My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil...

...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.

I sharpened my pencil...

...just to make a point.

I was going to try to post a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...

But I couldn’t see the point.

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?

By shaving with them.

What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?

Broken

The pencil sharpeners at my school are racist.

They have signs next to them that say “No Colored Pencils”.

I was going to sharpen my pencil to take my test on nihilism..

But there was no point

"Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?"

"Shuriken"

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

When it comes to sharpening pencils,

there's never a dull moment.

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

I need a pencil sharpener.

Just to put it bluntly.

What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?

Me. Ow.

A Nihilist tries to sharpen a pencil

No punchline because we all die eventually, and in 100 years 99% of us will be forgotten. There is no point to life. Comedy is just a distraction from our eventual deaths in which we turn into a shriveled decomposing lifeless corpse, left to accumulate mould and simply vanish. If there is anything f...

There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

If I put a cheddar cheese stick in a pencil sharpener

Will it come out sharp or shredded?

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lke.One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The ni...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

Stop going in circles and get to the point.

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money?

In a shavings account.

Why is the sharpener always invited to the pencil case debates?

He always makes a good point and the pencils tend to very blunt when he's not around.

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

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Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.


The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

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Larry got the new Secretary

**Garry:** Your New Secretary is very Sexy....

**Larry:** Thanks! she is actually a Robot, Named Doreen, if you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. Will Work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no de...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

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My friend walks into my room.

Looks at my lady humanoid robot and says, "Hey can I borrow her for the weekend?"

Confused I say yes.

The next week I go to meet him in the ICU, he looks at me with bloody eyes and says, "Why didnt you tell me the hole between her legs was a sharpener!?"

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

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A man from the back woods took his 12-year-old son deer hunting.

They came to a clearing, and the man pointed to a tree stump. "You go set yerself down on that tree stump. Don't move unless you see a deer. I'm going into the woods and try to scare one your way."

The boy eagerly agreed and plumped down on the tree stump.

After a while of wandering...

The man who invented cats’ eyes...

The man who invented cats’ eyes to make the roads safer at night got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights.

If the cat had been going the other way, he would’ve invented the pencil sharpener.

Man to Friend : "Yesterday, i found my wife with another man in bed."

Friend : "What did you do?"

Man : "I went angrily to the kitchen to find a knife. When i found one, i sharpened it carefully. I ran fast to the refrigerator to get lemons and used the knife to cut the lemon and make lemonade for me."

Friend : "What about the man?"

Man : "Of cour...

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A man walks into a barber shop

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hot...

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A sadist takes a masochist to his dungeon

He cuffs the masochist to the wall, blindfolds him, and asks him a minute to test the quality of his equipment.

He starts whiping the air, to check his whip's durability. He realizes it's fine. He then proceeds to sharpening his knives, until they cut perfectly. After that, he moves the cogs ...

What do my existence and an unsharpened pencil have in common?

They're both dull and pointless.

[ORIGINAL JOKE] A secretary is like...

a pencil sharpener, you can't really say it's yours until you screw it on your desk.

Chimp in the tree

A man wakes up in the morning and draws the courtains only to see that there is a chimp in the tree in his front garden. After a quick research in the internet he calls a company that is specialized in removing animals from places where they should not be. After five minutes a man in a pick-up truck...

Interrogation...

Suspect: I ain't talking

Cop: [sharpens knife] we have other ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

Suspect: can I have some

Cop: cake is for the talkers

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On the Sixth Day, God created Man

A little later, Adam and Steve approached God in the garden.

"Hey God," said Adam.

"Adam, Steve, you've been doing a good job naming the animals. I am particularly fond of 'hippopotamus.'"

"The unicornth are my favorite!" Steve added.

"Actually, we're here about a possib...

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

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A man walks into Radio Shack and sees that they have "The All In One Female Office Bot" now for sale!

The man walks up to the counter and asks the employee, "what is so special about that robot?"

"She is an all in one. If you squeeze her left breast, she will write down anything that you say and if you squeeze the right breast, she will type anything for you." the employee states.

"I'l...

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Mary has trouble staying awake in Sunday School...

Mary has trouble staying awake in Sunday School, and she's sick of getting in trouble with the Sister who teaches it, so she gets her best friend to sit behind her in class and try to keep her from getting caught.

She attends class, and sure enough, 10 minutes in she's out cold at her desk. T...

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A male manager is assigned a state of the art, hot female looking robot secretary for the office...

...As he's being trained on the many features it has, he's told the robot will basically do anything he wants. He asks, anything? The installers reply, anything ;) and once they were done, they went onto other offices in the building to install more robots.

The manager instantly locks the doo...

Native American Chief and his 3 sons

One evening, a Native American chief sat down to eat dinner with his wife and three sons. The youngest son, asked his dad how he was named because his friend, Sharp Spear, told him that his name came from what his dad is known for- sharpening spears for the village men. The chief looked at his son, ...

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Just a joke my grandpa told me.

So Jimmy is in class and he walks up to the pencil sharpener and looks out the window. He sees two bowlegged gentlemen and yells, "Hey check out these two funny-looking assholes!" The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him to read two chapters of Shakespeare. The next day Jimmy sees the sam...

What would Game of Thrones be called if it was about ice cream?

Game of Cones

If it was about sword sharpening: Game of Hones

If it was just everyone playing Go: Game of Stones

If everyone was single: Game of Alones

If it was about balls: Game of Throwns

If it was about spooky scary skeletons: Game of Bones

If everyone u...

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