Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet!!

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

- Hey, Ben! What happened to you? You went abroad, right?

Ben: That was the plan but it didn't push through.

John: But why? What happened?

Ben: They beat me inside the ...

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a banging sound system fitted into my car.

Might make my job as a hearse driver more entertaining.

My girlfriend suggested we get soundproof walls fitted in our bedroom.

It will stop the neighbours complaining about our snoring.

My parents just fitted a really noisy stairlift at home.

It drives me up the wall.

Joe goes to prom

Joe has had a crush on Ashley since fourth grade but never said anything. Prom is coming up and she recently broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been dating since freshman year. Joe decided that if he was going to make a move it was now or never. He worked up the courage to go up to Ashley and as...

A Boyfriend and Girlfriend are Going to Their High School Prom

A boyfriend and a girlfriend are getting ready to go to their high school prom. They're making plans and the girlfriend realizes that the boyfriend hasn't rented his tux, gotten the corsage, and ordered the limo.

"Don't worry the boy says I'll take care of it."

The boy goes to the tail...

A guy walks into a tailor shop.

He tells the tailor he needs to be fitted for a tux. The tailor starts to measure him, and the guy asks "What are you doing?" The tailor says "I'm measuring you to get the right fit." The guy exclaims "I'll do that part myself." So the tailor says "Fine, suit yourself."

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors saved his life, but he lost one eye. Before a nice glass one could be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.

Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pirate walks into the bar...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!!"

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe’s headache

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A man was arrested for hunting without a license...

The judge said, "I see this is your third offense. You never learn. I'm going to give you a punishment you'll remember. I hereby sentence you to wear a deer costume and wait on all fours for a hunter to come by. You'll have a ball gag in your mouth, so you'll understand how the deer feel, as you won...

Santa goes to his dentist..

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.


"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"


The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"


"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful holla...

I was a secretary in an office...

And one of my coworkers, Herald, had a beautiful parakeet that he kept on his table in his office cubby. It was named "Dimes" after his love of small shiny objects.

Anyways at the office one day, I get a call from Herald's table and it was the parakeet. He was tired of being the only one in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several researchers began a study on linguistics,

Relating to common speech patterns.

The scientists running the study gathered up 10 average people, to take notes and research how the spoke in every day Life.

All the participants we're fitted with microphones that they were to wear around, so their vernacular could be recorded and ...

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

I have lost my wife. She went shopping and hasn’t returned!

Policeman: What is the ladies height sir?

Husband: Height? I’m not sure, I’ve never measured her.

Policeman: Is she a slim or a large lady sir?

Husband: She’s sort of average I’d say.

Policeman: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Sort of bluey-green I suppose.

Pol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man with five dicks?

His boxers fitted like a glove

Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy asks the girl of his dreams to prom.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Just the sight of her turned his stomach into a butterfly exhibit and caused his heart to melt through his chest. She was the sweetest, funniest, and nicest girl he had ever met. She was truly an angel. However, as is the case with most guys when try...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate joke

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were ...

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A visual joke...

So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.

The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the pr...

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?

Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there...

SPOILER ALERT:

I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

Hearing Better Now

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialis...

Nobody's gonna get this but...

When Robert Bork died, he found himself at the pearly gates where St. Peter stood smiling.

"Mr. Bork! Welcome to Heaven! You're going to love it here! Now, what would you like to do? Sleep for a few years? Eat?"

"Well, that's awfully nice, St. Peter, but I've always loved being of se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girl at the bar.

When I first met my husband, he told me about a poor girl he met and accidentally embarrassed when he was out drinking one night.

I guess he thought she was cute and asked her to dance, but she refused while all of her friends went off dancing with other guys. He bought her a beer and after ...

A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.

The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his t...

So this guy is getting ready for prom

and is trying to get up the nerve to ask the cutest girl in school to the dance. After a day or so he finally musters up the courage and asks her and she says yes! He's bouncing with excitement and starts planning to get ready for prom in a few weeks.

Later that week he goes by the local flo...

It was almost prom season...

So it was almost prom season, and this guy was thinking about asking a girl to be his date. First he went to the craft store, because nowadays you have to be crazy and extravagant to ask someone to prom, just asking is too lame. Once he finally gets all of his stuff together, he goes to pay, and the...

Sammy just bought a new pair of pants.

He's explaining to Dean that these pants were specially fitted for dancing.

"Ballroom?" Dean asks.

"Not much," Sammy replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once this circus performer who could eat anything, and would do so for his act.

His best trick was when he would eat several pillows and pillowcases, a comforter, a fitted sheet, a regular sheet, and a mattress all in one sitting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t preform the stunt often as the immense amount of fiber would block him up for nearly a month. After about three weeks of p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in to a hospital

And says to the doctor "I have five penises". The doctor asked him how his pants fitted. "Like a glove" he replied.

A kid works up the nerve to ask his crush to prom...

And first he must buy the tickets. So he heads to the ticket line and waits for about a half hour until he reaches the front and finally buys two tickets for him and his date.

Then he has to buy a tuxedo, so he heads over to the tux shop but due to prom season, it is overflowing with customer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] On a midnight train to Georgia...

A man and a woman, total strangers, find themselves sharing the same double bunk-bed passenger cabin on the 10:15 PM Amtrack express to Atlanta due to a mix-up at the ticket office.

It's the middle of winter. There's frost on the window, and the shitty Amtrak maintenance means the heat is ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny lost his eye in a tragic accident

But being from a very poor family, he was unable to get a glass replacement. Instead, he was fitted with a wooden eye, which ruined what there was of his high school social life. No one would talk to him, and he had no friends. Finally senior year rolled around, and he found himself alone in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always get a second opinion

One day a man went to see his doctor complaining about severe migraine headaches.

After a long examination the doctor told the man that somehow his balls were pressing very tightly against the base of his spine and this was causing the man to have migraine headaches. The doctor concluded the ...

So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas

and she went to the doctor and she said, "This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?" He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a h...

Punch

A guy and his girlfriend are getting ready for prom, by searching the Internet for the perfect dress and suit. Finally, on the day of the prom, they are satisfied. They drive downtown to buy their new clothes. Unfortunately, many of their classmates also waited until the last minute, and there is to...

So a guy goes to his dentist...

...to get some a prosthetic plate fitted. Well, a month or so later he goes back. The new plates just don't feel like they are sitting correctly and feel as if they are a little loose. His dentist takes a look and asks, "Have you been eating anything particularly acidic?"

"Well... my wife doe...

Kids going to prom

So there was kid that was going to prom with his high school girlfriend. They had been together since freshman year. He was captain of the football team; she was head of the cheer squad. So, about a week before senior prom, the kid is getting everything ready. He goes to rent a tuxedo from the tux s...

Prom needed to be perfect...

And it shaping up to be just that for Johnny.
He was going to prom with the prettiest girl in school and it would be a night to remember, he just had to do a few things beforehand.

Johnny went to get his tuxedo first and found the perfect tux, so he went to get it fitted. He waited in th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.