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End Up Jokes

Two Canadians End up in Hell...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan...

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.


Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

If I ever end up on life support unplug me...

then plug me back in again, see if that works.

3 guys end up at the pearly gates...

St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley D...

Where did the guinea pig end up when it came out of the closet?

Gnawnia

How did John Travolta end up in the hospital.?

He slipped in Grease.

Why did the vampire end up in the insane asylum?

He had turned batty.

I'd make a political joke but it would just end up being elected president

Ba Dum Tss

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3 Men end up marooned on an island

On the island they find a tribe of cannibals. They say they will let the men live if they complete a task. What they must do is go out into the forest and collect 10 of a type of fruit. The first man comes back with 10 apples. They tell the man he must shove all 10 apples up his butt without making ...

Where did the drunk owl end up?

Owlcoholics Hoooononymous.

Ironically my ex-wife ended up in rehab for alcohol abuse less than a month after coming up with and telling her this joke.

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

Why did bullet end up losing his job?

Because he got fired

Two old men, close to their last days, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel...

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the ...

How does a musician end up with $1,000,000?

They start with $2,000,000.

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Why did Hitler end up in heaven?

He killed the wurst man of the 20th century.

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Every time I tell a joke, I end up shitting myself.

But my humor has always tended to be a little self-defecating.

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How do drugs end up in prison?

They get smuggled in by some asshole.

How did a Chinese guy end up with a Tamil name

I recently met a Chinese man in Toronto and got to know that his name was Kandaswami.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter......

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

Where does bad light end up?

In prism.

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

Trump may end up being a one-timer...

But it sure as hell felt like 8 years.

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.

In the horse world, how do you end up with millions?

Start with billions...

My family owns a horse. This joke hits a little too close to home.

How do you end up with 96?

When two dyslexics hook up

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All my relationships end up with the girl calling me gay.

I'm like that's fine its not like I ever liked you anyway.

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A homeless, a homosexual and a drunk guy end up in heaven

God comes to them, points at the homeless and says:

-I will give all of you another shot, but if you ever take even a coin without earning it, my lightning will strike you

Then he points at the drunk guy:

-If you ever drink alcohol again, same will happen to you

Then he p...

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

Three women die and end up in heaven

Three women named Jo, Rochelle, and Mae arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by St Peter.

Peter: “welcome ladies, Jo please come in first.” No walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits her.

Peter: “Here Jo, my records show me that you have never cheated on your...

On their way to a summit, both Reagan and Gorbachev end up in car crashes, knocking them both into comas.

Ten years later, they wake up in adjacent rooms in the hospital, a screen separating the rooms but allowing them to see and hear each other. Both are curious about how the world changed in their absence, so Reagan asks for a copy of the New York Times, and Gorbachev asks for a copy of Pravda.
...

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Why did the charitable prostitute end up homeless?

He blew all of his money away.

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"The best things in life aren't forced. Force something, and you'll likely end up with more than you bargained for."

No one knows who this quote is from, but most agree that it was probably just some asshole

Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement?

Because he was the Lawn Order president

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Every time I urinate, I end up masturbating.

I never know if I'm coming or going.

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital?

Because he stopped making scents

“How did the car end up in the living room?”

A furious father asks his son. “Simple,” the boy replies. “I made a right at the kitchen.”

Michaelangelo, Albert Einstein, and George W. Bush die and end up at heaven's gate...

Michaelangelo walks up to the gate and St. Peter tells him. "Listen, we have had some recent intruders faking who they were. Is there any way you can prove that you are the real Michaelangelo?"

Michaelangelo requests a board and he then proceeds to draw the most beautiful painting ever seen b...

"So how did you end up getting pregnant ?"

" well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn't work ".

50 percent of people who buy tickets to see The Cure actually end up watching Placebo

And they enjoy it just as much.


(It's a Gary Delaney, for anyone who's interested)

A peeping tom fell out if a tree, where did he end up?

In the ICU

When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,

I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day

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What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.

It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

A man meets a foreign girl, they flirt with each other, and end up sleeping with each other.

After the man came, he asked her 'you finish'?

She shook her head.

Dutifully the men got back to work, and after another round of lovemaking he asked her 'you finish?'

The girl shook her head again.

The man barely had any energy left, but continued the lovemaking none...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

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