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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

What did the seaweed say whilst drowning?

Keeeelp!

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A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

My girlfriend saved me from drowning last night

Thank God she took her foot off my head

What do you do if you see Kim Kardashian drowning?

Nothing, she's plastic so she'll float anyway.

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy from drowning?

Because he was too far out, man.

How did Minnie save Mickey from drowning?

Mouse to mouse resuscitation.

"Your husband died by drowning in one of our beer tanks!"

... said the beer company reps to the woman having just learned about the unfortunate event

"Do you know ... did he suffer?" asks the woman in tears

"We honestly don't think he did.

He came out a few times to pee"

What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?

Shoot him in the face

I really like to talk about people who are drowning

But they never come up

What does a mathematician say when he's drowning?

Log log log log

What do you call four drowning Spaniards?

cuatro cinco

Drowning doesn’t actually sound that bad

In fact it sounds quite breathtaking

Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.
...

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

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A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery

Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."

Worker: "What happened?"

Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."

Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."

Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved...

A lifeguard rescues a drowning man

Grateful, the man offers him an award. He reaches in a flask and pours out some goop.

"Thank you but what is this?"

"Your whale cum."

What did my Data say when he was drowning?

I’m syncing!

What did the drowning Scubadiver say to the fish?

Blubblrubblrbrb.....

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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river and screams for help. Two police officers are standing nearby, but they are just ignoring him. The man does not know, what to do, and so with his last attempt, shouts: "The president is an idiot!". Immediately after the police officers heard this, they pull...

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?

Because they did it before it was cool

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.

The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
<...

How do you stop a homeopath from drowning?

Add more water.

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

You remove them from the gene pool.

Having a fourth child is like you're drowning...

...and then someone hands you a baby.


Credit: Jim Gaffigan

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A dog was drowning in a pond...

A German man ran over and jumped into the pond to try and save it.

When he got out, the dog was unconscious, but it was safe for now.

A bystander, who had watched this happen, asked the man: “are you a vet?”

The man replied: “am I vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept he was drowning?

He was in denial.

A guy goes to a restaurant and orders soup,

Guy: "waiter what is this fly doing in my soup?"
*waiter looks at soup*: "it appears to be drowning sir "

What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?

Sinko de Mayo

How does a narcoleptic swimmer keep from drowning?

With a snorekel.

So a man was drowning in a river and then a big boat comes by and the man in it says “do you need any help” to which the drowning man replies “no thanks, god will save me”.

And then another big boat comes by and the man in it says “do you need any help” to which the drowning man replies again “ no thanks, god will save me”. So the man drowns and goes to heaven. He says to god “why didn’t you save me?” and god says “i sent to big boats you dummy!”

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A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.

Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road buil...

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

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A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat...

Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns.

On the coast jesus asks shaggy : "shouldn't we told h...

My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

Your boyfriend and brother are drowning and you can only save one, who do you save?

I’d save them both because they’re the same person!

Imagin you are walking along the boardwalk in New Jersey when you see an anti-vaxxer and a flat-earther drowning in the ocean...

do you grab dinner before you go to the movies or see the movie first?

Upside to masks

The only upside to wearing a mask during COVID, other than not getting sick and dying alone drowning in one's own fluids, is that this last holiday season I watched all the "Charlie Brown" specials and understood everything the teacher said.

A man's house is drowning

The boat tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and big ship tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and helicopter tries to save him, but the man says:

...

How do you know when you are drowning in milk?

When it’s pasteurised.

What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?

His co-workers

If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning

If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch?

If Donald Trump and Kim-Jong Un were drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch?

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