The 95+ Best South Jokes

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?

They have no Seoul .

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Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies...

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea.

I think he might be my Seoulmate

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

A televangelist at a mega-church down south was on stage, collecting money from the faithful and promising them he could help anyone.

A young man left the audience and came up on the stage and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. The televangelist starting chanting and took the young man by his shoulders and shook him. Then he cupped his hands over the young man's ears and said some more incantations and finally shoute...

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Translated joke from a south Asian language.

I tried my best. I'm pulling this from memory. Changed a lot of stuff, and added a buttload of new things to make this seem as normal as possible. Enjoy!

> The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a ...

Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

How do people from the South respond to emails?

Reply Y’all!

A Brit, American and South African Joke

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an Ameri...

I’ve Started My South American Emo Band

I’m calling it Hispanic! at the Disco.

A Zimbabwean man, a Malian man, an Equatorial Guinean man, and a South African man, were all walking down the street.

They came up on a street performer, who asked if he was visible.

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

Did you know that they're rebooting the Teletubbies in South-East Asia?

At first I'd read that it was due to be set in Vietnam, but then I realised that it was a Thai Po.

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What do rednecks from the South & assholes from Boston have in common?

They both hate the Yankees!

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

Y'know, I could have sworn South Africa had apartheid.

Is this the Mandela Effect?

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

Dwayne Johnson wants to move to a peninsula south of Spain.

He wants to be the Rock of Gibraltar.

Two oilfield workers from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas...

They went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.
 

The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.
 

The roughneck rolled down the window and *WHACK* - the trooper smacked him in t...

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

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It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of...

Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

So I was visiting South Korea but I forgot my phone and I had no map.

It was a true Seoul searching journey.

How do they drive in South Wales?

Very Caerphilly.

A fellow from the Midwest has to spend Christmas in the deep South.

He's there on business, and he misses the snow. He tries to cheer himself up by walking around looking at a Christmas crèche ( a tableau representing the Nativity scene ). He's shocked to see that the three wise men are dressed as firemen, in hats and boots and slickers. He asks a passerby why in th...

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A family of 5 in an Audi Quattro are driving through the south of Italy.

They stop for a ferry to Sicilia. A worker tells them to stop.

The driver says, "Why should we stop?"

The worker replies with, "You know, its illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.

D (driver): Why?

W(worker): Quattro means 4. There are 5 of you, one will have to stay behi...

Hey did you guys know South America is getting overpopulated?

Yea, there’s like a brazilian people there.

Syngman Rhee was a South Korean politician who served as the first president of South Korea from 1948 to 1960.

Apologies if you're sick of Rhee posts.

What's the difference between a Tornado, and a divorce in the south?

Nothing. Somebody is losing a trailer.
-Robin Williams

Why don't they do reverse cowgirl in the South?

Because you never turn your back on family.

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

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My wife really wants to have sex on the South Pole

I didn’t know she was into expeditionism

You know how this time of year birds fly south in those V shapes, but one side of V is longer than the other? Know why that is?

More birds

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

A South Korean asks a North Korean “How’s life?”

The North Korean responds “Well, I can’t complain.”

Apple is teaming up with a South Korean car manufacturer to produce a flat packed automobile.

They're going to call it the iKia.

A north Keoran soldier defected to the south….

When he was being debriefed he was asked why he decided to defect.

The soldier simply said that he fancied a change of Korea

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

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Birth Control In The South

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

Two Scottish ducks were flying south..

The first duck says:
- Quack.

The second duck says:
- Am flyin as quack as I can!

What do you call South American ladies that are into scat?

Latrinas

What do you call three rappers on the border of North and South Korea?

RUN-DMZ

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

TIL 69 originated in a city in the south of France

Nice

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

My wife said she slept with a man during her trip to South America.

I said, "I don't Bolivia."

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The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.

After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will mak...

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Fun facts about England Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no one wants to be called Nosex.

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

Santa is only delivering presents to a city in the south of France of this year.

Apparently no one else is on the Nice list!

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

What’s the one problem that everyone from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia have in common?

Living within continents.

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A joke I heard on South Park today

When the Milk Man brought the lady her milk, she invited him in and then stripped off all her clothes. Standing there naked, she told the Milk Man to take the milk and fill the bathtub with it. The Milk Man asked the woman "Do you want it pasteurized?" "No", the lady said, "just up to my boobs."

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

Two explorers take a flight to one of the yet unexplored parts of the South American rainforests.

They enter the thicket but quickly get lost. After walking for many hours, without food at water, they finally spot a native inhabitant of one of the forests tribes. They quickly shout and make wild gestures until he notices them. After they slowly approach him, one of the explorers asks: “You nativ...

What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

Why is gambling banned in South Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

When I was growing up in South Dakota we would go out and catch rabbits to give to the local brewery in exchange for cash.

Apparently they used them for the hops.

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.

It wasn’t great, but it was OK.

The South will rise again...

...Because it has nowhere to go but up

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

North Korea has declared a 'cultural war' on K-pop coming in from the South. They decided the best way to counter this would be to creat their own genre of music.

They have named it K-Boom.

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President o...

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.

They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.

Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

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Growing up in the south , my dad told me to never date a virgin

He told me if they ain't good enough for their family, then they aren't good enough for ours.

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

Why do geese fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!!

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A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.

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