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Injure Jokes

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

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My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

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They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

My uncle was injured in an explosion at the cheese factory today.

He was hit by a chunk of da Brie

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I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

An italian pastry chef was injured at work this friday

We Cannoli hope he makes a full recovery.

I can’t be injured by cars.

The scientists said I have an autoimmune condition.

Where do you go if you get injured playing peek-a-boo?

The ICU

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A friend of mine was recently injured from a lack of blood flow to his brain while he was masturbating.

He had a bad stroke!

I was once served a grilled cheese sandwich in Switzerland and it was too hot to eat and I injured myself.

I had to go to the Bern ward...

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

Did you hear about the mansplainer that got injured?

Apparently he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.

Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

My friend threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me but I wasn’t really injured

Thankfully, they were super-fish-oil injuries

my wife injured me with her hand job

It rubbed me the wrong way

When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend’s blood type, I gave them the wrong one.

Now she’ll get to know what rejection feels like

Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day

Got up too fast after watching the third film

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.

Now I can look back and laugh.

Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?

Do not accept if seal is broken.

What do you call a slightly injured Cow?

Ow.

Oh no! Someone got seriously injured at the Nintendo headquarters! Call an ambulance!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

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Injured Pirate Captain

An old pirate captain was having a talk with a young pirate captain out on the docks.

They joked for a bit until the young captain gets the courage to ask: “What happened to your leg?”

The old captain was eager to respond: “Oh this ‘ere leg? Well ye see lad, I was in a chase with an en...

How do you transport an injured pig?

In a hambulance!

What do you call a shrimp that always gets injured?

Accident prawn.

Did you hear about the guy that got badly injured while playing peekaboo?

Yeah they had to put him in the I.C.U.

What did the paramedic said to the badly injured power ranger?

It is morphine time!

What do you call an injured Hulk?

A BRUISED BANNER

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...

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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

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My mate injured his penis in a surfing incident.

He had to shut his laptop quickly when his wife came home unexpectedly

How did Steve got his lungs injured in army?

Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

A soldier got injured in a gun fight...

... and kept screaming "medic". The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "medic". The medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and the soldier kept saying "medic". After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist, he realized that the soldier wasn'...

What does an injured cat always say?

"Me, ow!"

Why is your injured girlfriend so cold to you?

Because she is a sore bae.

What does an injured person and the fillings of a sandwich have in common

They’re both in pain

What did Louis Braille say after he injured his eye with an awl?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Injured animal jokes are

Lame

What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend?

One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

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Why do 40,000 people get injured by their toilets each year?

Because the toilets are done taking their shit.

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A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.

"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.

"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.

"Well, what does it say in the boo...

What sound does an ambulance make when a child predator gets injured?

PE-DO PE-DO PE-DO!

Getting injured in America is kinda like an arcade machine

You gotta input more money or you die.

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

What did the stranger say to the injured British man?

UK man??

A man got injured when his books fell on him...

He had no one to blame but his shelf

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

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Did you read in the paper about Lorena Bobbit getting badly injured in a car crash up in Boston?

Apparently some dick cut her off.

I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.

On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

A man was badly injured in a car accident

The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

Why did the worker at the coal mine come to work immediately after he got injured ?

because it was a miner injury

What do lawyers do with a injured leg

They put it in attorney-quet.

I was injured by my radio.

It Hertz.

Condoms are like injured bones...

If they are broken you are screwed.

What do you call an injured gang member?

a *crip*ple

A man visits a hotel in Spain and injures himself in the room.

So he calls the front desk and asks them to find him a doctor.

"you're in luck, sir! We have a doctor that lives in this very hotel."

They send the doctor up. After tending to the man's injuries the man remarks:

"Wow! I never would have thought this hotel would have its own do...

Where do you take somebody who has been injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident?

To the I C U

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

I got injured in the playground today.

Chute.

How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?

By icing it.

I injured my back in Egypt...

and had to see a Cairo-practor

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

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[OC] I brought home an injured bird

And I wanted to nurse it back to health. My mom was okay with it, but my dad looked pissed.
He was so mad that he yelled, "THAT WON'T FLY IN MY HOUSE!"

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A thalidomide victim has been badly injured by a firework...

He followed the instructions precisely - "Light fuse and hold at arms length".

Nearly blew his fucking head off!

My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.

Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.

Today, a man was injured at the local glass cleaner factory....

His injuries are very clear.

A man injures his hand and visits his doctor...

"Doc, will I be able to play the piano now?"

"Of course! This won't stop a thing."

"That's good, because I couldn't play worth a damn before!"

The MLB is renaming the “disabled list” to the “injured list”.

I’m surprised by how easily it was for the Cleveland Indians to embrace using politically correct terminology.

Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line?

He made a maraca-ulous recovery.



It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

What is it called when you're on vacation in the U.S. and you get injured?

Debt.

I was going to tell you a joke about an injured deer...

...but it would have been lame.

What is an injured persons favorite movie?

Cast Away

If a man crashes through a window and severely injures himself...

...Would you say that he's in *pane*?

Before I Injured my leg girls used to run away from me

Now they just walk

It was only after the accident, which left the mans feet severely injured that their marriage turned sour.

Unbeknownst him he had married someone who was lack-toes intolerant

Chuck Norris was never circumcised...

Doctors did everything they could during the procedure including an intense 4 hour emergency surgery, but sadly they were unable to repair the injured knife and it passed away while on the operating table.

My buddy in the Air Force got injured in the war...

He fell off his chair.

What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?

A hobblin' goblin

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend that he could touch the tip of his beak with the end of his foot. Certain that ducks aren’t built to do this kind of thing his friend takes the bet.

After several attempts, rolling around on the floor, flapping around and making a fool of himself, the duc...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

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A married couple are driving home from a party one night, and they run over a badger..

They pull over, and realize the badger is still breathing but it's injured and freezing cold. The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up while we drive home." The wife replies "But it's all wet, and it smells disgusting!"

The husband says "Plug his fucking nose then!"

Neighbour.

Me and my neighbour are always arguing, so I said to him, we have to sort this out once and for all.

He suggested a friendly water fight so no one gets injured..

Perfect, I said, just waiting for the kettle to boil.

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

Did you hear the Irish are remaking Kill Bill?

It's called Injure Ginger.

What do you call an injured Confederate soldier that can't find a medic?

A rebel without a gauze.

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

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so, the apostles hired the most beautiful escort in all the village…

Jesus had just come home after spending a long day out in the village miraculously healing the diseased and injured. the apostles decided that since he had been working so hard to help the village people, they would show their appreciate my hiring Jesus an escort. they went to the village and hired ...

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