Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

What do Lucy from the Despicable Me franchise and a somebody playing Zork have in common?

They were both eaten by a Gru

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

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My son's teacher phoned today, "I've just caught your son having sex with Lucy Jones, I'm totally disgusted."

"So am I," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?"

Psychiatrist office: “My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.”

The psychiatrist thinks for a moment and says, “Sounds like you have analogy to Peanuts.”

Where did lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.

“Wow!” Lucy said. “I got Italy!”

“Interesting” exclaimed Linus. “I got Germany.”

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, “I got Iraq.”

Little girl in class crying, Teacher says what is wrong Lucy? Lucy replies I have peed my pants, Teacher asks why didn't you put your hand up?

Lucy replied, I did miss but it trickled through my fingers.

Mum asks Lucy what she wants for her birthday, Lucy replies I want a Barbie and a G.I Joe, mum says but Barbie comes with Ken.

No says Lucy, she comes with G.I Joe,

she fakes it with Ken.

I call my ex-wife Lucy...

It's short for Lucifer.

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

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Lucy is working on the fields

Lucy, a really hot girl, is working on the fields. Stevey walks by and starts talking to her.

'Gee, Lucy, you're smoking hot. I'd really love to touch your breasts.'

'Oiii, what do you think you're doing Stevey?!'

'Lucy, I'll give you $100 if you'll allow me to touch them!'
<...

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Little Lucy & Little Johnny

Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?"

When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, too...

So if Lucy died 3.2 million years ago after falling from a tree...

...does that qualify her for a Darwin award?

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner...

And all of them are happily sat there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

“Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his fingers on the table.

John is the first to speak up...

So i stole this joke from I Love Lucy, So a woman walks into a restaurant

The woman says to the waiter, "Two pork chops, and make them lean." And the waiter says, "Yes, ma'am. Which way?"

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

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So I was reading about the Lucy fossil in National Geographic the other day and I have to admit, she looks kinda sexy...

No homo tho.

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Timbuktu

The teacher told the class to make up a poem about Timbuktu, to recite in front of the class.

The first child recited hers:

"When I was lying in my bed

I dreamt of a ship with funnels red

A beautiful ship, its hull was blue

I think it was going to Timbuktu."
...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

A zoo has the most amazing gorilla specimen, but no mate for her...

They cannot find someone to satisfy this amazing female gorilla but cannot find any gorillas strong enough to withstand her.

Eventually they realize the janitor, Hank, is a very big, strong and hairy man. The zoo owner approaches him and says:
“Hey Hank, you know Lucy the gorilla? Woul...

An engineer dies and goes to hell

Lucifer : I don't get it, you weren't supposed to be here, maybe there's some mixup, hold on...."*calls God*"

God : Yo Lucy, wassup?

Lucifer : Was Mr. Rowan supposed to be here, I don't find him on the list.

God : Oh yeah, he was supposed to be here in heaven. Looks like Reaper ...

Little Johnny was in math class

The class was learning subtraction with big numbers today, and the teacher decided to use money as the unit of measurement. Johnny hadn't been paying much attention, so the teacher called on him, "Little Johnny, if you start with $1000 and gave $150 to Lucy, $150 to Suzy and $200 to Brittany, what w...

One Day, All the Children in Ms. Jennifer's Class Were Learning About Politics

Ms. Jennifer began the lesson, "We'll start with the liberal party. Liberals believe in equality for all and that everything should be fair."

Now, this sounded pretty grand to all the first graders, so when Ms. Jennifer asked, "Which of you are Liberals like me?" The result was nearly unanimo...

Three men had just died...

...and went to Hell. Lucifer happily gives them a tour before stopping beside a row of three doors. At the first door, the Devil bade the first person to enter, whilst asking, "If you had one wish for anything in the world, what would it be?" The first man immediately blurted, "I want an endless sup...

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

A housewife tells the maid.

\- Callie, you are fired!

\- Why, Miss Lucy?

\- Because your work is getting worse! The little you do is very poorly done! Now, take your money and get out of here!

The maid took the money, thanked the housewife and, before going out, took a 10 dollar bill and threw it at the do...

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In a catholic girsl school the teaching Nun asks the girls about their plans for the future...

Nun:"Susan, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susan:"I want to be a teacher, just like you!"
N: "Good, and what do you want to be Alice?"

Alice:"I want to be a doctor!"

N:"Very good! And you Lucy, what do you want to do?"
Lucy:"I want to become a Prostitute!"...

A husband tells his wife about the car crash he got into...

Husband: Hey, I got in a car crash today. I got hurt real bad, I broke my arm and fractured my wrist. I also sprained my ankle and the car nearly exploded! Luckily Lucy pulled me out of the car just before it exploded. I spent a couple days in hospital but I'm fine now.

Wife: Who's Lucy?

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Can you help out my friend?

A friend of mine has two tickets for the England v. Sweden football match this Saturday. He has already paid £800 for flights and accommodation. However, he was devastated the other day when he realised it clashes with his wedding and he won't be able to attend after all.

Would anyone be in...

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A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”

The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the mone...

Morality stories

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.<...

Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"

...

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One time there was two farmers

One time there was two farmers that lived out on the road to Plato, Missouri. They was always good friends, and Biil’s oldest boy had been a-charmin’ one of Sam’s daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty god damn mad. “Bill,” says he, “from...

A little old lady wants to buy a parrot.

So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots.

"Well I've just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he's picked up some nasty words. Why don't you come back next week." He said.

"No that's quite alright...

The nurse who kept getting it backwards

Man visits a friend in the hospital only to find the other patients in the ward looking a bit odd. "Lucy, what's going on with the other patients today?" said the man to his other half.

"Oh it's the new nurse" said Lucy, "She just keeps getting things the wrong way round! See that man over t...

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A young girl...

There once was a little girl named Lucy who loved to read, particularly fairy tales. Her mother was sweet and her father was a clown (literally). For a long time, the little girl would read these books of hers, and eventually came to the conclusion that trolls were her favorite creature of them all....

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My Dad sent me this email titled "Politically Correct Jokes"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend sa...

First time posting here. I always found this f$%#ed up, but hilarious.

Q: Why did Lucy fall off the monkey bars?

A: She's got no arms

Me: Knock Knock

Them: Whose there?

Me: Not Lucy.

Only at the sauna.

(translated from Russian.)

after the marriage Lucy asks her new husband:

Lucy: Darling now that we are married, Will you start drinking again?

James: Don't worry my love, I promise I will only drink on special occasions and at the sauna.

Lucy: Oh my, im so relived to hear...

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