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Doesn't Work Jokes

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener

I asked God for a bike, but I knew God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

"What's your plan B if art doesn't work out, sir?"

"Politics."

Even when your Roomba doesn't work anymore

it still collects dust.

Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?

Ctrl-P

What do you do if your medicine doesn't work?

if symptoms persist, insult your doctor

"That's what she said" is not a funny punchline. It's old, pathetic and doesn't work!

*That's what she said.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For Sale. 42 inch TV. Volume button doesn't work $20.

A deal you can't turn down

What's white and doesn't work?

The reddit search bar.

Best dad joke I ever came up with: What do you call a resistor that doesn't work?

Ohm-less

If communism doesn't work, why do so many people support it ?

Because they don't work either.

When software doesn't work

It just bugs me

What's black and doesn't work?

Decaffeinated coffee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

What rapper doesn't work out enough?

Tupac.

Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?

Because it can't be taken on empty stomach

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer doesn't work?

The task manager.

I don't know why people say building a wall doesn't work

The chinese did it 2000 years ago and they still don't have any mexicans.

At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work...

...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.

New user: "How come my new printer doesn't work in Linux?" Linus: "You need the right driver."

"My chauffeur's outside."

I bought the new "Ford" vacuum cleaner, but it doesn't work.

I guess it's the only thing Ford has made that doesn't suck.

I asked the internet a question but I know the internet doesn't work that way.

So I posted the qrong answer and qaited for responses.

What do you call parachute jumping when the parachute doesn't work?

Jumping to a conclusion.

Stalin should have known communism doesn't work

There were red flags everywhere.

I always said that physiotherapy doesn't work...

... but now I stand corrected.

Robin: "Holy disappointment Batman, the TV remote doesn't work!"

Batman: "Have you checked the batteries?"

Robin: "What are teries?"

If something doesn't work, unplug it and plug it back in, it fixes it every time.

Except for Grandma.

What do you call a utility knife that doesn't work?

A futility knife.

Thank god the "S" on my keyboard doesn't work...

It means I can apply for jobs and they think I'm just an ex-offender.

Democracy obviously doesn't work.

I mean, I was voted "most likely to succeed" at High School.

What do you call a lizard that doesn't work?

A reptile dysfunction.

I painted my computer black now it doesn't work

I painted it white to make it work again now the whole system is corrupt - daddypig-ncsu

I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs

If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

I'll see myself out now.

Know why online dating doesn't work for snakes?

e-reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A unemployed male college graduate.

Republicans run for office by saying the government doesn't work...

Then they get elected and prove it.

If your mouse doesn't work, what is it?

Unemployed.

A rookie cop is being trained by his sergeant

Unfortunately it's a pretty slow day. Finally the sergeant says "Okay, here's a hint. Pick a car and just follow him around. Before long he's bound to make a mistake, and you can pull him over for that." So the sergeant selects a car, and starts following it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't wor...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door


A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there


"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

A friend of mine gets a big raise every year. His secret? Always negotiate on a rainy day.

I thought it was crazy. I should've left it at that. But I'm a sucker for a good misconception… and I was due for a raise.

I waited for a nice rainy day. Not a misty day, or a drizzle. It had to be full-on rain. Inevitably, the day arrived and I requested a meeting with my boss. He listened i...

My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness...

...and if that doesn't work, kill them with whatever's handy".


She's set to be released from prison in 2049.

Doctors

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?” ...

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

Hold it firmly...

Hold it firmly in your hand.

Put it in your mouth.

Lick it to straighten it.

If it doesn't work, suck it.

Now you can put it in the hole.

Damn threading a needle is no joke.

I have a foot fetish...

I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.

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A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache

The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have sex with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"

The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.

But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically order...

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

Guy is nervous about sky diving.

The diving instructor tells him "When you hit altitude just pull the chute cord and you'll be fine."

Guy asks, "What if that doesn't work?"

Instructor says, "Then pull the reserve."

Guy, still nervous, "okay but what if that doesn't work"

"OK, listen, if that fails just l...

My doctor told me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss.

I told him it doesn't work for me.

I haven't lost any weight even though I've been doing it multiple times a day.

Guy says to a receptionist at the clinic.

Guy: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself, the nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: I understand sir, but this is the sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here....

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

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When people at work ask me, "What's up?!", I always reply naturally, with... "Same shit, different day!".

They always seem delighted, but I'm sittin' over here with one pair of underwear and a clothes washer that doesn't work!

My sister has this new guy

Totally bald, sleeps all day, if he's not sleeping he screams at her, she gotta cook his food, he doesn't work, doesn't clean (actually, he mostly just causes a huge mess), doesn't do anything, but she really loves him.

I have no idea what makes people love babies.

Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.


The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.


The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.

I tried it... It doesn't work!!

However they have stopped squeaking.

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