UPJOKE
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Destruct Jokes

Did you hear about the narcissistic, self-destructive, cannibal?

He was full of himself.
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what is maximum self destruction?

when a leper gets an epileptic seizure
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How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?

A Lot.
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Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.
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Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property
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How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.
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*Destruction: 100*

Wife: I’m pregnant

Me: Hey pregnant, I’m dad

Wife: No you’re not
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What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands?

A massacre.
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A Destructive Relationship Ended

```

A friend once introduced us
I hardly even knew

The ties that seemed to bind us
Imperceptively grew

Eventually my body ached
I could only think your name

At 3am I lied awake
Longing for a change

You pulled me from
the ones I love
To...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Dad, why is destruction a form of creation?

Dad: Well son, you see, I destroyed your mom's pussy to create your ass.

Weapons of mass destruction

Reporter: Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?

USA: Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Reporter: Why did you attack Syria now?

USA: Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Reporter: Why didn't you attack North Korea then?
<...
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What's the key to destruction?

Anarchy.
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US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...
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The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.
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After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday

Everyone will be looking for windows.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby?

He was accused of wreckless driving.
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LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:


It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.


Edit* changed were to are
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What's angry, fluffy and destructive and gathers inside stringed instruments?

Violint
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What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.
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The Galactic Empire, after the destruction of the Death Star, has taken to bowling during the interim.

The Empire Strikes Back, they call it.
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What' the biggest threat to the Vatican?

Weapons of Mass destruction
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A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...
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A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...
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Factory arson

A factory producing frozen Chinese dumplings is reported to have suffered the worst case of arson in recent history, presumed to be the work of a disgruntled worker.

The police chief said he had never seen a case of such wonton destruction.
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The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.

All went well for the first couple of weeks, then one morning as the toilet committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said, "Last night the bear was taking a shit, and the toilet was out of paper...

I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.

Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.
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what was the emo robot diagnosed with?

self destructive behaviour
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What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

Activates its shelf destruct sequence.

I'll see myself out...
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Last night my friend trashed a Chinese restaurant...

Told him I was horrified by his wonton destruction
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What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?

MAST DESTRUCTION!!!

I'll ~~see~~ sea myself out...
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Whats the difference between going to war with China and eating at a Chinese restaurant?

Wanton destruction vs Wonton consumption
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I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.
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A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...
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I hear they are calling the riots yesterday 'The Capitol Blizzard'

Makes Sense....
They caused lots of destruction,
Was full of snowflakes,
And a whole lot of White.
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When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay

Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.
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Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.
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As a detective, I'd spent my entire career trying to decipher the code required to open a tamper-proof self-destructing brief case. When I finally cracked the code and looked inside all those years later, it was completely empty... I closed it and put it in my attic like all my other regrets.

It was an open and shut case.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a dildo with a nuke?

A weapon of ass destruction

A Terrorist goes to a psychiatrist

the psychiatrist diagnosed him with being self-destructive.
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What does George W Bush call his kitty cats?

Weapons of mice destruction
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I was going to post a joke about radical Islam...

but I feel that would be self-destructive
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A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...
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Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed?

Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen.
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My dad's puns are so bad, they could kill anyone who hears them.

He calls them his weapuns of mass destruction
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On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.

I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff illegal?"

The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.

Fe...

[OC] A genie grants a man his first two wishes, and the man was so upset with how the wishes turned out, that for his third wish, he wished that the genie would go to hell.

The genie arrives in hell, and the Devil is surprised. "We've never had a genie down here before!" the Devil exclaims.

The genie says, "Well, I guess you're my new master, would you care to make your first wish?"

The Devil gets very excited, and quickly replies, "YES! I've been dreamin...
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Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.
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A group of thugs barged into a chinese restaurant recently and smashed up all the dumplings...

Such pointless wonton destruction.
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Oh,no! Tom Smith gasped..

"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kep...

What's black and white and red all over?

A destructive ideology.
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New name for weight loss pills

Pills of mass destruction!
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I just tore a dumpling in half

It was wonton destruction
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TBT to Saddam

Saddam calls George in the middle of night and says he just had a terrible dream. He saw America on fire, dead people everywhere, the Sun blocked by smoke...

George Bush: "You Iraqis are always about wars and destruction. I also had a dream about Baghdad, but I dreamed streets full of festiv...

What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner?

The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.
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At Heathrow Airport today...

An individual claiming to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra crime syndicate and charged him with carrying weapons of math destructio...
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Beware

CORONA VIRUS WARNING!!!!

I don't want to alarm anyone but the coronavirus will soon spread in an irreversible way.
The first means of contamination are bank notes, don't touch them. Wear gloves and place all notes in a snap lock bag. Leave them in your letterbox and message me your address...
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MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...
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A nun was brought to the hospital in agony

Her sisters said they had found her writhing in pain on the floor clutching her crotch naked. She was supposedly getting dressed. The young nun was sedated and given morphine but refused to talk about what happened. Finally the mother superior was brought in and given privacy with the girl to ext...
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I destroyed a bag of leftover Chinese food

It was an act of won ton destruction.
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What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder Destruction.

I swear this joke is funnier in person.
Try it, trust me.
Panty dropper for sure.
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The TSA just announced they're banning erasers on flights.

They're capable of math destruction.
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A Polish man moves to Korea and tries to find work

He looks for work everywhere but can’t find any, until after thorough searching he lands an interview at a car dealership. The man is interviewed by the boss, who not only has a poor grasp on English, but he also seems to have a very hard time getting his name right. The man tries to explain his nam...
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How did the musician destroy the church?

By using instruments of mass-destruction
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I can never understand why Xenophobia is considered ignorant...

Given their immense potential for death and destruction, I personally find the fear of Xenomorphs to be perfectly sensible.
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