UPJOKE

### My friend asked, “Aren’t you concerned Florida will be submerged from climate change?”

I replied, I thought that’s what we were all trying to do, then we’ll stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

### Did you hear about the kayaker that hit a submerged couch during the Rio Olympics?

It was a fabricated story.

### A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

### Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball

The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference

The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man y...

After a tour of the nation's newest carriers and submarine,the three admirals got together to make small talk where it got to the topic of their wives.

"I'm a three star admiral and when we get rubbing together, it takes me up to half mast and need to play 'anchors aweigh' to get full. So i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

### How to create your very own Bermuda triangle?

1. Surround yourself with relatives.
2. Submerge in their expectations. Watch all your hopes and dreams disappear!

PS:- Extra effective if you are Asian, especially Indian!

Edit : True Story.. I am an Indian and I approve this >\_<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they ca...

### Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff...

...they all die and go to Heaven. As they were approaching the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter comes out to greet them:
"My dear sisters, welcome to Heaven”, said the apostle. The nuns were thrilled to meet him, but he proceeded without delay: “Please form a line while I go back inside to get somethin...

### A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.

The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch". ...

### Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website

"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"

I got the following response comment with 0 answers:

> Mod here. This is a cooking website and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Two Jamaican men are invited to a costume party…

The invitation read “come dressed as an emotion”. Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as and thought long and hard for weeks. Finally on the day of the party, while they were sitting in the kitchen, an idea came to one of them. He jumped up, ran to the fridge and grabbed a large bowl of cu...

### A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Costume Party

A few years back I threw a costume party at my house. It was really fun to see all my friends dressed up silly. There was a cowboy, a gorilla, a nurse, a bum, you know, all the standard outfits one would expect. Everyone was having a great time when the doorbell rang, I went to the door and opened i...

### A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.

"Hey monkey" he yells.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Trump and Putin

were visiting Merkel in Germany.
The three were walking on a beach and talking about their militarys when Trump said:" We have the best submarines, believe me they are yuuuge. They can stay under water for days without needing to get up."
Putin started to laugh:" xaxaxa thats nothing our subma...