Bound Jokes - 74 Hilarious Bound Jokes

Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.

Now it’s not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.

Communism was bound to fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

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A man takes his wheelchair-bound girlfriend down to the riverbank

After laying on the grass and talking, he asks: "have you ever been cuddled"?
"no" she smiles, and they cuddle.
Twenty minutes later, he asks: "have you ever been snogged?"
Again, she smiles, "no", and they passionately kiss.
It's going well and trying his luck, he whispers: "have you...

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.

We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we’re discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.

As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to s...

My wheelchair bound girlfriend broke up with me.

I think it was because she couldn’t stand me.

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids ar...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.

The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

What's out-of-bounds?

An exhausted kangaroo.

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A blonde woman is in a plane bound for Toronto...

...when the pilot says over the speakers- *Ping*! "You are now free to move about the cabin." The blonde calmly gets up from her seat in second class, strolls over to an empty seat in first class, and promptly gets herself situated.

One of the newer flight attendants notices this, so, natural...

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What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above

The changes with NASCAR were bound to happen......

They've been turning left for years.

My wheelchair-bound friend said he wanted to run for president.

Guess he’ll just be sitting for president.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage..

At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs. Suddenly, the man yells at th...

How do you transport an organism with a membrane bound nucleus?

Eukary-it

Why did the golfers wife call for help when he hit the ball out of bounds?

Because he stroked out!

My friends attitude changed ever since he was left wheelchair bound

He used to be a stand-up guy

"So how'd the blind date go?" I asked my wheelchair-bound friend.

"Awful," he said. "She just walked into the restaurant, lifted me out of my chair, propped me against the table, and left."

"Aw, man, that ," I said. "I can't believe she stood you up."

What do you call a ditch that has had accidents leading to making people wheelchair bound?

A crippling depression

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

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So a blonde gets on a plane bound for NYC...

And sits down in the first class section. The guy whose seat she had taken, he goes up and tells the flight attendant there's someone in his seat. So the flight attendant goes over and says

"Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to go to your proper seat"

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, ...

What do you call a frog making leaps and bounds?

Frogress

(just made this up)

I asked my wheelchair bound friend if he ever got tired of getting pushed around all the time

He said “Not really, I usually just roll with it.”

What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

A recent accident has left me wheelchair bound. I'm a burden to my family and my morning bathroom routine is torture...

I can't stand to look at myself.

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This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

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After my mother passed away, my wife & I decided that the best care for my wheelchair bound father was to move him into a nursing home.

After touring several, Dad finally agreed on one he seemed quite pleased with, but after only a week he called and wanted to leave ASAP.

"But why Dad?," I asked. "When you first got here, you acted as though you really loved the place."

"They're just too damn controlling."

""Wha...

A rookie cop is being trained by his sergeant

Unfortunately it's a pretty slow day. Finally the sergeant says "Okay, here's a hint. Pick a car and just follow him around. Before long he's bound to make a mistake, and you can pull him over for that." So the sergeant selects a car, and starts following it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't wor...

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A woman marries a lawyer

During the wedding night, she says to her husband:

- I have a confession to make. I am still a virgin.

- How is that possible? You have been married 3 more times.

- Well, my first husband was a politician. He kept describing how grand the act would be, but never actually did i...

Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He cont...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was th...

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My second-favorite golf joke

So a twosome tees off. Bob hits his ball right into a lake. Fred says, "You're out of bounds; better hit another." Bob says, "don't worry. Look."

Fred watches, astonished, as the ball pops to the surface and rows to shore. The ball hops out of the lake and rolls onto the grass.

So Bo...

A man walks into a library. “Where are your books on ?”

The librarian does not look up from her reference book. “I’m sorry sir, they are still being bound.”

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”. “40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”

“I know” says Bob. “I rounded them up”

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

Man is like spider...

..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm sorry your first name is Whom but with a last name like Concern, your parents were bound to name you that.

A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I have got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?

I have managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she is bound to find out sooner or later that my ...

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Doctors and nurses

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about at that age."

"Curious about ?" replie...

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

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Confussedcius Say Compilation

Confussedcius Say man who make mistake in elevator is wrong on many levels

Confussedcius Say man who drop watch in toilet bound to have time

build man a fire warm for rest of his day, set man on fire is warm for rest of his life

Confussedcius Say man is like spider, bound...

