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Drowned Jokes

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond?

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

What is common between burned bread, drowned man and pregnant woman?

Pulled out too late!

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in the vat of beer?

He got out two times to go to the bathroom

Heard about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?

It was three feet deep on average.

My best friend drowned in Egypt.

I’m in denile.

What do you call a giant who drowned in the sea

A titanic

Note: not sure if titan and giant are the same

My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,

but a lovely finish.

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

My uncle fell into a vat of whiskey and drowned.

5 men tried to save him but he managed to fight them off.

My girlfriend drowned in a well

I didn’t know that wells still existed let alone granted wishes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

Did you hear the one about the soda company employee who was out walking on the beach, but drowned?

He was schwepped out to sea

Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

She was found face down in Ricki Lake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No boaters drowned at the Trump boat parade this weekend

Because pieces of shit float

My hipster friend drowned...

He tried to walk across the ice before it was cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

Did you hear about the Egyptian Man who drowned?

He was in denile

I almost drowned yesterday.

It was a breath-taking experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone hear about the guy who drowned in a septic tank?

He was in some deep shit.

My uncle drowned in a vat of whisky

He bravely fought off his rescuers for hour befor he finally circummed.

He was then cremated and the fire lasted 3 days

I nearly drowned in the swimming pool today.

There was a really fit lifeguard who kept smiling at me so I thought I would do something to impress her.







So I took off my armbands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

Did you hear about Steve he drowned in a river

We buried him with a life preserver it’s what he would have wanted.
Credit to u/whiskeyinspace

The person who invented bestiality drowned yesterday...

I guess now he's sleeping with the fishes.

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "...

here was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

I used to have 2 pets, but one sadly drowned

One couldn't swim, the otter could.

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

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