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Theresa Jokes

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

A Union Steward goes to a brothel . . .

. . . and asks the Madam "Is this a union house?"

"No it's not" she replies.

"How much do the girls earn?" the union man asks.

"You pay me $500, the house gets $400 and the girl gets $100"

"That's crass exploitation!" the man yells and stomps out.

Eventually he fi...

Which car part would Mother Theresa be?

A Catholitic Converter

Mother Theresa goes to Heaven

Mother Theresa walks through the pearly gates and sees princes Diana. She asks the angel Gabriel..."Hey...I spent my whole life working to help others...why does Diana have a halo and I dont?" Gabriel answers..."That's not a halo...that's a steering wheel"

Too soon?

A man dies and arrives at Heaven

As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."

"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing....

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

Mother Theresa's assistant is incredible

Truly second to nun.

When Mother Theresa died

of course, she went to heaven. While there she notices Princess Diana is there also but she has a halo. This ticks Mother Theresa off. Finally she can't take it any more. She marches into Gods office, "God you know I dedicated my whole life to helping the poor and the sick, never caring about mysel...

Theresa May or Theresa May not be a Prime Minister in a couple of hours

I'll leave now

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Why is Theresa May so against Porn?

When she clearly loves fucking a whole country at once with the world watching.

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What do you call Mother Theresa's vagina?

A nunt.

Mother Theresa looks down into hell from heaven...

She sees them getting ready for dinner. It's a feast, beef Wellington, shrimp, twice baked potatoes, wine, champagne, and a million different desserts.

Just then God came by and asked, "Are you hungry? I'm making tuna fish sandwiches if you'd like one."

MT: "Um, ok, sure."

The ...

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mi...

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Theresa May walks into a bar.

The bartender groans, knowing she'll never fucking leave.

How does Theresa May change a Lightbulb?

She doesn't. She says Labour already screwed it up.

Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

What does Theresa May think U.K. stands for?

Not much

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

Theresa May to host new game show!

Neither Deal Nor No Deal

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

When I was a kid, I wanted to bang Mother Theresa

My friends were like "Ew! She's like a million years old...you're a seriously sick kid!"

And I was just like "Good! She doesn't seem to go for the healthy ones, anyway.".

How is Theresa May Like a Catholic Teen?

She's got no Plan B after she gets screwed.

I have a recurring wet dream about Theresa May

Where I'm drowning her in the Thames.

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?

She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

Creds to my friend for that one.

Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.

Theresa May's driver has an accident

Theresa May is touring Perthshire in the Prime Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Theresa in her usual raspy manner, says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out...

Why Did Jeremy Corbyn smile when Theresa May offered to resign?

He thought he was getting rid of something overdue-ish.

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Theresa May goes to see a sex therapist.

"Hello, Theresa. May I ask you a personal question?"

Theresa says, "Of course."

"Have you made love in the past two months?"

"No," replies Theresa. "But I've recently been fucked."

Mother Theresa did a lot of different things all over the world but consequently.....

She was a master of nun.

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If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

Q: Why can't Theresa May look herself in the mirror?

A: Because she has no reflection

A chemistry student was asked to explain if heaven or hell exists on a test...

The question was: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First...

What does Theresa May do with her old, out-of-style clothes?

She wears them.

Jose Mourinho has been brought in to help Theresa May with Brexit negotiations.

He made leaving Europe look so easy.

"Pity about your boys coming in fourth in the world Cup!" joked Trump to Theresa May.

"Yeah..." she replied. "Pity about your boys coming second in Vietnam. Oh, you weren't there, were you?"

Theresa May to put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. I think this is unfair...

They should be allowed to wear what they like.

Cheating For the Right Reasons

An old couple was having dinner one night when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Theresa, soon we’ll have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to ask you. In those 50 years, have you ever cheated on me?"

Theresa replied, "David, I ...

What do Theresa May and John Malkovich have in common?

They both played themselves.

To be fair Theresa May warned of a coalition of chaos propped up by extremist terrorist sympathisers

She just didn't say she'd be leading it

What are Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Theresa May doing in a room together?

...playing bridge.

Nuns waiting to go to heaven

There was a car crash, The accident included 2 nuns and mother Theresa.

