The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

Boss: ok everyone we have to make a sacrifice to meet the deadline and put all hands on deck

5 minutes later *boss is on vacation*

Say what you like about the Make a Wish Foundation...

At least they work to deadlines.

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

Why did the chef miss his deadline?

He ran out of thyme.

Job ad: Position of a psychic at large international corporation open ($1M/annually)

Submit your application and cover letter you know where. The deadline is you know when.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A timely joke

All of the college students were sent home due to the pandemic, but their classes continued online. Two friends were working together on their group project from their respective homes in New York (Mike) and California (Tony).

Mike: hey man, we missed the deadline to submit the group report, ...

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

I'm reading a book about meeting deadlines.

I should have finished it a week ago.

To survive is to procrastinate death,

but in the end there is always a deadline.

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

I love deadlines.

I love the whoosing sound they make as they go by.

What do you call a Jedi who worries about not making deadlines?

Panickin' Skywalker.

It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...

They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.

After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfort...

Jack was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that she had a good news and a bad news.

Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."

What do you call a girl who did not register in time for the beauty contest?

Miss Deadline.

What do you call wanting to get rich within your life time?

Setting a deadline.

Doctor gave me 3 months to live...

I'm so lazy I missed the deadline, that was 4 months ago.

A genetic botanist doesn't show up to the church picnic.

Her concerned husband finds her in her lab working feverishly on a new pesticide resistant strain of maize.

"Aren't you coming to the congregation picnic?". He asks.

"Screw them and their impossible deadlines! They told me I have until today to get the corn bred!"

I have a lot of work to do in the morgue today.

There's a new deadline I need to meet.

Calvin had a mean teacher.

So when he missed a deadline for an assignment, Calvin begged for an extension.

The teacher said, “No, I’m giving you a zero, Calvin.”

Calvin replied, “You are absolutely cold.”

I get plenty of exercise.

I'm frequently jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

The best joke I've ever heard from a teacher

The final paper is due for a large class at Harvard, worth 50% of the grade. The professor has made it very clear that the paper must be turned in by 2 P.M. on the dot. He stands at his office door as 2 PM approaches, collecting papers from the last few stragglers. As the clock strikes 2, he turns t...

Mark is bowled

Mark was juggling with deadlines and couldn't make it to the hospital for his wife's delivery. They were regular to the hospital and it had an automated response service for regular patients. Anxious about his wife and the kid, he picked up his phone and texted '5444 1'.

Unfortunately, Mark ...

What do we want!?

Megaphone holder: What do we want!?


Mob: EXTENDED DEADLINES FOR PROCRASTINATORS!


Megaphone holder: When do we want it?!


Mob: LATER!

Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife tells him she'd like to go on vacation...[NSFW]

And he's like "i can't, work, projects, deadlines" so she goes on vacation by herself.
She leaves and comes back with a brand new car, jewelry, and a stash of cash.

He asks her how did you get all this money? She's like " I gave blowjobs and earned enough for all this".

"Oh come ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Toothbrush Salesman

A guy loses his job and is really down on his luck. He searches everywhere, but can't seem to find any work.

After a few weeks he see's a classified in the newspaper looking for a salesman. He applies and is scheduled for an interview.

When he gets to the interview, he meets his pote...

Why was the zombie in such a rush to get to his book signing?

He had deadlines to meet

I went out last night with a group of enthusiastic weavers.

Unfortunately they had to rush off to meet a looming deadline.

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