UPJOKE
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A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

How did a Chinese guy end up with a Tamil name

I recently met a Chinese man in Toronto and got to know that his name was Kandaswami.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter......

How does a musician end up with $1,000,000?

They start with $2,000,000.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job

He got fired

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"The best things in life aren't forced. Force something, and you'll likely end up with more than you bargained for."

No one knows who this quote is from, but most agree that it was probably just some asshole

On their way to a summit, both Reagan and Gorbachev end up in car crashes, knocking them both into comas.

Ten years later, they wake up in adjacent rooms in the hospital, a screen separating the rooms but allowing them to see and hear each other. Both are curious about how the world changed in their absence, so Reagan asks for a copy of the New York Times, and Gorbachev asks for a copy of Pravda.
...

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

In the horse world, how do you end up with millions?

Start with billions...

My family owns a horse. This joke hits a little too close to home.

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A homeless, a homosexual and a drunk guy end up in heaven

God comes to them, points at the homeless and says:

-I will give all of you another shot, but if you ever take even a coin without earning it, my lightning will strike you

Then he points at the drunk guy:

-If you ever drink alcohol again, same will happen to you

Then he p...

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

3 guys end up at the pearly gates...

St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley D...

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Every time I tell a joke, I end up shitting myself.

But my humor has always tended to be a little self-defecating.

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All my relationships end up with the girl calling me gay.

I'm like that's fine its not like I ever liked you anyway.

"Hey, did you end up going to that exclusive dominatrix party?"

... oh, I guess that makes sense—most people weren't allowed to come

Trump may end up being a one-timer...

But it sure as hell felt like 8 years.

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Why did Hitler end up in heaven?

He killed the wurst man of the 20th century.

One side thinks it will end up like Judge Dredd, while the other side things it will be Demolition Man...

But the truth is, we are The Expendables.

Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement?

Because he was the Lawn Order president

A man meets a foreign girl, they flirt with each other, and end up sleeping with each other.

After the man came, he asked her 'you finish'?

She shook her head.

Dutifully the men got back to work, and after another round of lovemaking he asked her 'you finish?'

The girl shook her head again.

The man barely had any energy left, but continued the lovemaking none...

Two old men, close to their last days, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel...

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the ...

If I ever end up on life support unplug me...

then plug me back in again, see if that works.

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

How do you end up with 96?

When two dyslexics hook up

I'd make a political joke but it would just end up being elected president

Ba Dum Tss

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

Where does bad light end up?

In prism.

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

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Prisoners escape, end up at old ladies house... With a twist.

These 3 prisoners escape from jail and ran to the nearest house. They knock on a door and a sweet old lady walks out.

Lady: Hello

Prisoner 1: Lady please let us inside. PLEASE.

Prisoner 2: There are cops are outside searching for us.

Lady: Well ok, only on one condition.<...

Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital?

Because he stopped making scents

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

Three women die and end up in heaven

Three women named Jo, Rochelle, and Mae arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by St Peter.

Peter: “welcome ladies, Jo please come in first.” No walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits her.

Peter: “Here Jo, my records show me that you have never cheated on your...

A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions. Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of God, they began to talk.

The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

The monk says that it was also lucky that h...

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How do drugs end up in prison?

They get smuggled in by some asshole.

“How did the car end up in the living room?”

A furious father asks his son. “Simple,” the boy replies. “I made a right at the kitchen.”

Many pilots end up using drugs...

Its easy for them to get high.

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

Michaelangelo, Albert Einstein, and George W. Bush die and end up at heaven's gate...

Michaelangelo walks up to the gate and St. Peter tells him. "Listen, we have had some recent intruders faking who they were. Is there any way you can prove that you are the real Michaelangelo?"

Michaelangelo requests a board and he then proceeds to draw the most beautiful painting ever seen b...

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Every time I urinate, I end up masturbating.

I never know if I'm coming or going.

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Why did the charitable prostitute end up homeless?

He blew all of his money away.

It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......

I at least hope they separate us by music genre.

When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,

I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head die and end up in heaven

They are greeted by St. Peter outside the gates of heaven.

St. Peter says: ‘To pass you must tell me one truth about yourself. But If you lie, you will be sent to hell.’

The Red head walks up to him and says:
‘I’m the pretties girl in the world’

St. Peters snaps his fingers...

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

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A son is hesitating between 2 jobs so he asks his dad which one he should choose so he won’t end up in shit

Son: Dad, I don’t know what to choose dentist or construction worker

Dad: if you’re a dentist you’re okay, if you’re a construction worker it depends
Either you work on top of the building or on the ground

If you’re on the ground it’s okay, if you’re on the top it depends
Either ...

"So how did you end up getting pregnant ?"

" well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn't work ".

It's always a sad day when I end up having to boil water.

It will be mist.

Someone recently said to me, "Next time I see you, I'm gonna beat you so bad you'll end up in the hospital."

So I said to him, "Not if ICU first."

A peeping tom fell out if a tree, where did he end up?

In the ICU

Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...

But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.

Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels.

Because it's boring.

A couple have a terrible accident and they both end up blind

The guy turns to his girlfriend and whispers in her ear:
I'm sorry, but we can't see each other anymore.

Just realized my poorly-upvoted posts end up being the answer to "what did the driver do at the race track?"

[erased]

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