A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the ICU.

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

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They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

What do you call a slightly injured Cow?

Ow.

What do you call Batman when he is injured?

Bruised Wayne

How do you transport an injured pig?

In a hambulance!

Why is your injured girlfriend so cold to you?

Because she is a sore bae.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

Why did the worker at the coal mine come to work immediately after he got injured ?

because it was a miner injury

What did Louis Braille say after he injured his eye with an awl?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

A man visits a hotel in Spain and injures himself in the room.

So he calls the front desk and asks them to find him a doctor.

"you're in luck, sir! We have a doctor that lives in this very hotel."

They send the doctor up. After tending to the man's injuries the man remarks:

"Wow! I never would have thought this hotel would have its own do...

What is it called when an injured man dies from food poisoning?

Soup de grace.

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

How did Steve got his lungs injured in army?

Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

I was injured playing Peekaboo with my nephew.

I had to go to the I.C.U.

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

Oh no! Someone got seriously injured at the Nintendo headquarters! Call an ambulance!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

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An old Catholic man and his old Jewish friend are driving in a car

As they're driving along, misfortune befalls them and they get into a serious accident. The Catholic man isn't seriously injured and manages to crawl out of the wrecked car. As he stands, he makes the sign of the cross and quickly thanks God for protecting him. He then goes to check on his friend an...

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Injured Pirate Captain

An old pirate captain was having a talk with a young pirate captain out on the docks.

They joked for a bit until the young captain gets the courage to ask: “What happened to your leg?”

The old captain was eager to respond: “Oh this ‘ere leg? Well ye see lad, I was in a chase with an en...

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I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do 40,000 people get injured by their toilets each year?

Because the toilets are done taking their shit.

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My mate injured his penis in a surfing incident.

He had to shut his laptop quickly when his wife came home unexpectedly

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A Doctor, a Lawyer, and an Engineer ... and the Taliban.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "Off with his head!" shouted the m...

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s...

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.

During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, h...

Where do people injured playing competitive peek-a-boo go when they're hurt?

The ICU

What did the stranger say to the injured British man?

UK man??

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained:
"They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how."
So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's...

19 and 20 had a fight

21.

19 was injured. 22.

Then came the ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

A soldier got injured in a gun fight...

... and kept screaming "medic". The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "medic". The medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and the soldier kept saying "medic". After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist, he realized that the soldier wasn'...

Getting injured in America is kinda like an arcade machine

You gotta input more money or you die.

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

The nurse

A man walks into a bar, ends up getting into a horrible bar fight and is lying on the floor injured. "Don't worry," says the bartender, a Red Cross nurse is in the building and is coming to help you.' "Oh no," groans the victim, "couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?"

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Who's the toughest

A group of old men were sitting at the local VFW, downing beers and trading war stories.

They were joined by another old man, who was new to their club, so they took their turns trying to prove who was the toughest.

First the Navy guy stood up: "I was on the USS Indianapolis, when it g...

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

A man got injured when his books fell on him...

He had no one to blame but his shelf

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

If a man crashes through a window and severely injures himself...

...Would you say that he's in *pane*?

What does an injured cat always say?

"Me, ow!"

A man injures his hand and visits his doctor...

"Doc, will I be able to play the piano now?"

"Of course! This won't stop a thing."

"That's good, because I couldn't play worth a damn before!"

What do you call a goody two-shoes who gets injured in the civil war?

Goody one-shoe.

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

What is it called when you're on vacation in the U.S. and you get injured?

Debt.

It was only after the accident, which left the mans feet severely injured that their marriage turned sour.

Unbeknownst him he had married someone who was lack-toes intolerant

Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line?

He made a maraca-ulous recovery.



It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.

What will happen if an 110lb kid is jogging at 4mph, and a 3000lb car hits him at a constant speed of 55mph?

He gets hit by the truck, and is severely injured.



So anyways I lost my license today

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

Snail and the Tortoise

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.
The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.
When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him
"Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?".
The snail...

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend?

One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

A man was badly injured in a car accident

The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

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Wife terribly injured

The husband receives a call from the hospital telling him to come quickly.

When he arrives the doctor meets him at the doors and tells him "your wife was in a terrible accident. She's lost 80% of her brain function and she's paralyzed from the neck down. You'll have to retire from your job an...

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A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.

"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.

"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.

"Well, what does it say in the boo...

Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day

Got up too fast after watching the third film

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

As a vintner was moving a cask of sparkling wine,

he rolled his foot and injured his ankle. The pain was severe, so he decided to visit his orthopedist. The doctor examined his foot and ankle, took x-rays, and ran MRI scans.

"Sir, I can't find anything wrong with you. You can move your foot and ankle normally, and there's nothing showing up ...

What do you call an injured gang member?

a *crip*ple

What do lawyers do with a injured leg

They put it in attorney-quet.

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A guy gets a job working in a pickle factory.

A guy gets a job working in a pickle factory as a pickle packer and he excitedly goes home to tell his wife the good news.

"Try not to get fired, we really need this job" she tells him.

The first day on the job he comes home and she asks, "How was work today?"

