Sharpen Jokes - 53 Hilarious Sharpen Jokes

"Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?"

"Shuriken"

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...

I gave up trying to sharpen my two-dollar knife.

I just couldn’t see the point.

three brainteasers to sharpen your mind

**Q1 : how do you put an elephant in a refrigerator in three steps ?**

Answer :

1. you open the refrigerator
2. you put the elephant in
3. you close the refrigerator

**Q2 : how do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator in four steps ?** ...

What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

Without you, my life would be pointless.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?

By shaving with them.

I sharpened my pencil...

...just to make a point.

What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?

Broken

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

Pencils that aren't sharpened are ...

Pointless.

My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil...

...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.

I was going to try to post a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...

But I couldn’t see the point.

I need a pencil sharpener.

Just to put it bluntly.

The pencil sharpeners at my school are racist.

They have signs next to them that say “No Colored Pencils”.

I was going to sharpen my pencil to take my test on nihilism..

But there was no point

When it comes to sharpening pencils,

there's never a dull moment.

A Nihilist tries to sharpen a pencil

No punchline because we all die eventually, and in 100 years 99% of us will be forgotten. There is no point to life. Comedy is just a distraction from our eventual deaths in which we turn into a shriveled decomposing lifeless corpse, left to accumulate mould and simply vanish. If there is anything f...

What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?

Me. Ow.

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

Thank you, pencil sharpeners!

For always making a good point.

What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

Stop going in circles and get to the point.

Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money?

In a shavings account.

If I put a cheddar cheese stick in a pencil sharpener

Will it come out sharp or shredded?

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

Took my Bowie knife to the blacksmith to get sharpened, when he saw it he said he hadn't seen one in while...

...I could tell he was really excited because he got a huge honer.

There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

Man: I took my dog to the vet today, because it bit my wife.

Friend : Did you have it put down?

Man: No. Of course not. I had it's teeth sharpened.

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

The man who invented cats’ eyes...

The man who invented cats’ eyes to make the roads safer at night got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights.

If the cat had been going the other way, he would’ve invented the pencil sharpener.

Why is the sharpener always invited to the pencil case debates?

He always makes a good point and the pencils tend to very blunt when he's not around.

what are you doing after this?

A few decades ago, a man walked into a barber shop and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please."

As it was in those days, the barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge.

However, instead of the usual child or assistant, a gorgeous woman kneels down and shi...

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Should've told him

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."

Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."

Next day Peter call...

[ORIGINAL JOKE] A secretary is like...

a pencil sharpener, you can't really say it's yours until you screw it on your desk.

My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...

...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."

Interrogation...

Suspect: I ain't talking

Cop: [sharpens knife] we have other ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

Suspect: can I have some

Cop: cake is for the talkers

Man to Friend : "Yesterday, i found my wife with another man in bed."

Friend : "What did you do?"

Man : "I went angrily to the kitchen to find a knife. When i found one, i sharpened it carefully. I ran fast to the refrigerator to get lemons and used the knife to cut the lemon and make lemonade for me."

Friend : "What about the man?"

Man : "Of cour...

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Just a joke my grandpa told me.

So Jimmy is in class and he walks up to the pencil sharpener and looks out the window. He sees two bowlegged gentlemen and yells, "Hey check out these two funny-looking assholes!" The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him to read two chapters of Shakespeare. The next day Jimmy sees the sam...

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

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A man walks into Radio Shack and sees that they have "The All In One Female Office Bot" now for sale!

The man walks up to the counter and asks the employee, "what is so special about that robot?"

"She is an all in one. If you squeeze her left breast, she will write down anything that you say and if you squeeze the right breast, she will type anything for you." the employee states.

"I'l...

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A sadist takes a masochist to his dungeon

He cuffs the masochist to the wall, blindfolds him, and asks him a minute to test the quality of his equipment.

He starts whiping the air, to check his whip's durability. He realizes it's fine. He then proceeds to sharpening his knives, until they cut perfectly. After that, he moves the cogs ...

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Mary has trouble staying awake in Sunday School...

Mary has trouble staying awake in Sunday School, and she's sick of getting in trouble with the Sister who teaches it, so she gets her best friend to sit behind her in class and try to keep her from getting caught.

She attends class, and sure enough, 10 minutes in she's out cold at her desk. T...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

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A male manager is assigned a state of the art, hot female looking robot secretary for the office...

...As he's being trained on the many features it has, he's told the robot will basically do anything he wants. He asks, anything? The installers reply, anything ;) and once they were done, they went onto other offices in the building to install more robots.

The manager instantly locks the doo...

Chimp in the tree

A man wakes up in the morning and draws the courtains only to see that there is a chimp in the tree in his front garden. After a quick research in the internet he calls a company that is specialized in removing animals from places where they should not be. After five minutes a man in a pick-up truck...

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Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.

The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

Two cellmates in an asylum decide to escape

So they wait until midnight, when everyone is asleep, and start. They grab their bedsheets and tie them end-to-end to make a rope. Soon, though, they realize that they're on the top floor, and that they wouldn't have enough rope to climb down to the ground. Then, one of them gets an idea. He says "H...

Native American Chief and his 3 sons

One evening, a Native American chief sat down to eat dinner with his wife and three sons. The youngest son, asked his dad how he was named because his friend, Sharp Spear, told him that his name came from what his dad is known for- sharpening spears for the village men. The chief looked at his son, ...

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On the Sixth Day, God created Man

A little later, Adam and Steve approached God in the garden.

"Hey God," said Adam.

"Adam, Steve, you've been doing a good job naming the animals. I am particularly fond of 'hippopotamus.'"

"The unicornth are my favorite!" Steve added.

"Actually, we're here about a possib...

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

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