UPJOKE
accommodatesuitgoagreesetfulfillsatisfysuitableappropriatefulfilsuitedmatchcheckmotorizebe

An elderly gentleman with severe hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month, he goes back for a checkup.  The doctor asks him how things are going now
that he can hear everything, and wonders if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet.  I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I'...

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Grandma

Grandma's getting a little hard to understand in her old age. "Ma", we said, "you may be getting dyslexia."

"Lysdexia?", she said, "Don't be diriculous."

We had to put our foot down when she got on the phone to order fitted sheets.

I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50."

I thought “Why would anyone pay to see that?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

A man went into a music shop

A man went into a music shop looking for a new instrument.

The owner introduced him to a lot of different instruments: flutes, trumpets, drums and guitars but none of them caught the man's interest.

The man nearly gives up when he spots a saxophone hanging in the corner. He tries it an...

Fitted sheets were the original USB plug

You put it on and it’s wrong. You turn it once and it’s still wrong. You turn it back and then it’s right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man with fives penises?

His underpants fitted him like a glove

I bought this old Russian car from a guy down the street from me... Little did I know it was fitted with a bomb and warning sound.

The explosion was like Lada-bing, Lada-Boom.

I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

A knight was about to ride off into battle.

Afraid that his wife would be unfaithful, he fitted her with a chastity belt. He gave the key to his best friend, telling him that he was the only person he could trust.

The knight rode off, and an hour later he heard the sound of galloping hoofbeats behind him. His friend rode up next to ...

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

- Hey, Ben! What happened to you? You went abroad, right?

Ben: That was the plan but it didn't push through.

John: But why? What happened?

Ben: They beat me inside the ...

My girlfriend suggested we get soundproof walls fitted in our bedroom.

It will stop the neighbours complaining about our snoring.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.