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Drowning Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
<...

Jokes about drowning billionaires are disgusting.

I mean, how low can you go?

A man is drowning

A man is drowning. A helicopter arrives with a dangling rope, but he waves it away, shouting,
; "I am waiting for God
to save me!" After several minutes, a man on a raft appears.


Again the drowning man waves the rescuer away, explaining that he is waiting for God. When another boat ...

What does it look like when someone is drowning?

lol

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

What did the faucet say when it was drowning?

Help! I'm going to sink!

Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out, man.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

My girlfriend saved me from drowning last night

Thank God she took her foot off my head

Drowning Hipster

Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.

4 Mexicans drowning in quicksand...

quattro Cinco

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.

Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road buil...

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

I had a dream I was drowning in orange soda.

Luckily it was a Fanta sea.

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean.

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest rep...

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

would you go to lunch or a movie?

Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?

Because they did it before it was cool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

What did the seaweed say whilst drowning?

Keeeelp!

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.

The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

What do you do if you see Kim Kardashian drowning?

Nothing, she's plastic so she'll float anyway.

How did Minnie save Mickey from drowning?

Mouse to mouse resuscitation.

What does a mathematician say when he's drowning?

Log log log log

A lifeguard rescues a drowning man

Grateful, the man offers him an award. He reaches in a flask and pours out some goop.

"Thank you but what is this?"

"Your whale cum."

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

What did my Data say when he was drowning?

I’m syncing!

What did the drowning Scubadiver say to the fish?

Blubblrubblrbrb.....

I really like to talk about people who are drowning

But they never come up

Having a fourth child is like you're drowning...

...and then someone hands you a baby.


Credit: Jim Gaffigan

Drowning, choking, and suffocating

Are breathtaking experiences

So a man is drowning

A boat comes by and said,”sir do you need help?”. The man said,”no thanks god will save me”. Another boat comes by and said,”do need help, you’re gonna die.” The man replies,”no thanks god will save”

The man dies and asks god,”Why didn’t you save me god?,” God replies,”You dumbass I sent you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

How does a narcoleptic swimmer keep from drowning?

With a snorekel.

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

A man's house is drowning

The boat tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and big ship tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and helicopter tries to save him, but the man says:

...

If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning

If Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch?

If Donald Trump and Kim-Jong Un were drowning and you could only save one of them, where would you and Justin Trudeau go for lunch?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend's donkey was drowning...

But I saved his ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Irishman was drowning his sorrow in a pub when the bartender asked what was wrong...

The young man explained that he had been madly in love with a neighbor girl for years but had been so afraid of her father that he never asked her out.

"Yesterday her father died and I finally saw my chance. I went and knocked on her door and asked if she would go out with me", he said.
<...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river and screams for help. Two police officers are standing nearby, but they are just ignoring him. The man does not know, what to do, and so with his last attempt, shouts: "The president is an idiot!". Immediately after the police officers heard this, they pull...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat...

Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns.

On the coast jesus asks shaggy : "shouldn't we told h...

Jesus and Moses in Heaven

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

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