I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys

I guess you could say she had a foot fetish

Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...

It will be night time.

My girlfriend is so tall ...

... I have to go up on her.

How does the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying

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A very tall man walks into a bar...

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.


They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm ...

Paul was 6 feet tall, Bob was 5 feet tall, John was 5'5.

John was the mean one.

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Tall tale

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn...

A guy says to the bartender "Give me something tall, cold and full of gin."

The drunk on the next stool turn angrily and says "Be careful. You are speaking about the woman I love."

Today at the park / Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

How tall is the world smallest grandmother?

One Nanameter.

This building is so tall, that if you jumped off the roof...

You would die of old age.

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

The discriminatory ant colony banished all ants over 4 mm tall

They had no taller ants

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(Censored version so it doesn’t get taken down again) Three men climb to the top of a tall mountain

Suddenly, it begins raining, therefore the three men won’t be able to get back down safely until the rain stops. Suddenly, a genie appears and informs the men that if they name an object, they will be able to jump off the mountain and land on that object. “Pillows,” says the first man. The man then ...

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How tall is Tom Cruise when masturbating?

5 foot nuttin’

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Three Irish men in a pub called says, "Are you all related?" Mick said, "Yeah we're triplets". Barman says, "Triplets, how Come you & Pat are six foot tall & Tat is only four foot tall?"

"Well", said Mick, "Me & Pat
were breast fed, so there was no tit for tat".

What did the physicist write in his suicide note before he jumped off a tall building?

I had so much potential, but i let it all down

Most garden statuary is only 30cm tall and wears red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

What is 8ft tall,lives in the woods and has a curly tail...

Pigfoot

My 7 year old told me this and thought I would share

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

Once there was a king only 12” tall.

He was a lousy king, but made a great ruler.

Did you know tall people are usually bad at math?

... cus it’s the little things that count

A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat

Why areshort people better than tall people?

They are more down to earth.

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

What do you call a blind clock that’s really tall?

Long time, no see

Why are tall people always so well rested?

Because they sleep longer in bed.

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My dog (Great Dane) is huge. 150lbs. Just as tall as me on his hind legs. I love this dog to death but he is such a misbehaved dog...

Shits on the carpet. Barks and tries to bite people. Always knocking things over. I took him to obedience school and we are making some progress. However the dog trainer notices me looking at the dog with contempt. The trainer says to me ,"it looks as tho you despise your dog!"

I just shook m...

A four foot tall man visits the local bordello...

when he gets there. he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.



Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by th...

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A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."

The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

Did you hear about the 4-foot tall psychic who ran away from the police?

The small medium is at large.

My dad just got a tall new grill and I’m worried he’ll get hurt trying to use it.

The steaks have never been higher.

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

A man nearly 7ft tall walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. After finishing his drink he walks off to use the bathroom. He comes out, seemingly unaware that his fly is down and sits down at a piano and begins to play.

A woman walking past looks down at the man while he plays and exclaims "why, thats the biggest piani...

A construction worker fell off a tall scaffold.

His colleagues dashed over to the edge and looked down in horror as he plummeted towards his death, crashing and bouncing off the metal structure.

A worker gasped in shock, "He will be bloody missed."

His manager replied, "No he's not. He's a splatter on the pavement."

A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building...

She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"

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Man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender says about three feet.

Man, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"

The bartender says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."

.
.
.
.
Man, "Oh shit, in that case, my fear is true.....I just drove over a nun!"

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A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain try...

I was talking to a girl at school one day and she was talking to me and she asked how tall I was and I answered 6’4” and she shivered and then I said “Maybe 6’5” and she screamed. Then I asked her “ What’s wrong with you?”

She said “Nothing, I’m just afraid of heights.”

What's six feet tall and has an enormous dong?

The liberty bell.

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A Labrador, a Golden Retriever & a Chihuahua...

are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They’re speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and ...

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

What do yo call a tall, muscular Irishman with a temper that you shouldn't mess with?

Liam Malone

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said

“honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

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An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

It's good thing tall people like me don't grow on trees

friend: too bad shorter people could use the shade!

What's common between tall people and rock/metal music lovers ?

They both head bang a lot.

You can never trust tall people...

They always think they’re above everyone else.

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Two tiny, 3-inch tall men are walking through the woods

One says to the other "hey, look, a frog! Let's go prank it"

The other guy says "First pranking wizards, now frogs? No! I'm sick of your shit, Phil!"

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

A man walks into a bar...

As he walks into the bar, he notices a small man playing the piano, about a foot tall.

Fascinated by how small the man is, he goes up to the bartender and asks, "Excuse me sir, how did you find that little piano man?"

The bartender explains. "Well, one day I was walking along the beac...

Doctor doctor, whenever I climb to the top of a mountain or tall building and look down, I always get the compulsion to sing classical music!

Hmm. Sounds like you have a bad case of Verdigo.

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A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can brea...

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived, they asked me, “Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about, the burglar?” “Well... it was rather dark,” I replied.

The police officer says, “Okay… and how tall was it?”

I don't think he understood me very well.

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3 window cleaners are working up a 20 story tall building

While working halfway the building 1 of them fell, obviously causing him to instantly die.

"Well fuck, that man had a wife. We need to tell him." One of the men said.