Confucius Say:

Man who drive like hell,bound to get there.

Did you hear about the US Marine in Vietnam who was left behind while stuck on the toilet?

He was duty bound.

A Bishop and his plumber played golf

The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " Goddamn it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " Goddamn it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came an...

3 people are interviewing for a job at the CIA

All 3 have interviewed and performed extremely well and it's time for their final test. They arrive and see a door leading into a sound proof room.

"Enter the room, read the note card, and carry out your orders" the interviewing agent says.

The first applicant enters the room, closes t...

A shepherd looks over at his flock of sheep in the pasture.

The day is ending soon, and he has to herd the sheep into their pen for the night. The shepherd calls for his trusty sheepdog and asks it to get the job done.

"Right away, sir," says the sheepdog.

10 minutes later, and the shepherd glances out his window to see the sheep safely in thei...

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Nun Joke

A young women decides to become a nun and join a very strict convent. The nuns have to take a vow of silence, but they are allowed to speak 2 words every 10 years.

Ten years goes by and the woman is brought before Mother Superior and allowed her first two words. She says "Work hard!"

...

I like my men like I like my books:

Well read and bound in leather.

I made this Doctor Who joke myself.

A doctor who isn’t bound by the causal nature of linear joke telling!

(Wait for it.)

Knock knock...

Drinking an entire bottle of wine in under an hour is a lot like entrusting a secret to a unreliable person;

It's bound to come up sooner or later!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starting a pest control business

It's bound to be successful, since he's an Ex-Terminator.

A couple months ago, my girlfriend and I started experimenting with . I was quite into it, but I could see she wasn't having fun herself. But we kept at it and now I think she's really starting to enjoy it.

She was bound to like it eventually

Reddit and Fencing have something in common

There's bound to be a riposte

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

Whats the advantage of marrying your shoe?

You're bound to find some solace

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A slip of the tongue

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy say...

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Coffee drinkers have more frequently than non-coffee drinkers.

But I guess that's bound to be the case when you're awake nineteen hours a day.

Quick thinking

A beautiful young woman wearing a revealing black dress and a sharp-dressed middle-aged man were sitting across from one another in an exclusive, high-end New York City restaurant; long white tablecloths and perfectly arranged place settings with one small white candle burning brightly in the center...

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Bob is driving home when he sees a sign; "Talking dog for sale"...

...wondering if he's read it correctly, he pulls over and gets out to read it again. Sure enough, it says "Talking dog for sale", and having nowhere to be decides to go in.

Bob knocks on the door, and well dressed man answers; "Yes?". "I'm here about the 'talking dog'. What does he say; 'Roo...

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Mary's mom goes to see Little Jimmy's mom...

"I want you to keep your son away from my pecious daughter" complains Mary's mom

"Oh no what's he done now?" Little Jimmy's mom replies

"I caught him playing Doctors and Nurses with my Mary"

"Well they're bound to be curious about at that age."

"Curious about ?!?" ...

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Children are like testicles.

If anyone hurts mine then I'm bound to cry.

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Confucius Say: He who drop watch in toilet...

Bound to have time.

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.

"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.

"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."

Peter then gives some examples: "T...

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

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My dad's favorite joke that he created

Warning: this joke is not good in any way

Three men go on a walkabout vacation in the outback of Australia. They have never been to the continent, and unknowingly tresspassed on aboriginal grounds.

Towards dusk, they are ambushed and kidnapped by aborigines. They are taken back to thie...

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

So I saw a kid getting bullied at my school today...

I would've stood up for him, but I'm bound to a wheelchair.

After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study.

It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title “TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE”.
When we opened it, all it contained was gran’s phone number.

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A Japanese contractor at a US company

He works alongside the other staff but he stays kinda reserved and by himself, doesn't mingle, doesn't talk much, apologizes profusely all the time and at the end he stands in front of the others and asks them for a moment of their attention, with a bowed head and deep regret in his voice.

"M...

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The business man who moved to []

A high powered business man moved to the mountains to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life.

For months the only person he saw was the man who delivers his mail.

After 8 months there came a strange knock on the door, when he opens the door, there stood a giant man with a hu...

What do you call a kangaroo that's exhausted from trespassing?

Out of bounds.

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

With all these reposts on r/Jokes...

Someone's bound to have reddit all!

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