He replies "I lo...

My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.

Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.

Did you hear the Irish are remaking Kill Bill?

It's called Injure Ginger.

Sad News At The Nestle Factory

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered

Injured animal jokes are

Lame

What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

What sound does an injured turkey make?

Hobblehobblehobblehobble

So there's this village on the Black Sea coast in Turkey

Over time a pothole in the road has got so big that people are falling into it and getting injured.

It get so bad that all the villagers get together to decide what to do about the hole in the road.

One of them says, "We should have an ambulance standing by ready to take people to the ...

The MLB is renaming the “disabled list” to the “injured list”.

I’m surprised by how easily it was for the Cleveland Indians to embrace using politically correct terminology.

How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

By icing it.

A man was crossing the road when he was hit by a car, which then sped off. A police officer asked the injured man, ”Did you get a look at the driver?” ”No,” he said, “but I can tell you it was my ex-wife.”

“How do you know that?” asked the officer.


“I’d recognize her laugh anywhere!”

Three men went on a hunting trip

They decided to have a bit of a competition and see who could get the largest prize on their own.

The first went out and after a while he brought back a magnificent buck. The others asked in amazement "how did you get it?"

He replied "I found some tracks, I followed the tracks, and bl...

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Today, a man was injured at the local glass cleaner factory....

His injuries are very clear.

I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.

On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.

I got injured in the playground today.

Chute.

Court proceedings were rescheduled because a juror appeared to have sprained his ankle upon entering the court chambers. It turns out he was related to the defendant, and he only pretended to be injured in an attempt to buy his relative more time. When the judge found this out, he punished the man.

Lucky for the man, a fake in jury isn’t a serious offense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A thalidomide victim has been badly injured by a firework...

He followed the instructions precisely - "Light fuse and hold at arms length".

Nearly blew his fucking head off!

A man saw a dog named frost.

It wagged its tail as people walked by. The man went to pet it but this dog lashed out and injured his hand.

"I didn't know frost bites."

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

Condoms are like injured bones...

If they are broken you are screwed.

The boy who loved tractors

There was a young boy who lived on a farm, he absolutely loved tractors. All his toys were tractors, his bed was even in the shape of a tractor. Every day after school he would ride around the farm with his dad on the tractor. One day, whilst riding around with his dad the boy fell off the tractor a...

I was going to tell you a joke about an injured deer...

...but it would have been lame.

Before I Injured my leg girls used to run away from me

Now they just walk

Do you understand this joke

Tom: "John, how is your brother?"

John: "He was injured and lying on the bed."

Tom: "It's terrible, how could this happen?"

John: "We played games to see who can stick his body farther out the window more, and he won."

A soldier rushes to his captain and says: "one enemy ship is approaching us"

Captain Replies “David, Go Bring My Red Shirt”

Soldier Gets Shirt For His Captain.

Enemy Ship Comes In, Heavy Rounds Of Fire Are Exchanged.

Finally The Captain Wins.

Soldier Asks: “Congrats Sir, But Why The Red Shirt?”

Captain Replies: “If I Got Injured Then My Blo...

I injured my back in Egypt...

and had to see a Cairo-practor

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road one day, and spies a farmhouse with a pig sty just off the front porch.

Finding this to be a little odd, he slows down to take a closer look, and sees a single, well cared-for pig in the sty. Odder still, on closer inspection, he sees that the pig has one wooden leg.

Consumed with curiosity, he heads up the driveway to the farmer's home, hops out of his car, and ...

My buddy in the Air Force got injured in the war...

He fell off his chair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I brought home an injured bird

And I wanted to nurse it back to health. My mom was okay with it, but my dad looked pissed.
He was so mad that he yelled, "THAT WON'T FLY IN MY HOUSE!"

A rich man buys a new Lamborghini.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first stoplight, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
<...

G(old)

Carl went to Brazil leaving his little brother John to take care of his elderly mother and his beloved cat. Three months later he received a telegram: "Your cat died". Desolate, he called for details. After crying, I told John that this news is not given like this, that he should first have sent a t...

Did you hear about the injured condiment?

He had to be rushed to the Mayo Clinic.

A woman is severely injured in a car accident.

....Her husband talks to the doctor and asks how she's doing.

"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The doctor answered.

"The bad news is that she's completely paralyzed. You'll have to help her move, eat, drink, shower, go to the toilet, get into bed, and other day-to-d...

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

A man is giving his deposition...

The lawyer says, "Sir, when you got into a car accident, and the sheriff walked up to you, you had said that you never felt better in your life. Why is that?" So the man explains himself. "When I crashed my car, my horse that was in my trailer was in quite a bad condition, and the sheriff recognized...

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.

So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.

Adam asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"

The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."

Adam said, "Then s...

What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?

A hobblin' goblin

There was a very well liked guy named Jimmy, and had always aspired to be a pilot, just like his dad.

Unfortunately, life took many rough turns for him in high school; one night while driving late one night, his tire blew out and he lost his right eye. Having only half his vision, his dreams of being a pilot were crushed, and he didn't know what to do with his life.

Jimmy, now fitted with a b...

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