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A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

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A man is about to go to a stag party with his friends.

Before he heads off, his girlfriend of 3 years tells him "You've had a history of getting stupidly drunk and leaving me to babysit you every time you come back on nights out like these. If you come back to our house drunk like that tonight, we're through."

The man agrees with her, and heads o...

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A drunk vomits on himself at a bar

The drunk starts crying. The bartender asks him why he's crying and the drunk says "my wife told me if I get so drunk that I throw up on myself again, she's gonna divorce me." The bartender thinks for a minute and slips the drunk a 20 dollar bill in his shirt pocket. The drunk says "what's this for...

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

My wife doesn't like vomit jokes.

But I do nausea problem with it.

When my girlfriend was pregnant it was pretty bad I mean the vomiting,the crying

It was bad for her too

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The Wrong trousers

A man is drinking all day in a bar when he suddenly vomits on himself. " I can't go home like this," he tells his friend " if my wife sees me drunk and covered in puke again she will leave me," his friend thinks for a moment '' just put 20 bucks in your shirt pocket and say another guy puked on you ...

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

I was having lunch with the Russian President when all of a sudden he vomited...

It was very off Putin

(This is one of my first jokes, pls don't hate)

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A very depressed looking man is sitting at a bar, his shirt front covered in vomit.

The bartender asks him, "What's wrong friend? What's got you looking so down?"

The man replies, "Things aren't going well for me today. I promised my wife I'd cut down on my drinking. When I get home and she sees my shirt like this, she's gonna know I got boozed up and vomited all down my ...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

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Even under quarantine, it was an epic St. Patrick's Day night!

Except now, the vomit in the bathroom, broken table, shattered pint glasses and piss beside the building all belong to me.

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A drunken man was weeping outside of a bar, covered in vomit

A stranger approached him and asked him what was wrong. The drunken, vomit covered man said "my wife said if I ever come home drunk again she would take the children and leave. They're everything to me!" The stranger said "Here's what you do. Take a $20 bill and put it in your pocket. When your ...

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

A cannibal vomits after his meal.

You really can't keep a good man down...

My uncle drank way too much..

his wife told him that she would leave if he came home drunk again. Of course he goes out again, gets blind drunk, and vomits all over himself. He tells his buddy, “I can’t go home like this, she’ll leave me”. His friend gives him a $20 and says, “Put this in your pocket, and tell her that somebody ...

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Three microbes on a woman

The tooth microbe, the ear microbe and the vaginal microbe


They are having a conversation:


Tooth microbe: It sucks being me, every morning and night, some hairy tool comes covered in toxic paste and tries to kill me


Ear Microbe: Something similar happens to me, there...

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

The good doctor

A doctor moves to America, but is not allowed to continue practicing medicine. So he opens a shop with a sign that says "$20 and we'll cure any illness. Guaranteed, or you get $100 back."

A lawyer sees the sign and realizes he can make an easy $100. He walks into the clinic and says he lost ...

I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control.

Unfortunately, something came up.

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Vomiting is like sex...

It's sometimes better to just bend over and let it happen.

When it comes it comes.

You usually feel gross afterwards, but there's still a sense of relief.

What does an Irishman call it when the girl he's been chatting up all night accidentally vomits on him?

Second base.

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A visit to the doctor

"I want to prescribe you a new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"


"I would prefer to hear bad news first".



"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, per...

Something is wrong with me!

A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
\-
Pharmacists: “Nope, I feel fine.”

Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush.

Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”

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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

I burped a few times and the driver looked at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £40 if you throw up on my seats."

I burped again.

Thankfully I was able to hold it down until we stopped outside my house. Another enormous burp escaped my lips.

The driver assessed me once mo...

Little Bob went to church with his mom

At some point, he started feeling dizzy and unwell. He turns to his mom and asks: "Mom, can we leave now?"

"No Bob", his mom replied curtly.

"I feel very bad, I think I'm going to throw up".

"Then get out, find a bush to vomit in and come back".

Bob gets up and leaves, th...

I can build and fix small engines using only vomit, feces and rotted animals.

Due to my gross motor skills.

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

So Gary goes to prison...

One Friday, Gary is walking around the courtyard checking the place out, he notices a a huge group of the inmates gathered around in a circle. Curious, he walks up to group and asks someone what's happening.

