Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job.

The mechanic gapes at the man for a few seconds and then asks, "What did you say?"

"A rim job!" says the man. "My buddy knows all about cars and he took one look at my wheels and said I desperately needed a rim job."

Real...

Taped 4 pictures of Matthew Broderick to each of my rims.

Now I have Ferris Wheels.

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The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

I gave my rims and tires to a friend and he sold them.

He’s a wheeler-dealer.

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What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tss* and the other is da bum kiss.

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I was going to make a joke about rim jobs

but I just couldn't be arsed with all the tongue in cheek humor.

What do you call it when the rim of a volcano gets all dirty and smelly?

Smagma.

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Life is like being a pubic hair on a toilet rim..

Its inevitable someone will piss you off eventually.

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After I lifted my toilet seat I found an ant on the rim of the bowl.

I really pissed him off.

Did you hear the one about rim jobs?

It's very tongue in cheek.


-came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC

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Put to sleep

So this inquisitive pan-dimensional space monster is out on vacation and decides to check out this little dive bar on Earth (in Detroit) that had some decent reviews on Yelp.

In order to do so he had to first take on a suitable corporal form adhering to local biological esthetics and so he c...

How do you catch a bear?

First, you dig a hole.
Then, you fill it with ashes.
Then, you line the rim of the hole with peas.

When the bear comes to take a pea. You kick him in the ash hole!

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This guy is waiting in the doctor’s office. He’s very nervous and decides to talk to the guy beside him

“So, What are you here for?”

“I got a red ring around the base of my penis, and I’m really scared.”

“Wow... I got a green ring... wonder what it is.”


The first guy gets called in. A few more minutes later he comes out beaming. “Nothing to worry about!! “ he tells our friend ...

What do you call a girl hanging from a basketball rim?

Annette

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Why don't Jews like to give rim jobs?

Because it's too close to the gas chamber.

I'll show myself out

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

I use to know a classic rim shot joke, but...umm

tiss

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

What it is called when u put smaller size tires on wider rims?

Stupidity. It's called stupidity

What kind of job do millennials typically prefer?

A rimjob.

Saw a documentary on rim-jobs last night.

It was very tongue-in-cheek.

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What do you call eating ass on an airplane?

Skyrim

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A sailor and a priest go golfing

The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor.

"My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game.

The sailor n...

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A man goes to see the doctor and says," Doc, I have a rather embarrassing problem. You see, every time I look in the mirror I get an erection. Am I just too attractive? I'm really confused."

The doctor scratches his beard as he consults the chart, until he looks at the man over the rim of his glasses and says, "It's because you're a cunt."

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Porn Parody Movie Titles

My friends and I play this game when we drink or when we wanna pass the time while at work. Looking for some more to use.
Pornoize movie titles, examples

Pacific Rim Job

Squirt Locker

Lord of the Cock Rings

Ect

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Who is the most appropriately named Asian porn star who specialises in rough anal?

Lee King Rim

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What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick

The other will give your rim a lick.

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

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A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.

He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".

The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."

Man "well what are you going t...

Hey guys, what's the name of that movie where they need one particular Jaeger to fight Kaijuu?

Oh yeah it's called Specific Rim, got it.

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A black man is driving his Mercedes when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks him for his license and regristration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?" The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes." Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a ...

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What do you call it when you have anal with a WNBA player?

Finishing at the rim. NSFW

(NSFW) I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring.

So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.

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Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

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My friend is a car collector. [original]

My friend is a car collector. He has a huge garage full of beautiful cars from all around the world.
He invited me round to see the collection so it was a weekend afternoon I went over.
Some were preserved in their original condition but some have been modified by their owners.

The firs...

Car breaks down in front of an insane asylum... [Long]

So a guy’s car breaks down in front of an insane asylum in the dead of the night in the pouring rain. The guy gets out of the car and sees he has a flat tire on his front drivers side. He goes to his trunk to grab the spare, the jack, and his wrench.

As he takes the lug nuts off, he places t...

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Finding a career after college and being a virgin is tough...

There's all kinds of jobs out there: hand jobs, blow jobs, rim jobs...but I can't get any of them

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Wash the Dishes

This guy bought a motorcycle from a friend of his. As he was handing over his money the friend gave him a small tube of Vaseline and told him to rub it on the rims when it rained to avoid water stains. He quickly stowed the tube and drove off to meet his girlfriend who was going to introduce him t...