When the nuns reach the golden gates, they were greeted but St Paul.

St Paul said "To enter heaven, I giving you 3 questions, if you get them right you can enter"

St Paul asked a question to the first nun ...

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell ...

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

Who knew naming a for-profit investment app after an anti-rich hero was just marketing.

I’m astounded, and am immediately switching to one called Mother Theresa.

Guess who may be out of a job tomorrow?

Theresa May....

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Two nuns are driving along, and suddenly a bat lands on the windshield.

The two nuns look at each other, frightened.

"Spray it with the wiper fluid," says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat doesn't move.

"Turn on the wipers, then," says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat still manages to cling on to the windshield.
...

What do you call a man nun?

Brother Theresa

Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

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Race

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing.

However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race.

To his surprise the donkey comes third. The he...

Did you hear about who went to DMX’s funeral?

There was Brenda, LaTisha (uh), Linda, Felicia (okay)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh)
Theresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn)
Cookie, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?)
Tonya, Dianne, Lori and Carla (okay)
Marina (uh) Selena (uh...

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.

"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.

"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."

Peter then gives some examples: "T...

Countries take on attributes of their ruler

For example, there's a king on every kingdom, an emperor rules an empire, and Theresa May is causing mayhem.

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the...

A man dies and goes to heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven.

While entering the golden gates, he sees Saint Peter, surrounded by ticking clocks.

The man asks ¨what are those clocks for?¨

Saint Peter replies ¨These are lie clocks, and every time a person tells a lie, they tick. For example Mother Theresa gav...

Teachers: “Procrastination is bad!”

Theresa May: “Hold my government”

Following yesterday's vote, the British PM officially changed her name

She now goes by the name of Theresa May Notbetheretomorrow

3 Nuns die in a car crash...

...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask ...

Bill Clinton Dies and Goes to Heaven...

Bill Clinton dies and is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets Bill with some warmth and a smile. Bill is a bit confused, but goes along with the warm welcome. Further adding to Bill's confusion is what seems to be an infinite wall of old clocks.

Bill asks, "Peter, wha...

Three nuns died in a fiery bus crash....

St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them to heaven. "Welcome, my dear sisters. We are glad to have you here, but unfortunately, we are having some issues with restructuring at the moment, so all souls that come here for the next week will be allowed to live a week in the life of a pe...

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Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus

The man sees a wall of clock and asks Jesus, “What are all those clocks for?”

Jesus replied, “These clocks are for representing how much lies a person has told.”

The man points at a broken clock, Jesus said, “That is Mother Theresa’s clock, it has not moved therefore she has never lied...

Three nuns die and go to heaven

When they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter says to them that heaven is too full at the moment and needs expanding. While they wait to get in, for all their good work St. Peter let’s them spend one day on earth as a person of their own choice.

The first nun picks mother Theresa because of th...

One day a man died, and went to heaven.

I’m heaven, the man saw Father Time, surrounded by billions of clocks.

“What are all these clocks for?” asked the man.

Father Time replied, “every time someone tells a lie, their clock goes forward a minute”.

He pulled out a clock that was at exactly 12:00.

“This clock...

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident.

3 Nuns were involved in a motor accident. They died and went to heaven. At st. Peters gate, they were told it wasn't their time to die, so they will be sent back to earth. As a reward for their good earthly deeds they will allowed to go back to earth as whom they want regardless of timeline.
1st ...

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World Leaders

President Macron, Theresa May and Angela Merkel meet for a summit at the North Sea.

Gazing over the water, May says, "We have a submarine that can stay underwater for 10 days."  Macron responds, "That's nothing, our submarines can stay underwater for 30 days!"  Merkel looks quite ashamed and ...

A man dies ...

A man dies. When he arrives at the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter is welcoming him. The saint started to walk him throug heavens, where he could eat, sleep, and all the other pleasures heaven has to offer. At one point, they reached a room full of clocks. Most of them were moving, but all on a differe...

A man dies and goes to Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven, he goes to the gates and meets St. Peter. He sees a wall of clocks and. Ask "what's with all the clocks? They all have different times" St. Peter replies "they represent people's lies. The more they lie, the more they turn." He looks around and sees a clock that never ...

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

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