"Every Friday we get together and tell jokes. We've got some good ones. Check it out...

Some people think vomiting is hard...

but I got threw it with flying colors.

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I was at the pub last night...

My wife was waiting for me to come home, but the guys promised to buy me a drink. One turned to ten and before I knew it I was so drunk I threw up on my clothes.

"Oh no", I uttered, knowing my wife would be really mad. Luckily one of the guys had an idea. He slipped 10 dollars into my pocket....

The pizza was waiting in the stomach..

The pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along.

Pizza thought, "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry."

Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza lets him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopped hi...

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Every time I have sex with a girl, it’s like being on a roller coaster.

It usually last a few minutes, and she vomits after.

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A penis has a sad life.

His hair is always messy, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his owner beats him to the point of vomiting, and when ever he feels good his owner hides him.

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.


Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the tabl...

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

Why did the man vomit after eating Middle Eastern food?

It made his stomach falafel.

A drunk guy gets into a taxi..

-Ehh.. 'scuse me, driver... would it be okay if.. I left a few beers, some fried chicken, 2 tequila shots and some rice on your back seat?

-(confused)Ehm, sure.

*#vomits#*



Sorry people, I had to.

How many Fratboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, fratboys screw in their own vomit!

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Husband is getting ready to go out drinking with his buddies.

Wife is ironing his shirt and as he's putting it on, she gives him a warning about his drinking. "Remember, if you get so drunk that you throw up on your clothes. I'm going to be really upset". He assures her that he will be good and heads out to the bar to meet his friends. Of course he begins to d...

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Here’s a joke my pastor told today.

So a pastor comes home from church one day while his wife stayed home. His wife asks,

“So what did you preach about today?”

The pastor talked about sex, but couldn’t bring himself to say it to his wife. He stutters and says

“S-s-ss Sailing!” And he leaves the room.

Later...

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Two Recently Married Men

Are on a plane in route to their honeymoon.

George turns to John and says "Hey baby. You wanna have sex right here in our seats?"

"What?! Are you crazy? There are hundreds of people on this plane!" Says John

George replies "Don't be so uptight. No one is paying a bit of attenti...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

Old man Harvey was a drinker

He would drink everyday, stumble home each night and vomit in the sink. Mrs. Harvey was tired of finding and cleaning puke in the sink every morning and was telling her neighbor about it.

Her neighbor told her to catch one of the stray cats from around the house and kill it, then put the gut...

A boyfriend paid a visit to his cancer-stricken girlfriend in the hospital.

"How are you babe?" He asked

"Good, can you do something for me?"

"Anything"

"Give me the bucket I feel like throwing up" she said.

So he gave her the bucket which was right beside the hospital bed and his girlfriend threw up in it.

"Do you love me?" She asked afte...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

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Party guy

A guy goes out after work with some buds. An hour in and his friend notices all he's drinking is ginger ale.

"What's up with this?"

"Aww, I have to stay straight. Every time I get shit-faced, I end up vomiting all over myself and my wife knows I've been out drinking with the boys."...

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The Forest Incident

The animals of the forest are having a meeting. For months on end, there was one big party and the forest lookes like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can't go on and voted to go teatotal. The bear was elected sheriff...

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it'...

Having a cat is like living with a piece of art...

Sometimes, you just have someone vomit on your carpet.

A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...

He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist’s face.

That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on...

Dads Anonymous

Dad: Go on, it's safe here.

Me: Sometimes I don't cut the grass in a pattern.

One dad vomits, another stops grilling entirely

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A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

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A man goes out to meet an old friend.

This friend is his drinking buddy from back in the day when he would get blackout drunk. They meet at a bar, and the man immediately tells his friend that he can't drink.

Man: I can't get drunk like I used to, my wife would kill me.

Friend: Aww come on. It will be just like old times...

I was walking home drunk when I came across some people collecting for charity.

I don't know why they got so upset when I vomited in their bucket of coins and banknotes.

They had clearly labelled it: FOR THE SICK.

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

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Two Drunk Buddies

Joe and John are leaving the bar towards the alley.

Joe: "I am so drunk I have to vomit but I can't."

John: "It's easy, you just have to touch your tonsils with your finger and you will throw without you knowing."

