UPJOKE
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My yoga instructor came to the yoga session drunk today

He put me in an awkward position

Did you hear Adidas just released their new line of plus-sized yoga pants?

They’re called Adipose.

An American, An Indian, And A Russian Meet The Devil

An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He...

I'm trying to write this pun about yoga

But it's just not working out

Ya I know it's a stretch

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

I told my doctor "yoga is the best antidepressant available"

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

What did the yoga instructor say when they were asked if they wanted to go out for dinner?

Nah, ima stay

A yoga guru is caught loitering on a corner and is asked to leave by police.

He replies “Namaste”.

What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?

They both contain stretchers.

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?

Nothing. They’ll find themself.

I don't like people who do Yoga

They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.

My wife hit me while she was doing yoga...

In her defense, I put myself in ‘arms way!!

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

What do you call a communist doing yoga?

Stretch Marx

Women who wear yoga pants...

Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.

Why can't you hang around after a yoga class?

Because, none must stay.

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

My wife asked me to go to yoga class with her

I said Namaste here

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..

It's called "peace of ass"

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga

And 100% of men dont care.

My Yoga instructor was so hot, I didn't want to leave the studio...

She kept telling me it was done but I said "namaste"

India gave us the Kama Sutra and Yoga, which is training to help doing the Kama Sutra.

Thanks Tindia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.

His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...

I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.

That's a big stretch.

A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am

I told her, "namaste in bed".

When would you like your yoga class?

I'm flexible.

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a yoga class....

And is really disruptive to the whole class so the teacher asks him to leave. The man puts his hands together and says namaste.

What do we know about Gandhi?

Well, he walked barefoot and was a vegetarian.. he ate very little and practiced yoga, and was a minimalist who likely didn't brush his teeth either, giving him bad breath.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

During a hot and sweaty yoga session, a femur and a humerus got real close. What did the humerus say to the femur?

“Quite the trochanter”.

What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?

Sick and twisted.

What do you call it when you kill a yoga teacher before a session?

Premeditated murder

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

I've been doing yoga for 5 years.

It's been a long stretch

What’s a pirate’s favorite yoga pose?

The plank.

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable...

Who cares if you can see my balls?

My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wedgie I had during yoga class.

Shortly after I moved back to the city I wanted to start up yoga again. I had just come from the mall and bought these adorable little Victoria Secret panties that I had immediately put on. As soon as I sat down in the yoga studio I could start to feel them riding up. I was thinking “shit. How do I ...

I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

Job interview for yoga instructor

Guy: so what are the hours like here?

Yoga instructor: ohhh were veryyyy flexible

Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent

2.

3.

i was laying in a yoga class

I was just laying there, and the instructor says "hey man you gotta get outta here!"

So I said na-ma-ste

My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

Sunrise Yoga

I’m on vacation with my wife and she asks me “do you want to join me for sunrise yoga tomorrow?”

I replied ‘namaste in bed’

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

A man was arrested for stealing yoga dvds

He's now doing a long stretch

My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes.

He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

What did the yoga teacher told the gal that asked her if she'd like to grab a drink after class?

Nah, must stay.

Mercedes pulled up to do some yoga in a really nice car

Mercedes bends

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

Jesus is a regular at my yoga class

Pilates screwed him up real bad but he keeps coming back

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

If Elon Musk started a yoga studio...

...he’d be the owner of a boring company and an inner resting company as well.

They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind

But I like to think he had posterior motives.

A yoga pants owner, an uggs owner, and an iphone owner walks into a starbucks

She orders a drink - Pumpkin Spice Latte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women

So I went every day for three months. Bad news is I didn't meet a girl. Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.

Yo dude, you wanna go with me to yoga?

NahMaStay

My wife asked if these pants make her look fat…

I replied

“Definitely not. It’s you that makes the pants look fat.”

And oh how we both laughed and laughed.

Anyway, I’m single now in case any of you want to hang out.

I’m pretty open most days. Except for Tuesday’s when I do yoga.

What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart?

Cashier

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

but I think she's just a poser.

What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

What did T-Rex say after doing yoga for the first time?

dinosore

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

Yoga studios are kinda aggresive.

When I go to leave they always tell me "Nah must stay!"

After yoga class, everyone was feeling a bit hungry

...so we all agreed to go grab a bite together but as we went to invite our instructor, he was in such a deep trance that his only response was a long drawn "ohm" constant throughout his breathing.

We tried for a good twenty minutes before finally his eyes rolled opened and his smile shined b...

My friend who does yoga told me she can out both her feet behind her head

"Wow" I said to her "Sounds like a stretch to me"

The druggie and the yoga teacher

Yoga teacher: Hey man would you like to take a yoga class?

Drug addict: Namaste here and do some coke

Three things that never lie...

Drunk men, very young children,....and yoga pants.

Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher?

They are flexible.

The instructor told me to just leave the yoga class if i wasn't going to take it seriously

I looked her in the eye and said "namaste"

My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"...

"That's kind of a stretch for me"

What do deaf-mute people like about yoga pants?

They make lip-reading easier.

What kind of yoga do you do in a casket?

Decom-pose.

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

First attempt

An angel saw a man standing at the gate of heaven. The man was asked how he died. He replied saying he was on the 8th floor of his flat and saw a man trying to enter the 6th floor through the balcony. So he took the fridge and threw it at him. Shortly after that he died. The angel let him through....

I wanted to take up yoga.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

I don't know if you guys will get my yoga joke...

... it's kind of a stretch.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....

discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

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