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Workers Jokes

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

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How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

Two IT workers get married...

At Thanksgiving, their family asks them, "When are you going to have children?"

Couple: "Don't worry, we are working on it. ;)"

Next Thanksgiving, the couple still don't have children and their family asks, "Is there a problem? I thought you were planning to have children?"

Coup...

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

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Three workers hired at the construction site

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian,

\- "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says,

\- "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man...

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?

Melancolleague(s)

A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in.

A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of meters and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying,...

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Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...

So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus

A Slovenian, American and German are bragging, who has the fastest workers …

German says, we start developing a brand new Mercedes in August, I can already drive my wife in it to Octoberfest.

American says, that is nothing, we start building a new rocket in June 20th, on July 4th is already on the way to Moon.

Slovenian says ha, rookies, we start building a new...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

The first one opens his lunch box and goes "Another tuna sandwich? I eat tuna sandwich every day. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I'm going to jump!". The second one opens his lunch box and also goes "Man, anoth...

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Male Sex Workers

They have a hard job.

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

What's an iron workers favorite ride at the fair?

The ferrous wheel.

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,

“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Sure enough, the manager te...

BREAKING News: Government declares Halloween a nationwide statutory holiday. All workers eligible.

For the first time ever, Halloween will be staffed by a skeleton crew!

Why do all the workers in the perfume factory look the same?

The managers cologne them.

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Two construction workers are working in a building.

One works on the first floor and the other works on the 2nd floor.

That day the construction worker on the first floor realized that he needed a handsaw, so he yells up to the second construction worker and said, "Hey Tim! I need a handsaw, can you please throw one down to me!?!"

Tim ...

Local grocery store checkout workers are ignorant, lazy, smelly …

That’s the last time I use the self-checkout lane

Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof.....

The first construction workers says, "I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof.

The second construction worker says, "If my wife packed ...

Why can't stone workers sleep at night?

They spend all day knapping.

My wife and I have come to the mutual agreement that we do not want children. And the judgement that is coming at us from family, friends, co-workers, it's just crazy.

And the kids aren't taking it very well either.

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The lack of workers is affecting everyone. Even the porn industry is having to hire guys with small cocks.

Talk about being “short staffed.”

The AMC theater workers weren't very happy with the deal made to end their labor strike

They had to make a lot of concessions.

The workers at the US (or any) Mint

Make more money than you do. Guaranteed.

The workers at Staples must have loved college

They write "college ruled" on all the notebooks

Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

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sex workers.

Three sex workers were talking, one was a high-priced call girl, one worked in a brothel and the last one worked the streets around the red-light district.

The call girl said, “when I get home, I count the money in my handbag, if I have more than £10,000, then I’ve had a good night.”

T...

Two oilfield workers from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas...

They went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.
 

The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.
 

The roughneck rolled down the window and *WHACK* - the trooper smacked him in t...

Co Workers are like Christmas lights...

They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

Two lawn workers were taking a break in the yard

From down the block they heard a familiar mournful tune coming from the local church.

"Guess there's a funeral in town today," one man said. "Wonder who died?"

The second man said "I'm not sure but usually it's the one in the coffin."

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?

Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations

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Two sex workers were on a street corner.

They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”

An old Soviet joke

A Soviet delegation visits an American car factory.

"Whose factory is that?" asks a Soviet visitor.

"It belongs to capitalist billionaire Henry Ford," answers the American guide.

"And whose are the hundreds of cars in the parking lot?" asks the visitor.

"They belong to th...

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Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...

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Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”?

Because they would loose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.

My friend went missing after he set out to summit Mount Everest

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

Workers at the International Earth Rotation Service have gone on strike.

This is going to be a long day.

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same...

What do you call a group of kitchen workers?

Heard.

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

Even construction workers are getting tired of endless road projects.

I saw them putting up a protest sign today that said "End Construction"!

Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers.

They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Sex workers only get paid if they make a sale.

It's a commissionary position.

3 construction workers on the Empire State Building are hanging lunch

The first guys opens his lunch box and finds his usual ham and cheese sandwich. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STUPID HAM AND CHEESE IM JUMPING OFF THIS BUILDING”

The second guy opens his lunch box and finds his usual BLT. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STU...

How many construction workers does it take to change a light bulb?

You need at least 4 people to figure out how to make this job last 3 months while the other 4 are on smoke break.

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

Why cant i differentiate between White Collar workers and Blue Collar workers?

Its because i am Collarblind

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

My friends and co workers treat me like a god

They only talk to me when they need something.

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Two morgue workers are talking...

They are telling stories about the people they've had on their table when one of them says: "I had a woman come in the other day and she had breasts like watermelons, man."

"Well, I had a woman come in the other day," the other one says, "and she had a clitoris like a lemon."

"What? Sh...

Two construction workers

Two construction workers are talking and one says, “I was gonna tell you a joke, but I’m still working on it.”

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

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