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Curtains Jokes

A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.

The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl sa...

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my
computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies:

"But madam, computers do not have curtains...".

And the blonde said:

"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!"

An engineer, a mathematician and an economist go on a work interview

First up is the engineer. The employer asks him what is 2+2 is?
The engineer a little confused answer 4 of course.
The employer thanks him and calls in the mathematician.
Again, he asks what 2+2 is?
The mathematician states that with high certainty it’s around 4.
The em...

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

What did the curtains ask the suicidal man?

Wanna hang later?

Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. What should I do?

Pull yourself together.

A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains'

'Pull yourself together man!' Replies the Doctor

Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains?

To catch a Peek-at-you

Going to buy curtains for my PC, you know why?

It has windows.

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

Last night I massaged my wife

Italian: Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French: Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 20 minutes.

Indian : That's nothing. Last ni...

I told my dad the shower curtains were broken

He said “no one would want to see you anyway”






damn

What's the difference between myself and curtains.

The curtains aren't going to hang themselves.

(This joke brought to you by the Epstein Family. Epstein: We aren't gonna hang ourselves.)

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Russian guys buys a car, curtains, and a bed

A russian guy always dreamed of living in The UK, but he had a one problem.. he couldn't say a word in english.. so as a genius he was he decided that he will go to the shops, he will listen to people calling and naming certain things and he'll call'em same. So at the car shop he buys a car and he...

I was shocked when I came home and saw that the curtains were drawn.

Luckily the rest of the furniture was real.

In Soviet Russia you don't iron curtains.

Iron Curtains you.

" Doctor, doctor I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm a pair of curtains!."

"For God's sake man, just go home and pull yourself together"

Did you know Michael Jacksons curtains lit on fire?

He was shades lighter after that...

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I've woken up everyday, opened the curtains to find a German shepherd taking a on my lawn..

And this morning the cheeky brought his dog with him.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into a set of curtains.

She said I should pull myself together.

We should really thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president " on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.

Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The urine was the Vice Presidents".

The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"

Th...

My neighbors have really overgrown trees in their yard and keep their curtains down all the time

I think that's pretty shady

What do you call an antivirus made for windows

Curtains

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

Moth Inspector

A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks ...

Accountant Joke

The CEO of a large corporation called his directors for a meeting. He asked the director of development, "Mr. Jones, what is two plus two?"

Mr. Jones, looking a bit confused, replied, "Two plus two is four, Sir."

The CEO said, "Ya, that\`s what I thought you would say." Then he asked...

Operation Tory

A Tory MP woke up in hospital after a serious operation and found that the curtains around him were drawn. He called for a nurse and asked "why are the curtains closed, Is it night"?
The nurse replied "No it's just that there's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operat...

My wife walked in to our bedroom in a huff earlier after coming out the shower

“Dave, can you remember to shut the curtains please, I’m getting changed and the neighbours can see in” she said angrily.

“Don’t worry babe”, I replied. “If the neighbours see you naked they’ll be sure to shut their own curtains”

So that’s why I’m sleeping in the car tonight.

I’ve been trying to paint my windows.

But instead I might just draw the curtains.

An old lady phoned the police about her neighbour stripping off in his bedroom with light on and curtains open, the police came round and checked, they said but mam there is a tree blocking the view you cannot see his bedroom window, she replied.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

Yo mama so fat

When she took her pants to the dry cleaners the lady said, "we don't do curtains."

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My wife got so mad when I looked her straight in the eyes during

I should have just closed the curtains

The local blind man came to my house today.

But after a short look through the catalogue I’ve decided to stick with curtains.

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.


"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."


"Why's that, Clem?"


"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love ...

A Woman Was Redecorating Her House

But when it came time to choose her window curtains, she was torn between two different shades of blue. One set was a darker shade - which matched the sofa, and the other was a lighter shade - which matched the chair. No matter how she tried to justify one over the other, she could not come to a dec...

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An Italian, a Thai and a Jew are discussing lubricants.

The Italian says: "I am using olive oil from an ancient family grove. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for 10 minutes after we are done."

The Thai says: "I am using coconut oil made from cocnuts grown on a secret island. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for a...

A telltale symptom of COVID-19 is the loss of taste.

So when my sister suddenly decided to buy plaid curtains, I checked her into the hospital immediately.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know they always say, 'if you like it then you should put a ring on it,'" he comments to the bartender. "I must really like shower curtains," the bartender replies.

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, C...

Why was the Berlin Wall took down?

It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

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An old one my dad used to tell...

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day, and the agents like "good news! I got you a part in a play! It's only one line, but it's the opener and could be your big shot! Okay so the line is..

'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'..
Got that? 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar"

...

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A Husband suggested his wife be more vocal during .

‪"I'd love to hear some moaning to turn me on he said" His wife said ok.‬

‪Later in bed wife remembered her promise, "That lamp shade needs dusting, the paint on the ceiling is starting to peel off, the curtains need washing.”‬

Peeping Tom

Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" asked his friend. "No," said Bob.

"That's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No," said Bob. "She got mad when ...

That was a great birthday party I went to last night.

Nice looking women, great food, good music. Everyone just having a good time

And they didn't even notice me staring in through the crack in the curtains.

Two guys meet in heaven after their death. One asks the other:

\- "So, how did you die?"

\- "I died from cold. I got frozen" answers the other and asks "How about you? What happened to you?"

\- "I died from laughing too much" - answers the other.

The second guy gets confused and asks: "What do you mean? How could you die from laughing?"...
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