What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear?

White vans.

*rimshot*

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A guy is running low on gas

so he stops at a gas station with a sign that says:

"If you fill up, you have the chance to free sex!"

It fills the tank to the rim, completes the checkout process and asks for free sex.

"Ok" says the attendant, "call me a number between 0 and 10."

"7" says the guy .
<...

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Jimmy goes to see a dominatrix...

Jimmy goes to see a dominatrix that all his buddies keep recommending.

He nervously tells her, "All my friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic Vlasic Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything else. What is it exactly?"

She explains, "Well, first I'm going to strip you naked a...

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An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

They all order a pint of best bitter, when a fly lands in each ones glass.

The American picks the fly out, and consumes his beer.

The Englishman asks the barman politely for another beer.

The Scotsman deftly picks the fly out of his beer, and starts slamming it on the rim of t...

I can't wait to hook my new bidet up to my Echo on wifi

It'll be nice to say "Alexa, give me a rim job" whenever I want

Contest in the local bar

A bar tender was so confident that he promised free drinks for life to the person that could squeeze more juice from a lemon than him.

A hulk of bodybuilder accepted the challenge and squeezed with all his might to no avail. A small geek with wire rim glasses sits quietly chuckling at the fut...

What do a hillbilly and a nepotist blackberry executive have in common?

They both give their relatives rim jobs.

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My Old Teammate Ron.

So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy wa...

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Hella flush...

So you got $4000 rims on your '99 Civic? That's the same as great-grandma getting a boob job!

Found in a bar in Charleston...

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

* rim shot *

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

How to catch an elephant

In order to catch an elephant you must first find a nice place near a group of elephants. Then you should dig a hole approximately the same size as the elephant. Then you need to fill the hole half way up with ashes from a campfire. The last step in preparation is to line the rim of the hole you jus...

A man walked into a restaurant and saw another man staring at his bowl of soup...

The man just continued to stare at the soup and not touch it. Finally the guy walked over and asked him if he planned on eating it or not, to which the man replied, "No... Why, did you want it?"

The man happily obliges and takes the soup, and he starts to eat it. He gets to the bottom a...

Princess Diana goes to heaven...

Princess Diana goes to heaven and meets St. Peter. He says to her: Here in heaven we are all equal, so you need to take off the crown. She replies: This is not a crown, it's a rim

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The Welding Mask

It's Johnny's tenth birthday, so his mother gives him five bucks to go to the candy store down the street to buy whatever he wants. During his walk he goes through a construction site and sees a welding mask on the ground that he thinks is cool so he decides to pick it up and put it on.

As he...

All the forest animals are having a big car show..

..shining their rims, getting ready to put their cars on display for the forest folk to see. The bunny is hopping along half drunk and stumbles into the clearing.

"WHOAAHhh bear, that's a sweet lambo, how did you ever afford it?"

"Well bunny, i'm not an alcoholic like you" replies the...

The pains of being a biology student.

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a
specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from,
of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some
insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional sp...

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3 ladies and a bucket

An English, Irish and Welsh woman are all sat around competing about how big their vaginas are after giving birth, the Irish woman stands and squats into a bucket of sand and leaves a perfect print, "their" she proclaims, the Welsh woman laughs stands up and squats onto the bucket completely eclipsi...

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The bum and his amazing taste buds

So this drunk bum walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him "get out of here you don't have any money and you stink". "come on say's the bum, just one and I will leave I swear". The bartender thinks about it and thinks well one won't hurt if it will get him out of here. He then g...

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Black Joke

Why do black people have nice clothes, expensive jewelry, and drive fancy cars with rims but live in crappy houses/apartments?

-They haven't figured out how to steal houses yet.

So a seal Walks into a club..

*Rim shot*

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Two ants have a race ...

Two ants are standing on the rim of a toilet, trying to outdo each other. "I bet I'm faster than you!" says the first ant, so they agree to race around the rim.

The first ant takes off at top speed, and makes it all the way around in a minute and twenty-three seconds. "Not bad", says ant 2,...

I told my friend she should work at a tire shop...

She does the best rim-jobs I've ever had.

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