What do you call a communist doing yoga?

Stretch Marx

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

I'm trying to write this pun about yoga

But it's just not working out

Ya I know it's a stretch

Women who wear yoga pants...

Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.

What do you do when a yoga guru goes missing?

Nothing. They’ll find themself.

My wife hit me while she was doing yoga...

In her defense, I put myself in ‘arms way!!

My Yoga instructor was so hot, I didn't want to leave the studio...

She kept telling me it was done but I said "namaste"

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

Jesus is sitting in heaven looking glum, when St Paul says

"You've been down lately, come join me for yoga this afternoon, it'll improve your energy levels and perk you right up, Lord"



Jesus looks up, his expression remaining grim



"I'll pass, I've had bad experiences with Pilates"

My wife asked if these pants make her look fat…

I replied

“Definitely not. It’s you that makes the pants look fat.”

And oh how we both laughed and laughed.

Anyway, I’m single now in case any of you want to hang out.

I’m pretty open most days. Except for Tuesday’s when I do yoga.

My wife asked me to go to yoga class with her

I said Namaste here

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

I don't like people who do Yoga

They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to my first hot yoga class...

...and as a newly single man thought I would give it a shot. I was surprised to be amongst so many beautiful woman, who were all in such tight, revealing clothes. So I stayed the whole class. The end came too quickly, but to my relief a new group of beautiful woman started showing up. Perturbed, the...

India gave us the Kama Sutra and Yoga, which is training to help doing the Kama Sutra.

Thanks Tindia.

90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga

And 100% of men dont care.

I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"

When would you like your yoga class?

I'm flexible.

My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.

That's a big stretch.

Three things that never lie...

Drunk men, very young children,....and yoga pants.

Would you consider doing yoga as “working out?”

Yeah.

Hmmm that seems like a stretch to me.

I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..

It's called "peace of ass"

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

What did the yoga instructor say when the blackjack dealer asked him if he wanted another card?

Namaste

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a yoga class....

And is really disruptive to the whole class so the teacher asks him to leave. The man puts his hands together and says namaste.

During a hot and sweaty yoga session, a femur and a humerus got real close. What did the humerus say to the femur?

“Quite the trochanter”.

What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?

Sick and twisted.

What do you call it when you kill a yoga teacher before a session?

Premeditated murder

What’s a pirate’s favorite yoga pose?

The plank.

I've been doing yoga for 5 years.

It's been a long stretch

My doctor suggested yoga to reduce stress.

I told her that sounded like a stretch.

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

Wakka Wakka U?

A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am

I told her, "namaste in bed".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wedgie I had during yoga class.

Shortly after I moved back to the city I wanted to start up yoga again. I had just come from the mall and bought these adorable little Victoria Secret panties that I had immediately put on. As soon as I sat down in the yoga studio I could start to feel them riding up. I was thinking “shit. How do I ...

I appreciate my yoga instructor

She really bends over backwards for me

What did the yoga teacher told the gal that asked her if she'd like to grab a drink after class?

Nah, must stay.

My yoga instructor was really drunk yesterday...

...which put me in an awkward position.

My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle"

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....

discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

Mercedes pulled up to do some yoga in a really nice car

Mercedes bends

i was laying in a yoga class

I was just laying there, and the instructor says "hey man you gotta get outta here!"

So I said na-ma-ste

A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

Sunrise Yoga

I’m on vacation with my wife and she asks me “do you want to join me for sunrise yoga tomorrow?”

I replied ‘namaste in bed’

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

Job interview for yoga instructor

Guy: so what are the hours like here?

Yoga instructor: ohhh were veryyyy flexible

My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

A man was arrested for stealing yoga dvds

He's now doing a long stretch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The handyman's case with naked yoga

After 6 month of naked yoga class, the wife goes home to her husband very excited, as she finally mastered the split. Very eager to show off her new talents, she strips naked in the middle of the kitchen and goes down to split. The husband is very impressed, but when the wife tries to get up, she re...

First attempt

An angel saw a man standing at the gate of heaven. The man was asked how he died. He replied saying he was on the 8th floor of his flat and saw a man trying to enter the 6th floor through the balcony. So he took the fridge and threw it at him. Shortly after that he died. The angel let him through....

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable...

Who cares if you can see my balls?

Yo dude, you wanna go with me to yoga?

NahMaStay

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

Jesus is a regular at my yoga class

Pilates screwed him up real bad but he keeps coming back

My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes.

He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants:

1. Weigh less than the animals they represent

2.

3.

If Elon Musk started a yoga studio...

...he’d be the owner of a boring company and an inner resting company as well.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind

But I like to think he had posterior motives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women

So I went every day for three months. Bad news is I didn't meet a girl. Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.

I applied for a job as a yoga teacher

"Are you flexible?"

"Well I can't do tuesdays."

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

Yoga studios are kinda aggresive.

When I go to leave they always tell me "Nah must stay!"

What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart?

Cashier

My friend who does yoga told me she can out both her feet behind her head

"Wow" I said to her "Sounds like a stretch to me"

Three men were at the gates of heaven, but there was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.



Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands unti...

Best things to say if you're caught sleeping on your desk...

“They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.”


“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me.”


“Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”


“I wasn’t sleepin...

Yoga Joka

A yoga instructor decided to let their class leave early. One straggler was left behind. The instructor asked, "Aren't you going to leave?" To which the student replied, "Namaste".

After yoga class, everyone was feeling a bit hungry

...so we all agreed to go grab a bite together but as we went to invite our instructor, he was in such a deep trance that his only response was a long drawn "ohm" constant throughout his breathing.

We tried for a good twenty minutes before finally his eyes rolled opened and his smile shined b...

My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"...

"That's kind of a stretch for me"

My wife claims to be very good at yoga...

but I think she's just a poser.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher?

They are flexible.

What kind of yoga do you do in a casket?

Decom-pose.

What did T-Rex say after doing yoga for the first time?

dinosore

My girlfriend wanted me to go to yoga with her the other day.

I waved her off and said "Nah 'ma stay."

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

What do deaf-mute people like about yoga pants?

They make lip-reading easier.

I wanted to take up yoga.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

Three men approach the gates of heaven

Three men approach the gate of heaven and meet Saint Peter who tells them that heaven is getting full and only those with the most awful deaths will be allowed in that day.
The first man steps up and says picture this...My boss let me go home early so I rushed home to my 22nd apartment floor buil...

I don't know if you guys will get my yoga joke...

... it's kind of a stretch.

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