UPJOKE
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I have a friend who writes lyrics about sewing machines

She is a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams

They'll keep you bobbin your head.

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All Shapes & Sizes

A Woman goes to her gynocologist:

"What Seams to be the problem" asks the Doctor,

The woman says "theres something terribly wrong, i keep finding postage stamps from costa rica in my Vagina!! "

The Doctor Chuckles & Says " Those aren't postage stamps, they're the stickers of...

Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, lo...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?

You seamstressed.

I fell over at work and hurt my arm

I have a build up of fluid in my carpal tunnels. I’ve been to the Physio and he has given me exercises to do, including holding my hand in a certain position but it doesn’t seam to be helping.

The Wrist Cyst Stance is Futile.

I understand and support the Women's National Republican Club's concerns about getting the Covid-19 Shot....

To many of us it seams like a simple task, you go in, they jab you with a little needle and 1 second later its out and your done.

But think of it from a Republican Woman's point of view. That little needle is twice the size of anything that has ever poked her before and is going to be in her ...

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

A man decides to buy a parrot

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.

The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000."

Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high pri...

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

I got a C- for my high school sewing project. The teacher's only comment was....

Seams reasonable.

Why is it called an inseam?

Because they can't call it a seam-in

Today is National Tailor's Day...

... Or sow it seams

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

How did you pick your tailor?

“He just seamed right”

What did the seamstress say to the other seamstress who looked upset?

What seams to be the problem?

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

Why did the seamstress keep getting knocked up?

She kept getting confused when her customers said they wanted her to take the seam in.

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Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to...

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My English teacher says it's impossible to make a sentence using only nouns...

Boy, eye gist dew naught sea whey awl teachers seam two inn cyst tits knot rite. We half sum examples. Dew ewe? Lettuce snow.

It request

Can someone put in an IT request to reboot the reality server. This one seams to be not working very well. Viruses and overheating and stuff.

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

A friend of mine asked if it is possible to repair a torn wetsuit.

It seams sew.

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

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Old man goes to the doctor

The man tell the doctor :” every morning at 8 am I take a shit”

Doctor :” ok that’s good and regular , what seams to be the problem? “

Man :” well I never wake up before 9am”

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

What did the outfitter say to the other outfitter who had a bad day?

you seam-stressed

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

How can you tell if a sewing machine is trustworthy?

If it seams legit

I think my wife's sewing machine is on the blink.

I'm not sure what's wrong, it just doesn't seam right.

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A man gets a job with a tailor

The man, let’s call him Bob, was very hard working but a little inept. His boss decided to have him sew shirts to start.

He would always end up making one sleeve longer than the other.

Sometimes he would mess up a cuff.

He could never get the seams and buttons straight either....

I think I can fix one of your ripped shirts.

Well sew it seams anyway.

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