A guy walks into a pub in his pyjamas holding a drip on a metal stand

He says to the Barman

"I'll have 4 pints of Guinness, 4 pints of lager, 2 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, 5 shots of Sambuca, and a jaegerbomb"

As the barman starts pouring the drinks and lining them up and the bar the guy starts picking them up and downing them in one. Drinki...

Why does ISIS only drink drip coffee?

Because they hate French Press!

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

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When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

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A beautiful woman walks into a bar...

She goes straight to the bar, hops up onto it, flips up her skirt, and starts furiously masturbating. A minute later, she's cumming, and spraying her girl juices in every direction as she spins and twirls on the bar.

A barfly looks up from his drink, wipes the drips from his face and says, "...

"How much does a drop of petrol cost?"

"A drop?" *shrugs* "Nothing."

"Great. Drip this full please."

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

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Positive Attitude

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

He reali...

A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet.

It is a tense moment.

The Serpent Guard's eyes glow, the Horus Guard's beak glistens, the Setesh Guard's... nose drips.

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What do women and fridges have in common?

They both drip when they're fucked

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee...

>**Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.**
>
>**Seven days later, they all ca...

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"Doc..." says Steve. "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for!?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done." replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of t...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

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A very poor couple had just been married

and all they could afford was to share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that
they had to sleep on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older
couple slept on the lower half.

Needless to say, the young couple
wanted sex often. Instead of asking the question explicit...

A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensat...

Little Jonny is having a difficult time with the math lesson so...

The teacher, Miss Cooper decides to use a situation that little Jonny can relate to. She knows little Jonny likes to hunt birds so she asks little Jonny "if there are if 5 birds on a wooden fence and you shoot one how many are left"? Little Jonny replies "none" once you shoot one the other birds fly...

A short man walks into a bar

Upon walking in, something drips on him from the ceiling. He looks up and sees a piece of steak. He asks the bartender why there's a steak on the ceiling.

The bartender tells him if he could jump up and touch the steak, he gets free drinks for the rest of the night. If he misses, he pays for...

A man walks into a bar...

...wearing a hospital gown and attached to an IV drip.
He asks the barman to give him a double Vodka on the rocks.
Barman passes him one and he necks it back.
He asks the barman for another double Vodka on the rocks.
Barman passes him another and he necks it back.

'I really should...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

A Roman Catholic priest, a Southern Baptist minister, and a Rabbi were all at a bar...

They were all arguing over who could convert the most followers to his respective religion.

A rather drunk man at the bar yells, "Anyone can convert a person! It takes real skill to convert a bear!"

The three religious mean agree, and set out to prove who could most effectively convert...

A National Geographic journalist visits a remote village...

...on an unexplored, untouched island in the South Pacific. He is welcomed by the villagers with open arms, and a great feast in his honor is given. All the villagers and the journalist eat their fill until they cannot possibly take another bite. The journalist retires to a bed the villagers prepare...

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A fellow is standing at a urinal, doing his business.

A second person enters the mens room and quickly approaches the urinal next to him, then proceeds to just stand there. The fellow casts a glance sideways to see what is going on.

He sees a young man with no arms standing and looking forlornly at the urinal. His little arm nubs stick out of hi...

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