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Stand Up Jokes

If you are stupid, stand up!

Teacher: Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up.

After a while, Little Johnny stands up,


Teacher: Ah, so we have one stupid person among us.


Little Johnny: Actually, It broke my heart to see you standing there alone.

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're sta...

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy

Well, no one's laughing now

Why must 8 always stand up?

If it lies down, it's forever.

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

Low iron deficiency gang STAND UP!

But not too fast.

Three reasons to stand up:

1) To get the remote.

2) To go to the bathroom.

3) Because you're the real Slim Shady.

My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy

He really cracks me up.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

Because it was two-tired!

I love doing stand up comedy at the retirement homes.

And I know I'm really good because they laugh at the same jokes every week.

I've decided to stand up to my upstairs neighbors.

After all, they've been walking over me since I moved in.

An Irishman was So drunk he couldn't stand up!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

"If there are two idiots in the room, please stand up . . ."

The sarcastic teacher said this before surveying the room with a smarmy smile.

After a long silence, a lone student stands up in the middle of the classroom.

"I honestly didn't expect anyone to stand up. Mister, why do you consider yourself and an idiot?" The teacher asks this with a ...

Why can't the bicycle stand up on its own?

Because it's two tired.

I was asked how did you start your stand up comedy….

…well I started walking first

I tried stand up

My jokes didn't sit well.

I did my first stand up routine in Chernobyl last night

I got glowing reviews

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

Why do Horses stand up and stretch their legs as soon as they are born?

Because they’ve been running out of womb.

A skeleton did stand up.

His routine was quite humerus.

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

A Russian stand up comedian was joking about the Putin.

Jokes were good. I liked the execution.

Why does a reusable Christmas tree never stand up straight?

Because it just came out of the closet

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

Why can't a turtle stand up?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

A guy is at a talent show and says, “just to make sure everything is working, if your name is Michael please stand up”. Then, a couple of dudes stand up and he says,

“that concludes the mike check”.

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

A man walks up to the stage at a stand up night and tells the crowd about his long history of squatting.

After a few seconds of silence, he says “Thank you, I’ll be here all night! Don’t tell the owners though.”

You want to know the best part about being a stand up comic with a stutter?

For my eight minute slot, I only have to write 45 seconds worth of material.

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

How do you make a hot dog stand up?

You take away it’s chair

whenever I go to bed all I can do is stand up.

I wish I was lying.

People say I'm just an old drunk who can't stand up straight, let alone pay my debts.

But, joke is on them! My bank just notified me that I have "Outstanding Balance".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which Eddie Murphy stand up is Gordan Ramsey's favorite?

IT'S FUCKING RAW!

To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...

You must suffer from premature evacuation.

Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China?

Because it has a Taipei personality

I went to a stand up about mountain climbing

I was skeptical at first but, I have to admit when the routine reached its peak there was some high level jokes

Did you hear about the stand up with the banana's stand up act?

I heard it was a-peeling!

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

Wanna bully someone? Bully the wheelchair kids cuz they can’t stand up for themself!

This is a joke, don’t cancel me

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

What's the difference between Reddit and Stand Up?

On Reddit, the real jokes are made by the audience.

I just watched a beautiful woman doing stand up comedy totally naked.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

A programmer wants to try stand up.

A programmer wants to try stand up. So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, yo...

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