UPJOKE
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A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation....

and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntl...

True story: Wife asked the 7yo, "Do you have any girlfriends at school?"

7yo, "No, just 'personal complications'."

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The Moth and the Podiatrist

A podiatrist finishes up with his last patient of the day when in walks a moth.

The podiatrist says, “I’m just about to close up for the night, but I don’t have much going on. What seems to be the matter?”

The moth says, “Everything, Doc. I’m thinking of killing myself. The company I’v...

What do you call complications during chidbirth

A midwife crisis.

I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed.

It must have come out wrong.

Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes

And It cost me an arm and a leg.

I would never vaccinate my own child because of all the complications

Thats why I leave it to the certified medical professionals to do it.

My Mother-In-Law asked how Charles Manson died, and I responded, "Complications with dementia". To which she replied...

"I thought he was demented his whole life. Why is he having complications with it now??"

I made a gaffe about birth complications

Well, that came out wrong.

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Did you see on the news the boy who was born with no eyelids?

The doctors rushed him to emergency surgery for his circumcision and immediately replaced his eyelids with his foreskin in a miraculous surgery. The doctor was praised and during an interview stated "the boy is going to be just fine, we don't see any major complications in his future however he may ...

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

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A kid was born with no eye lids

And the parents ask the doctor what could he do to fix him. The doctor examined the child and saw that he was a boy. The doctor smiled and told the parents they are in luck! Why is that the mom asks? Because I can take some of your babies foreskin and fashion eye lids. The dad asked if there would b...

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

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A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot

with three bullets to her womb. Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

A man is sitting in the waiting room of a hospital.

He is visibly nervous. Can't stop biting his nails. He's sweating like a pig. Finally, a doctor comes to greet him.

"Your wife is doing okay, sir. Congratulations: you just became a father."

The man has never been so happy in his whole life.
"Actually, sir" says the doctor, "there h...

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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

There was a support group for parents who had lost their children.

Every week, many would gather to share the horrible trauma they had experienced: Terminal illness, accidents, and other birth complications. However, there was one man who always came in on the same day for the past four years. He would always say the same thing: "Today would have been my son's birt...

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

Me as a doctor...

“There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball”
Patient: “Seriously?”
*shake his head. “All signs point to yes”

Short lived

A man wakes up from induced coma after a surgery and finds the doctor sitting by his bed.

"Doctor, was the surgery a success? " - He asks.

"Well there's been a bit of a complication" answers the doctor, "you only have 5 to live".

Panicked, the man asks: "Five what? Years? Months...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

The local hospital hired a Roman nurse!

Complications arose when the IV was issued to bed #4.

There was a man named Johnny who had a cat.

He loved the cat more than anything, and when he was going on vacation he decided to leave the cat with his brother, Max.

A few days into the vacation, Jonny calls his brother to check in on the cat. “The cat is dead,” replies Max.

Johnny is devastated. “How could you break the news ...

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A couple get into a bad car crash...

... which ends them up in the hospital. The man comes to in the ER and starts calling out for his wife. The doctors come in and calm him down a bit. They explain to him that he's been in an accident and that his wife was in surgery. The surgeon came in and said "Look, we had some complications. Your...

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