If you are stupid, stand up!

Teacher: Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up.

After a while, Little Johnny stands up,


Teacher: Ah, so we have one stupid person among us.


Little Johnny: Actually, It broke my heart to see you standing there alone.

So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy

Well, no one's laughing now

Why must 8 always stand up?

If it lies down, it's forever.

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

*Doing a stand up gig for a charity for people in wheelchairs*

Opening line - "If this was a YouTube video the comments would be disabled"

Low iron deficiency gang STAND UP!

But not too fast.

My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy

He really cracks me up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Stand up comedy and Sex have in common?

If you haven't heard any noise in a while, change what you're doing.

Obese people need to stand up against fat shaming

For some reason though, they don't

I've decided to stand up to my upstairs neighbors.

After all, they've been walking over me since I moved in.

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

A Terrorist Tries Stand Up Comedy for the First Time...

Let's just say he was the bomb.

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

Three reasons to stand up:

1) To get the remote.

2) To go to the bathroom.

3) Because you're the real Slim Shady.

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Nobody stands up

Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

Little John stands up

Teacher: "Ohh, John you think you're stupid?"

Little John: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

A Russian stand up comedian was joking about the Putin.

Jokes were good. I liked the execution.

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

Why couldn't a bicycle stand up?

Because he was two tired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which Eddie Murphy stand up is Gordan Ramsey's favorite?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian and a father telling jokes about stationery?

One is bad at telling dick jokes.
The other is dad at telling Bic jokes.

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China?

Because it has a Taipei personality

“Aright; can we please have all the Micheal’s here tonight stand up?”

“And thank you, you may now have a seat,
That concludes our mic check.”

*Drops the mike’s*

“Good to see the trap doors are working; and that concludes our mic drop,”

I was practicing my stand up routine naked in the window the other day.

And the people outside were pointing and laughing and phoning their friends so, my jokes must be really good.

I just got fired as a mailman. I'm also a part time stand up.

I'm funny but have to work on my delivery.

(Credit to the top comment of a previous post, I forgot whom to deliver the credit to)

Why can't a turtle stand up?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

I went to a stand up about mountain climbing

I was skeptical at first but, I have to admit when the routine reached its peak there was some high level jokes

What do stand up comedians do when their legs get tired?

They do sit-coms

The only way to stop a bully is to stand up to them.

Trust me, I have bullied a *lot* of people.

I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.

Thanks arthritis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to do stand up comedy with former WWE Superstar Rikishi

He was the butt of all my jokes

ELI5 why is it that a kid can fall down a flight of stairs then get up and walk away just fine, but if I sleep wrong or stand up too fast I'm SOL for the whole day?

After some experimentation, turns out you just need a longer flight of stairs.

My dream is to be recognised as one of the best stand up comedian ever!

Shame I’m in a wheelchair

To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...

You must suffer from premature evacuation.

Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic

His new gig is just a little bit funny

My wife sang, "What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?"

I replied, "Evidently not."

Why does Alec Baldwin use his wife's stuff in stand up?

Because it's all Hilaria's.

What's the difference between Reddit and Stand Up?

On Reddit, the real jokes are made by the audience.

If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...

...said the teacher.

After a while, one student stood up.

"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"

"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

I'm surprised so many people stand up against vaccinating their kids.

I thought the Polio would have prevented that.

Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand up comedian?

Apparently it’s all about the delivery for some people...

A stand up comedian named Michael went to get his appendix removed. What did he call the night of his surgery?

Open Mike Night

I just watched a beautiful woman doing stand up comedy totally naked.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

How does Nancy Pelosi (5'5'') manage to stand up to Donald Trump (6'3'')?

It's called the art of the heel

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

A programmer wants to try stand up.

A programmer wants to try stand up. So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, yo...

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