UPJOKE
workbusinesstaskemploymentvocationmoneyprofessioncareeremployerplacedutyemployworkplaceputhire

I got fired from my job today.

It started when I was looking for a job on a streets, and I found a hiring sign for a car wash that was asking for help from Sign Designers. I decided to apply and they accepted me! The Car Wash I was working for was offering wheel cleanings for $4 dollars for the weekend. So I was asked to make a s...

My friend lost both his jobs today

He was a driver for Amazon but also moonlighted as a stand up comedian. They both fired him for thr same reason too.

They said he needed to work on his delivery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Day Playing Golf

A husband loved to play golf, but he and his wife were so busy with their jobs and tending to the home and kids that he wasn’t able to go out very often.

After a really busy stretch for both of them, he just had to take a day on the links, so he struck a deal with his wife. He would go on the...

A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...

The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.

The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickna...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is masturbation like being a glove model?

They're both hand jobs.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men love blow jobs so much?

It's the only way to get inside of a womans head!!

Guy driving cross country

Stops in a small town for lunch.
Walks in a tiny restaurant, waitress is busy in the back, so he looks at the chalk board with daily specials.

It says: Sandwich 5 $
Handy 10$

A little confused, he calls the waitress over and asks:
Are you the one doing the hand...

Why did Steve Jobs name his company “Apple?”

Because he wanted his products to be beautiful and tantalizing, just like an apple.

Today, it’s widely recognized that Apple’s products are indeed both beautiful and tantalizing. You could say his company is appley named.

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

Rock, paper and scissors were fired as recruitment officers

They only gave hand jobs

What’s the biggest similarity between waitressing and prostitution?

Tips are a big part of both jobs

A lad knocked on the door of a beautiful large house.

He asked if there were any jobs that needed doing. The man said he would give him £50 to paint the porch. The lad agreed and took the paintbrush and tin of white gloss paint away. The man’s wife said “£50 – that’s far too little. Did he not see the porch goes half way round the house? It will take t...

I’m considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.

Happy cake day to me!

Could you imagine if Steve Jobs first name was blow

His current business model would suck.

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope

Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.