UPJOKE
southernsouthwestsoutheastsouthwardconfederacygeorgiadixienortheastwestsouthbounddirectionmississippisouthwesterlytennessee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian

A north Keoran soldier defected to the south….

When he was being debriefed he was asked why he decided to defect.

The soldier simply said that he fancied a change of Korea

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

My wife said she slept with a man during her trip to South America.

I said, "I don't Bolivia."

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A South Carolina Highway Patrolman sees a car driving down the interstate with a New York licence plate

He thinks to himself 'Those Yankees must be doing something wrong.' He switches on his lights and sirens, then pulls the car over and walks up to the drivers side window, which is still raised. He taps on it with his nightstick, and the driver lowers it. As soon as the window is down, the patrolm...

Mt favorite naval joke!

**Americans**: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.









**Canadians**: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.






**Americans**: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship....

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

What do you call South American ladies that are into scat?

Latrinas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fun facts about England Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no one wants to be called Nosex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a trucker is driving down the road...

and he sees these two guys standing by the side of the road. He stops and they ask if they could have a ride to the next town over, so he lets them on, and they keep driving. A bit down the road, one of the guys asks,

"Hey is it ok if I pass some gas?"

The trucker thinks its a bit weir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.


The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentence...

Two explorers take a flight to one of the yet unexplored parts of the South American rainforests.

They enter the thicket but quickly get lost. After walking for many hours, without food at water, they finally spot a native inhabitant of one of the forests tribes. They quickly shout and make wild gestures until he notices them. After they slowly approach him, one of the explorers asks: “You nativ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

TIL 69 originated in a city in the south of France

Nice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys lost in the woods

Two hunters are lost in the woods and looking for a way back to town. As they wander through the forest they come upon train tracks. It's decided that one would follow it south, the other would follow north. If neither found civilization after five miles, they would turn around and meet back up.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 3 Vampires hanging out in the woods…

The first vampire tells the other 2 “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After that, the firs...

Bonus

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the...

Why is gambling banned in South Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.

It wasn’t great, but it was OK.

Why North Korea falling in love with South Korea?

Because South Korea has a beautiful Seoul

Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

What’s the one problem that everyone from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia have in common?

Living within continents.

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

When I was growing up in South Dakota we would go out and catch rabbits to give to the local brewery in exchange for cash.

Apparently they used them for the hops.

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

What’s the difference between a divorce and tornado in the south?

Nothing. Someone’s losing a trailer

How did Kim Kardashian explain to her daughter the reason why Kanye is acting this way?

“North, my relationship with West has gone totally South.”

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no on...

A man walks into a bank with a 100 dollar check he wants cashed.

The banker asks him if he wouldn't rather invest it?

"No." says the man. "I don't trust these banks more than I have too. If I give you my 100 dollars, what happens if the investment goes south? I'll lose everything."

"Well," says the banker with a paternal smile, "If that happens, all...

A South Korean asks a North Korean “How’s life?”

The North Korean responds “Well, I can’t complain.”

The South will rise again...

...Because it has nowhere to go but up

Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?

He’s now the pole vault champion of South Korea.

Thailand was having troubles trading with China.

China refused to accept Thailand's official currency, (the Baht) but the Thais noticed that China had no problem trading in South Korean Won.

So they made a plan to buy 3.2 trillion Won from Korea and use it as an official currency for international trade exchanges.

Unfortunately, it t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I heard on South Park today

When the Milk Man brought the lady her milk, she invited him in and then stripped off all her clothes. Standing there naked, she told the Milk Man to take the milk and fill the bathtub with it. The Milk Man asked the woman "Do you want it pasteurized?" "No", the lady said, "just up to my boobs."

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the 'Deep South'?

Anywhere else, it would have been called a 'teethbrush'

North Korea has declared a 'cultural war' on K-pop coming in from the South. They decided the best way to counter this would be to creat their own genre of music.

They have named it K-Boom.

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

Why do geese fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

How many people live in South America?

At least one Brazilian

What's a popular music genre in South Korea?

Seoul!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of 5 in an Audi Quattro are driving through the south of Italy.

They stop for a ferry to Sicilia. A worker tells them to stop.

The driver says, "Why should we stop?"

The worker replies with, "You know, its illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.

D (driver): Why?

W(worker): Quattro means 4. There are 5 of you, one will have to stay behi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies...

[LIGHTLY POLITICAL] North Korea is a horrible nation to its citizens, why can't it be more like South Korea?

Because North Korea has no Seoul.

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

Second to None

When the Second Division set up shop in South Korea, it did so with its slogan proudly displayed at the front gate: "Second to None". A few months later, a South Korean base opened two miles down the road. The sign greeting visitors read "You are now entering the famed sector of the South Korean ROK...

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Growing up in the south , my dad told me to never date a virgin

He told me if they ain't good enough for their family, then they aren't good enough for ours.

There’s a saying in the South

If at first you don’t secede, ask for government help after and try again

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive...

What would a neckbeard say to a South East Asian woman?

M'laysia

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.

On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South

He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to him

She asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"


He tips his hat and says, "No ma'm but your hats on crooked"

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple goes to a restaurant for the man's 100th birthday...

Dear GOD/GODS and/or anyone else who can HELP ME (e.g. TIME TRAVELERS or MEMBERS OF SUPER-INTELLIGENT ALIEN CIVILIZATIONS):

The next time I wake up, please change my physical form to that of FINN MCMILLAN formerly of SOUTH NEW BRIGHTON at 8 YEARS OLD and keep it that way FOREVER.

I am ...

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

Doctor Doolittle spies an unfamiliar crocodilian on a South American riverbank.

He calls out "I say! Are you a cayman?"

"Not bad, how 'bout you?" answers the croc.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which sex position is explicitly banned in the South?

Reverse Cowgirl.

Can't turn your back on family.

A South African policeman pulls over another South African for speeding and driving wrecklessly

The policeman asks the driver to pull down his window.

The driver complies and large puff of weed escapes the car.

The officer shakes his head and asks:
“sir, how high are you?”

The driver immediately responds:
“ no sir, it’s hi, how are you”

and drives off

A man enters a brothel...

he talks to the Madame and tells her:" I am an exceptional pervert, i have tried unimaginably disgusting acts, but now i have run out of ideas, do you have something disgusting and unusual for me?"
The Madame tells him to go to a room on the 2nd floor and talk to the girl there.
He goes to...

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.

"...Two chapels?"...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.