Teacher: Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up.
After a while, Little Johnny stands up,
Teacher: Ah, so we have one stupid person among us.
Little Johnny: Actually, It broke my heart to see you standing there alone.
So drunk he can't stand up
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...
Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy
Well, no one's laughing now
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're sta...
I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian
I can stand up, now all I need is comedy
Obese people need to stand up against fat shaming
For some reason though, they don't
Low iron deficiency gang STAND UP!
But not too fast.
Whats the opposite of stand up comedy?
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians
Students start naming their favourite comedians.
Then one kid says : Joe Biden.
Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.
Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid. ...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
What does Stand up comedy and Sex have in common?
If you haven't heard any noise in a while, change what you're doing.
Why must 8 always stand up?
If it lies down, it's forever.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired!!
*Doing a stand up gig for a charity for people in wheelchairs*
Opening line - "If this was a YouTube video the comments would be disabled"
I've decided to stand up to my upstairs neighbors.
After all, they've been walking over me since I moved in.
My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy
He really cracks me up.
I went to a stand up about mountain climbing
I was skeptical at first but, I have to admit when the routine reached its peak there was some high level jokes
Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own?
They are two tired.
I was doing stand up comedy at my school's ceremony
They thought I was used as an example by the drug awareness campaign
Three reasons to stand up:
1) To get the remote.
2) To go to the bathroom.
3) Because you're the real Slim Shady.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up
I always see Himalayan there.
I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...
but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy
Told in a stand up act by a real woman comedian with a visible disability of cerebral palsy:
>I believe that you can do anything you want to do in life if you want it bad enough. That's why I'm going to be a brain surgeon!
Geri Jewell, comedian and actress
I just got fired as a mailman. I'm also a part time stand up.
I'm funny but have to work on my delivery.
(Credit to the top comment of a previous post, I forgot whom to deliver the credit to)
Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China?
Because it has a Taipei personality
I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...
So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interes...
I recently timed my current stand up routine and it's about 10 minutes long.
Why can't a turtle stand up?
Because of a reptile dysfunction.
A Terrorist Tries Stand Up Comedy for the First Time...
Let's just say he was the bomb.
Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic
His new gig is just a little bit funny
Stand up acts anyone?
So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel. I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.
However, while waiting...
My dream is to be recognised as one of the best stand up comedian ever!
Shame I’m in a wheelchair
What do stand up comedians do when their legs get tired?
They do sit-coms
My wife sang, "What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?"
I replied, "Evidently not."
Why does Alec Baldwin use his wife's stuff in stand up?
Because it's all Hilaria's.
To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...
You must suffer from premature evacuation.
I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.
But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.
What's the difference between Reddit and Stand Up?
On Reddit, the real jokes are made by the audience.
If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...
...said the teacher.
After a while, one student stood up.
"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand up comedian?
Apparently it’s all about the delivery for some people...
How does Nancy Pelosi (5'5'') manage to stand up to Donald Trump (6'3'')?
It's called the art of the heel
A stand up comedian named Michael went to get his appendix removed. What did he call the night of his surgery?
Open Mike Night
Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight
Did not go well.
I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.
He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”
I just watched a beautiful woman doing stand up comedy totally naked.
Never laughed so hard in my life.
What is the medical condition where your lizard can't stand up?
Where I work, they changed our work stations to those adjustable stand up desks
apparently I have to buy my own adjustable chair.
I'm surprised so many people stand up against vaccinating their kids.
I thought the Polio would have prevented that.
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.
One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
A programmer wants to try stand up.
A programmer wants to try stand up. So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, yo...