Drinking Problem Jokes

"Is she an alcoholic?"

"No I am, but she is the one who suffers"

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. ... read more

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.


But don't worry, I can stop at any time.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

Trick question. It was my depression.

He is up all hours of the night harassing everybody in the household until he gets his fix.
He doesn't stop until he's completely passed out. There's no talking to him,
he either completely ignores you or just mumbles on incoherently.
And this has been going on three months now; si... read more

If Bob has drunk 2 cups of orange juice and Steve has drunk 3, and each cup has the juice of 4 oranges, how many oranges did the buy?

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

He can't control his licker

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn... read more

He takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. He gets up.

He takes a few more steps and again falls flat on his face.

He walks all the way home like this, continuously falling down and getting back up, and finally gets into his bed.

The next morning his wife wakes him up exc... read more

...and you’ve never been to that bar before.

*Courtesy of Zack Galifianakis*

To the Automobiles Association.

I told him he should try to get a handle on it.

Shakesbeer.

Yeah, 2 hands and only 1 mouth.

My friend asked me to toast some bread... I got up, raised my glass and said: "Here's to the Bread"

The drinking part I have mastered it’s the stopping part that gets me every time

If someone says "I think I'll have a drink." I say, "Social I!"

Because only Siths drink in Absoluts.

..that causes him to almost never arrive to work on time. His boss, frustrated by the man's lack of punctuality, warns him that if he is late to work one more day, he'll be fired.

The next day, the man makes sure to arrive to work on time, but is surprised to find that he can't find a space ... read more

She said: "I think you need to abstain from alcohol and face your problems."

I responded: "I need absinthe for my problems? And here I though I was the one with the drinking problems!"

But I won't let you ruin my Tuesday morning buzz.

Boy, I'm glad they all walked into that bar when they did.

Sometimes beer spills out the sides of my mouth when I drink.

'I'm always drunk whenever I'm traveling between countries!'

Doctor - 'Sounds like you're a borderline alcoholic.'

That's ridiculous. I don't even remember last time when I was black out drunk.

A wrecked angle.

Time to start brewing coffee at home.

His wife tells him if he goes to the bar and gets drunk she will consider getting a divorce. Like most men, he goes to the bar anyway. After a night of drinking he pays the tab and turns around to head home. After one step he falls flat on his face. He thinks to himself "wow I am drunk, I can't even... read more

An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. ... read more

So a guy comes to the police station,

Hello - says the police officer - you are here for a drinking problem correct?

The man replies : What me? drinking problem? no officer I have no drinking problem, I was drinking all night, no problems so far.

Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have?
Student: A drinking problem.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ... read more

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in... read more

The dogs have a drinking problem.

(Actual sign on a bathroom door)

The bartender greets him, and says "You've been coming in here a lot. Do you think you might have a drinking problem?"

The horse pauses for a minute and says, "I think not."

And immediately disappears.



See, this joke plays on the famous Rene Descartes philosophical quot... read more

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato... read more

Both are on the rocks, because I have a drinking problem

I don't think I'm going crazy, but my imaginary friend tells me I may have a drinking problem.

8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

Because seven had a serious drinking problem and was extremely abusive.