While the other man backed up and said he wasn't gonna tell her, the first man took the courage and went over to the w...

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I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

If your students are too tall, just go into a brighter room.

Your pupils will get smaller.

Have you heard the one about the dwarf who abuses his tall wife?

It's a little offensive.

But a real knee slapper.

A Man Walks Into A Bar And Notices A 12 Inch Tall Pianist In The Corner

A man walks into a bar and notices a 12 inch tall pianist in the corner, he walks up to the bartender and asks him about it. "Never mind that," The bartender replied, "This morning I found a magic lamp underneath the local bridge. Watch" the bartender then proceeded to rub the lamp and out came a g...

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A guy is walking along a stretch of tall fences, minding his own business...

...when he notices chanting coming from the other side of the fence. He makes his way closer to make out what it is he's hearing.

"18...18...18....18..." is what he hears from a chorus of voices on the other side.

He looks along the fence until he finds a hole to peer through and see w...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

Have you heard of the ancient Amazonian tribe known as the Fugawi?

The average height of each adult was about 4ft, and they lived in an area with tall grass that would reach up to 6ft. They were know for jumping up and down in the grass fields announcing "We're the Fugawi! We're the Fugawi!"

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods....

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech o...

Jesus walks up to his favorite Starbucks’ counter and politely asks for a grande macchiato.

The barista, puzzled, inquires, “Why the new order?”

“I’ve been stuck on a tall Pike for a while.”




(An original by me.)

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Broken Mirror!

A customer walks into the glass shop..

He stated his mirror was broken.

His wife went into the bathroom and said

"Mirror Mirror on the Door, Make my Tit's a 44"

Next thing she knew her tit's were 44DD's!

So he thought why not. He went into the bathroom

"Mir...

Did you know that the queen is only a foot tall?

She's a ruler.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh?

Vegetables

How tall is the average diabetic person?

About as tall as the average person, minus two feet.

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"

The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"

The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them af...

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The dying man

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk.

Then I saw her through the window. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor.

She rolled her deep blue eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

We ki...

In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

How tall is a German with a cold?

Gesundheit!

People keep telling me I’m tall

I’m not that tall. I’m just 6’ 8”... two different measurements.

A four-foot tall fortune teller escaped from prison.

He was a small medium at large.

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

I prefer tall women

But sometimes they can be a little over my head

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2 men at an airport.

2 men at an airport. 1st man says,
"I can't find my wife." 2nd man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?" 1st man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?" 2nd man says, "Fuck her we'll look for yours.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I ...

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A biker ...

Walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger – 2.99

Cheeseburger – 3.99

Chicken Sandwich – 4.99

Hand Job – 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks ...

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High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed is full name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same g...

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

When Admiral Nelson died he was 5ft tall.

He now has a statue that is 15ft tall.
That's Horatio of 3:1

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

What's 300m tall and made of custard?

The Trifle Tower

(joke courtesy of my kids)

A butcher is 6ft tall, and wears size 10 shoes, what does he weigh?

Meat

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A woman goes in for a facelift

The doctor tells her, “We have a revolutionary new device that we install on the back of your neck. Whenever you feel that you need more lift, you turn the knob on the device and it will tighten your skin.”

The woman is ecstatic and gets the device installed. She has it for about 6 months an...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's ...

A frog walks into the bank and asks for a 30000 dollar loan for a holiday

The teller is confused but introduces herself "hi I'm Patricia Whack". The frog says "hi I'm Kermit Jagger, my Dad is Mick Jagger I know the manager it is all good".

Patty explains that he will need some collateral for the loan. Kermit produces a small porcelain elephant, pink, two inches ta...

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3 men meet at the top of a tall building with a wizard

The wizard said "If you jump off the building and say the name of an object, that object will appear beneath you."

The first guy, being the luckiest, jumps and yells "PILLOWS." Pillows appear beneath him and he lands on them safely.

The second guy jumps and yells "HAY." He lands safely...

A man is walking down the street when he hears a commotion behind a tall fence.

As he gets closer he hears that it’s a large group of people all shouting in unison, “12! 12! 12! 12!”
The man, getting very curious, spots a small hole in the fence and decides to take a peek to see what’s going on.
Right as he puts his face up to the fence someone jabs their finger out the ...

A Rabbi gets a message from God to travel and ...

Spread his message. So the Rabbi sets out on his donkey and after many day and nights he sees a signpost that says

"TRIDIA 100 miles"

The Rabbi had never heard of this place before so he decided to go there. As he got closer to the town he heard loud thumps in the distance. As he got ...

My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

Chewbacca was tall and strong.

If he had played sports, I'm sure he would have been Wookie of the Year!

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

My friend told me you can't interchangeably use the words high and tall, so I proved him wrong

"The taller you are, the easier it is to see things."

Guess how long it takes to jump off a tall building?

The rest of your life

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A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

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A man gets married...

...but just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, thi...

A guy is waiting for the bus in front of a mental institution

There is a tall wooden fence surrounding it. The man starts hearing a group of people on the other side of the fence yelling "14, 14, 14!" So he walks over and finds a small hole. When he ducks down to peek through, all of a sudden he gets poked in the eye.



The people on the other si...

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"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" a son asks his father.

The surprised father answers, “Well, sonny, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

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