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Ridge Jokes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are on a ridge

And the lone ranger says: "Tonto! There's Indians to the North! And Indians to the West, Indians to the East and Indians to the South! What are we going to do?"

And Tonto goes: "What do you mean we, white man?"

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A Russian Cossack, an American Cowboy, and a Mexican Bandito are sitting on a ridge getting drunk at their camp.

After some merriment, the Cossack rises to his feet, throws his bottle of vodka into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots it and says "Ah, we have too much of that in my country anyway." The Bandito looks at the bottle of tequila in his hand, then throws it, pulls his pistol, shoots it out of th...

A Swiss mountain guide gives his tourists the final instructions on how to behave when climbing the Matterhorn.

"So when crossing from the summit ridge to the Hörnligrat, you have to take good care that you don't slip. If a mishap should still happen to you, then do not miss to look sharply to the left after 100 metres of free fall. There you have a fantastic view of the Dufour peak".

Two girls are talking.

\- So, - the first one asks. - How did your last date go?

Oh, you won't believe it. He turned out to be such an egoist!

\- Really? What did he do?

\- Well, he had a condom with all these bumps, ridges, prongs...

\- Then how come you are calling him an egoist?

\- He...

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

During the Russo-Finnish War...

During the Russo-Finnish War, a Russian general was marching his army through Finland. As they passed a ridge, he heard a voice call out from the other side:

“One Finn is worth 10 Russians!”

So he takes his 10 best soldiers and sends them over the ridge. After a minute of shooting, the...

God Will Save Me

A man of faith hears on the radio there's going to be flooding. He shrugs at thradio and says, "God will take care of me."

He wakes up the next day and the first floor of his house is flooded.. as the water rises, he climbs up into the roof.

A guy floats by in a canoe and s...

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

Two guys are playing a round of golf

They’re on the green of one hole just over a hill when they hear a crack from the fairway behind them. A ball sails over the ridge and lands near the two golfers. One says to the other,
“Hey I’ve got an idea. Let’s put the ball in the hole and give the guy a hole in one.”
So they take the b...

A Russian platoon is hiking through the wood...

...when suddenly the point man drops dead from a bullet through his head. The Commander orders the platoon to halt and take cover, when they hear a voice echo through the forest from behind a nearby ridge.

"1 Finnish sniper is worth 5 Russian soldiers!"

Stunned by this ridiculous claim...

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Three men are climbing a mountain...

Three men are climbing a mountain. As they are going over a particularly narrow and dangerous path a strong wind gust blows them over the mountain ridge and they start falling in a deep canyon.

Luckily on the way down the first man manages to grab a branch of a small tree growing from the sid...

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A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

True story.

Here is a story my dad shared with me before he passed away.

In the '30's, mail was often delivered by a silver fixed landing gear airplane to the Walnut Ridge airport. My dad and his dad was out plowing the cotton field with their only mule. A silver plane flew lazily overhead which caught...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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3 Nuns

Are lost in the desert. Exhaustion, thirst and hunger are setting in. Out of supplies and options, Sister Mary prays to the Lord.

The Lord replies "March on my children, over the next ridge you will find a gift, when you have found it pray again."

Sure enough over the next ridge is an ...

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Three cowboys are out on the range (long).

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour...

Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting. Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away. Taking careful ...

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Welcome to the neighborhood

A fella working on Wall St. decides he has had enough of the rat race. He's made a lot of money, so he buys himself a piece of land way out in the boonies where his nearest neighbors will be miles away.

He's been living out there for a couple weeks, fixing up the old house and generally enjo...

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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

In the 1930s, a guy joins the French Foreign Legion.

He's stationed in the middle of the desert in Algeria. After about 6 months there, he approaches his Sargent and says, "You know, I've been here 6 months and I was wondering . . . What do we do for female companionship?"

The Sarge replies, "About every 8 months a wild herd of camels passes th...

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Neighborly visit

Sam has been in sales for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Alabama as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


After six months or so ...

Something's Not Kosher Here

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree.

The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"...

These two old boys, Levi and Cleetus, decided to go hunting.

Well, their hunt took them two or three ridges from home and before they knew it they had gotten themselves good and lost. After spending half the day trying to figure out which way was home, Levi, being the brighter of the two, says to his hunting companion, "Cleetus, I seem to recollect that if a ...

Jimbo and Jon, two cowboys see a wanted poster for Indian scalps...

The poster says there will be a fifty dollar reward for each scalp brought back. So Jimbo and Jon decide to try and make some money.

They get supplies together and head straight into Apache territory hoping to find a couple unsuspecting Indians. The first day they manage to sneak up on one an...

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A cowboy was riding his horse through the desert...

He rides over a ridge and sees a native american Indian brave laying on the ground with an erection pointing straight up in the air. The stunned cowboy asked "Woah there chief, what in the hell are you doin' just layin' there with your boner sticking up"? The brave relied "Me tellum time". The cow...

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert...

Juan and Pedro running from the policía soon became lost in the desert for weeks, despite plenty of water, they were out of food!
With the sun beating down on them, things were looking grim...
"Juan, if we no find food soon we'll starve!"
"Si Pedro, the hunger hurts too much...!"
"Oh Ju...

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

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A man decides to give up corporate life and move to cabin deep in the woods...

For a few months he lets go of the stress of the big city, chops his own fire wood, grows his own vegetables and enjoys the natural splendor of his surroundings.

Then one day he hears a knock on his cabin door and finds a huge, hairy, gristled old lumber jack standing on his porch.

"...

Best hunting trip ever

Leroy, Clem and Earl were spending a long weekend deer hunting. They got far out into the woods and had a disagreement about where they would hunt. Finally Leroy tells Clem and Earl, "Well I got a cabin over yonder on that ridge so why don't you guys go where you want, I'll stay around my cabin and ...

So a young man joins the army..

So a young man joins the army, it was his life plan since he was little because his grandfather and father before him both served. He felt like it was his duty to carry on the family tradition.

So after he joins he goes through all his basic training and testing. A few months later he is bein...

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