My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen.

We call it LAARPing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

(Work in progress)What do you call a bunch of ravens pretending to be crows?

A conspiracy to commit murder!

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

So the other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

What do you call a noodle pretending to be someone else

An impasta

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

Daddy's gonna eat your fingers.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Da...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo..

..it was at that moment I knew I needed to put my foot down.

A middle class couple wanted to takeout their leftover food in a restaurant

The food served in this restaurant was so good that they kept coming back to dine there and finishing every dish they ordered.


One day they weren't able to finish one, but it was so good that they didn't want to waste it. They wanted to have the restaurant package up their leftover for ...

If duct taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one's ear and pretending it's a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe—

hang on... I've gotta take this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we all please stop pretending Nazi jokes are funny?

They are Hitlerious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two doctors in a psychiatric hospital.

Two doctors get assigned to take care of a psychiatric hospital. They get in the main hall and see all the patients imagining they drive cars. However, one of the patients was just staying there like a normal guy, and also looked like he was reluctant to the other guys behaviour. The doctor assume h...

I’ve spent the past few days pretending to be a Shetland pony, but I think I’m losing my voice.

I’m currently a little horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.

I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.

3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Sti...

Someone pretending to be a painter told a very convincing story and stole your Mexican food. What happened?

You’ve been hit by a chili-con-artist

I just found out a coworker was just pretending to be my friend.

He was a placebro.

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pretending to be married

A man and a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.

The man on the top bunk and the lady on the bottom bunk.

During the night, man woke and asked “Sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet to get me the 2nd blanke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her husband.

Every night, the husband farts in his sleep. His farts were so loud and disgusting that, most nights, she couldn't sleep at night.

One day, she tries to tell him "honey, please stop farting in bed. It's hard to sleep when just as I'm about to get some rest I hear this sudden *POOMPH* from yo...

I told my girlfriend to stop pretending to be 13 because it's creepy and pointless

She'll be thirteen next month anyways

To the people comparing Rachel Dolezal pretending to be black to Caitlyn Jenner being trans...

Transrachel isn't the same as transjenner.

A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra.

But he was spotted.

What's the difference between Caitlyn Jenner and a 6 year old pretending to be a T-Rex?

The 6 year old never killed anyone with a car

Did you hear about the guy swindling women by pretending to be Christian Grey

Turns out he was a Con Dom.

What do you call a small group of terrorists pretending to be janitors?

A sweeper cell.

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