UPJOKE
southernsouthwestsoutheastsouthwardsoutherlyconfederacygeorgiadixienortheastwestsouthboundsoutheasterlydirectionmississippi

South Jokes

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?

They have no Seoul .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

It’s too far to walk.

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translated joke from a south Asian language.

I tried my best. I'm pulling this from memory. Changed a lot of stuff, and added a buttload of new things to make this seem as normal as possible. Enjoy!

> The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a ...

I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea.

I think he might be my Seoulmate

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

What is South Korea’s most popular rock band?

Lee Kim Park

Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

A Brit, American and South African Joke

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an Ameri...

What did the first Vice President of South Africa say after joining the French Resistance?

"It is I! Deklerk!"

How do people from the South respond to emails?

Reply Y’all!

I’ve Started My South American Emo Band

I’m calling it Hispanic! at the Disco.

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

How south is South Africa?

South AF

What do you call a mobile phone company that doesn't like South Korean cars?

Nokia

I'll see myself it out

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

Syngman Rhee was a South Korean politician who served as the first president of South Korea from 1948 to 1960.

Apologies if you're sick of Rhee posts.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Southern Charm

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether ...

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

Did you know that they're rebooting the Teletubbies in South-East Asia?

At first I'd read that it was due to be set in Vietnam, but then I realised that it was a Thai Po.

How do they drive in South Wales?

Very Caerphilly.

Y'know, I could have sworn South Africa had apartheid.

Is this the Mandela Effect?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do rednecks from the South & assholes from Boston have in common?

They both hate the Yankees!

Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A televangelist at a mega-church down south was on stage, collecting money from the faithful and promising them he could help anyone.

A young man left the audience and came up on the stage and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. The televangelist starting chanting and took the young man by his shoulders and shook him. Then he cupped his hands over the young man's ears and said some more incantations and finally shoute...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birth Control In The South

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

Why don't they do reverse cowgirl in the South?

Because you never turn your back on family.

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

Two oilfield workers from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas...

They went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.
 

The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.
 

The roughneck rolled down the window and *WHACK* - the trooper smacked him in t...

Dwayne Johnson wants to move to a peninsula south of Spain.

He wants to be the Rock of Gibraltar.

Two Scottish ducks were flying south..

The first duck says:
- Quack.

The second duck says:
- Am flyin as quack as I can!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.


After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will mak...

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York. At the same time in South Texas is getting a blow job from a 85 year old lady. What are both men thinking?

Don't look down.

Hey did you guys know South America is getting overpopulated?

Yea, there’s like a brazilian people there.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

A north Keoran soldier defected to the south….

When he was being debriefed he was asked why he decided to defect.

The soldier simply said that he fancied a change of Korea

A South Korean asks a North Korean “How’s life?”

The North Korean responds “Well, I can’t complain.”

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

What's the difference between a Tornado, and a divorce in the south?

Nothing. Somebody is losing a trailer.
-Robin Williams

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

A Zimbabwean man, a Malian man, an Equatorial Guinean man, and a South African man, were all walking down the street.

They came up on a street performer, who asked if he was visible.

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

A fellow from the Midwest has to spend Christmas in the deep South.

He's there on business, and he misses the snow. He tries to cheer himself up by walking around looking at a Christmas crèche ( a tableau representing the Nativity scene ). He's shocked to see that the three wise men are dressed as firemen, in hats and boots and slickers. He asks a passerby why in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife really wants to have sex on the South Pole

I didn’t know she was into expeditionism

A South African policeman pulls over another South African for speeding and driving wrecklessly

The policeman asks the driver to pull down his window.

The driver complies and large puff of weed escapes the car.

The officer shakes his head and asks:
“sir, how high are you?”

The driver immediately responds:
“ no sir, it’s hi, how are you”

and drives off

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

What do you call South American ladies that are into scat?

Latrinas

The South will rise again...

...Because it has nowhere to go but up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of 5 in an Audi Quattro are driving through the south of Italy.

They stop for a ferry to Sicilia. A worker tells them to stop.

The driver says, "Why should we stop?"

The worker replies with, "You know, its illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.

D (driver): Why?

W(worker): Quattro means 4. There are 5 of you, one will have to stay behi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

So I was visiting South Korea but I forgot my phone and I had no map.

It was a true Seoul searching journey.

Why is gambling banned in South Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

TIL 69 originated in a city in the south of France

Nice

Why do women like south american candles?

They're a brazilian wax

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I heard on South Park today

When the Milk Man brought the lady her milk, she invited him in and then stripped off all her clothes. Standing there naked, she told the Milk Man to take the milk and fill the bathtub with it. The Milk Man asked the woman "Do you want it pasteurized?" "No", the lady said, "just up to my boobs."

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

Why is the south bad at calculus?

They don't know how to integrate.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

Boy gets engaged down south

Down South, a young man falls in love, and he rushes home to tell his Pappy about his new sweetheart.

Pappy sadly shakes his head back and forth and says, "Son, I hate to tell ya, but in mah youth, I sowed mah wild oats, and that girl is yer half-sister."

Brokenhearted, the young man c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

What do you call three rappers on the border of North and South Korea?

RUN-DMZ

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."

South of the border

You know what, I don't care what people say but south of the border there is the country with senseless violence, looting, drugs etc. that I would not dare to touch with a ten feet pole!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I am so happy I live in Canada!

South American dad joke.

Son: "I'm going to take the herd of llamas up to the pasture in the mountains."

Mom: "Thats a really far walk, you're gonna get hungry."

Dad: "Dont worry, alpaca lunch for him."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

TIL 50% of South Koreans have cataracts.

The other 50% drive Rincolns.

My wife said she slept with a man during her trip to South America.

I said, "I don't Bolivia."

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

What do you call a hippie's wife from the South?

Mississippi

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of...

There’s a saying in the South

If at first you don’t secede, ask for government help after and try again

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President o...

I don't like the climate in some South American countries

I find it a bit Chile

What's South of Bikini Bottom?

Thigh-land

In the south they dont have family trees...

It's more like a family ladder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

South American Stamps

So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outsi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

South American recycling

A Guyanese man is having breakfast one morning: coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Trinidadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Guyanese ignores the Trinidadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Trini: "You Guyanese folk eat the whole bread?"
Guyanese ...

I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.

It wasn’t great, but it was OK.

Speeding in the south

Years ago I was pulled over for speeding on the Atlanta connector. As he walked up to my window, I suppose the trooper didn't much like my Michigan license plates. "Son" he said, "no one goes tearing that fast through Atlanta"

I blinked. "Well.... Sherman did."

In which South African city was Batman originally from?

Capetown

Why does Kim Jong-un keep attacking South Korea?

Because he doesn't have Seoul?

Santa is only delivering presents to a city in the south of France of this year.

Apparently no one else is on the Nice list!

What is the smallest body of water in the South?

The gene pool.

A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South

He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to him

She asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"


He tips his hat and says, "No ma'm but your hats on crooked"

In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift...

Why did the man leave the south of France?

He had too much Toulouse

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retri...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.