and sweaty yoga session, a femur and a humerus got real close. What did the humerus say to the femur?

“Quite the trochanter”.

What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?

Sick and twisted.

I appreciate my yoga instructor

She really bends over backwards for me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wedgie I had during yoga class.

Shortly after I moved back to the city I wanted to start up yoga again. I had just come from the mall and bought these adorable little Victoria Secret panties that I had immediately put on. As soon as I sat down in the yoga studio I could start to feel them riding up. I was thinking “shit. How do I ...

Three things that never lie...

Drunk men, very young children,....and yoga pants.

What did the yoga teacher told the gal that asked her if she'd like to grab a drink after class?

Nah, must stay.

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

i was laying in a yoga class

I was just laying there, and the instructor says "hey man you gotta get outta here!"

So I said na-ma-ste

Mercedes pulled up to do some yoga in a really nice car

Mercedes bends

Sunrise Yoga

I’m on vacation with my wife and she asks me “do you want to join me for sunrise yoga tomorrow?”

I replied ‘namaste in bed’

I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable...

Who cares if you can see my balls?

My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room...

"Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?"

Another employee : "What? No. That's our new yoga instructor."

A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

A man was arrested for stealing yoga dvds

He's now doing a long stretch

Jesus is a regular at my yoga class

Pilates screwed him up real bad but he keeps coming back

Yo dude, you wanna go with me to yoga?

NahMaStay

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unfortunate

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up...

Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent

2.

3.

If Elon Musk started a yoga studio...

...he’d be the owner of a boring company and an inner resting company as well.

They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind

But I like to think he had posterior motives.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women

So I went every day for three months. Bad news is I didn't meet a girl. Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.

I applied for a job as a yoga teacher

"Are you flexible?"

"Well I can't do tuesdays."

Yoga Joka

A yoga instructor decided to let their class leave early. One straggler was left behind. The instructor asked, "Aren't you going to leave?" To which the student replied, "Namaste".

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

Yoga studios are kinda aggresive.

When I go to leave they always tell me "Nah must stay!"

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....

discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes.

He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart?

Cashier

My friend who does yoga told me she can out both her feet behind her head

"Wow" I said to her "Sounds like a stretch to me"

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

but I think she's just a poser.

What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

First attempt

An angel saw a man standing at the gate of heaven. The man was asked how he died. He replied saying he was on the 8th floor of his flat and saw a man trying to enter the 6th floor through the balcony. So he took the fridge and threw it at him. Shortly after that he died. The angel let him through....

After yoga class, everyone was feeling a bit hungry

...so we all agreed to go grab a bite together but as we went to invite our instructor, he was in such a deep trance that his only response was a long drawn "ohm" constant throughout his breathing.

We tried for a good twenty minutes before finally his eyes rolled opened and his smile shined b...

Three men were at the gates of heaven, but there was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.



Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands unti...

Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher?

They are flexible.

What kind of yoga do you do in a casket?

Decom-pose.

What did T-Rex say after doing yoga for the first time?

dinosore

My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"...

"That's kind of a stretch for me"

My girlfriend wanted me to go to yoga with her the other day.

I waved her off and said "Nah 'ma stay."

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

What do deaf-mute people like about yoga pants?

They make lip-reading easier.

I don't know if you guys will get my yoga joke...

... it's kind of a stretch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

I wanted to take up yoga.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

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