Joe: "Ok" (trying with his middle finger). "As hard as I tried bu...

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Two friends are drinking at a bar

They have been out all night and one of the guys has had a few too many. He tries to take one more shot but can’t handle it. He throws up all over himself and his new shirt that his wife had bought him.

He looks over to his friend and says, “My wife is going to kill me! I’ve gotta get outta ...

Fork please?

A homeless man walks into an expensive restaurant during their busy lunch hour. The manager spots him and asks him to leave.

"But please sir, may I just have a fork?" said the bum.

Figuring that the cost of a fork was worth avoiding a scene, he hands the man a fork and the man return...

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My uncle Marty's drivin' home, right?

My uncle Marty's
drivin' home, right?

Bombed out of his tree, right? Just
hammered out of his gourd. Just wrecked.

This state trooper sees him, pulls him
over. So my uncle's fucked basically.

Got him out of the car,
tryin' to make him walk the line.

He gets ou...

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

An obese woman goes to the doctor.

She explains to the Doctor that she has been very nauseas and vomiting, even more so in the morning. After many tests and examinations the doctor came to a conclusion, "It looks like you're pregnant." He told her.
The woman was very distraught with his diagnosis. "I'm pregnant?!" She yells.
...

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Ten bucks says you won't do it.

So this man walks into a bar, and notices a large jar on the counter stuffed with cash. He orders a drink, and he asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the jar?"
The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, complete the challenge, and you win the jar."
"So what's the challenge?"
"Sorry...

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Having sex with me is a lot like riding a roller coaster

It's over in about a minute and makes you want to vomit

A leper walks into a bar & tells the bartender...

A leper walks into a bar & tells the bartender "I know I'm disgusting looking but If you could please serve me a scotch I'd be grateful, I'll leave if I'm too much to stomach." Bartender says "No problem, as long as your paying I'll pour."

So the bartender pours the leper a drink & th...

Icarus arrives at the airport.

Ahead of him, a husband and wife shepherd their two children, a boy and girl, toward their gate.

"Dad, can I have a taco before the flight?" The boy asks.

The father sighs, relenting. "All right."

Three hours later, Icarus lands. His father waits outside, ready to greet him. ...

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit dr...

Cold stew

A man walks into a diner, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl." "Thats fine" he replies "Ill just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the n...

A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.

A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.

A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausage...

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Pub joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer - Bill Bailey

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas tw...

Why you don't want to drink too much beer.

A man walks into a bar one evening and has a seat. The bartender walks up to the man...
"Whatcha drinkin stranger?"
"Gimme anything except Budweiser." said the man.
Barkeep gives the guy a Coors Light and keeps to his duties. 10 minutes goes by and the man orders another drink.
"Anything...

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A man is walking home one night when he rounds a corner to find a young woman fingering her a man in the butt...

"Uh, what are you doing?" the man asked her.

She turned and looked at him with frustration in her eyes.

"This is my boyfriend. We went out drinking together tonight and it was supposed to be *his* turn to drive. Well, he drank too much so now I'm trying to induce vomiting."

The ...

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Two guys are getting really drunk at a bar...

...and one of them proceeds to vomit all over his own shirt.

He says to his friend, "Aww man. My wife is going to kill me. She's going to be so pissed that I got so drunk tonight."

His friend says, "Don't worry I have a plan ."

He tucks a $20 bill in the man's shirt pocket an...

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Two soldiers are walking through a forrest.

They’re both starving and searching for food, when they come to a crossroads. They agree, that each will go down one path and look for food. After about an hour they meet back at the crossroad. One of them is empty-handed, but the other one is holding a helmet full of macaroni with bits of meat. The...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

So a man gets off work and is headed to his favorite diner for his favorite meal.

So one Friday, this guy gets off work and hes is really craving his usual Friday meal, some vegetable soup from his favorite diner. He arrives, sits down at his table and asks the waiter for the usual.

"One bowl of vegetable soup, please!" The waiter responds "I'm so sorry sir, but the gentle...

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3 guys go to hell...

3 guys go to hell, and the devil greets them for orientation.
"You each came here for different reasons" he says, "but I'm going to let you pick one vice, and you can do that, but ONLY that, for eternity."

So he goes to the first guy, who was an alcoholic, and after a moment of thought th...

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