A new widow is talking to the funeral director

She says, "Lying over there is my John, God rest his soul. And he's laid out in his favorite brown suit. I kept my promise to send him here with that suit, but he looks awful in brown."

"Here's $200. I want you to get him a blue suit for the viewing and funeral."

The undertaker says he...

Funeral director joke

A man died one day and his wife went to the funeral home to make the necessary arrangements. The funeral home director asked her if there's anything she thinks her husband would have wished for his funeral.

"Actually there is something", she said. "We've always had this plan that one day we'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a funeral director and a prostitute have in common?

They are both good at handling stiffs.

Today I passed my exams to be a funeral director

Shame it's a dying trade

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

A funeral director is standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump

Funeral Director: I'm ruined! My funeral directory business has gone bankrupt! I will lose my home, my wife, my kids. I'm RUINED!!! RUINED!!!!!!!! Okay... on three, I jump. One... two... thr-

Man: What are you doing?

Funeral director: I'm about to commit suicide. You?

Man: Also ...

Why do funeral directors hold most services before 12 pm?

Because they're mourning people.

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

Why did the funeral director cover his mouth?

he kept coffin

“You’re a funeral director? That must be quite the undertaking.”

Yes I make a killing!

Why did the nercophiliac-narcoleptic funeral director get fired?

Because he fell asleep in the job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The funeral director...

Schwartz dies and is brought to the local funeral home to be laid out.
The funeral director carts him in and begins to undress the body, but when he pulls off the man's pants- he can't believe what he sees! Mr. Schwartz has easily got the largest penis he's ever seen. I mean- HUGE!
"I can't ...

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

I was with a funeral director, planning my final arrangements. He asked me if I wanted to have a family viewing prior to the services.

I told him "Remains to be seen."

"The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director.

"And that includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

Walking past the funeral directors.

I was walking past the funeral directors the other day, and I looked in, and was shocked to see a large, hairy elephant in a black suit showing a family a head stone.

I thought to myself "That's a mammoth undertaking."

A grieving widow is speaking to a funeral director...

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."...

What is a funeral director’s favorite game?

Formaldehyde and go seek

A necromancer and a funeral director are at marriage counselling.

Counsellor: So, why are you guys here today?

Funeral Director: “He only wants me for my bodies!”

What did the funeral director do with Alan Turing's dead body?

He encrypted it

A funeral home director was meeting with a grieving widow

The funeral director was showing the widow the final touches they had done to her husband's corpse before the funeral the next day.

As the director was showing her the way they had put the finishing touches on and dressed up the deceased, the widow burst into tears.

The director,...

My 5th grade class took a field trip to a funeral home - the director told us this joke

Why do you always have an extra chair at a funeral?

For rigor mortis to set in.

Seriously....the funeral director told this joke to a bunch of 11 year olds.

An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

A man is making funeral arrangements...

He goes to the funeral director and plans his father's funeral very promptly. He tells the funeral director to make this a fancy funeral and to get the best of the best.

The funeral director writes up a quote and gives it to the man. The man pays in cash right then right there.

The fun...

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man wa...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

What is the busiest industry in the World?

Funeral Directors.

And they say it's a dying trade?

I finally popped the question! Everything was beautiful, music was playing, we were dressed to the nines. Her whole family was there! It felt like the perfect moment - She was so surprised!

So was the funeral director.

Donald Trump is on a state visit to Israel and dies of a heart attack.

The funeral director explains to the President’s entourage of diplomats that to fly the body back to the U.S. would cost $50 000 and to have him buried in Israel would cost just $100. The diplomats discuss amongst themselves. They then return to the funeral director and say they prefer to the return...

It's good to know that in these tough times, there's still someone doing hair, nails, and brows.

The Funeral Director.

Keep going outside for an early appointment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Granddad always lived in poverty and only ever owned one black suit,

he always used to tell my Mum that when he died he would like to be buried in a ‘blue suit’
Of course money was tight so that was never going to happen, anyway when he did finally pass away and he was resting in the funeral home wearing his ‘black suit’ my Mum told the funeral director the sad ...

An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a funeral director.

The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.

She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why?

1 for the ...

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

Closed Casket

An elderly couple were driving home from a wedding when they are involved in a head-on. The man is killed instantly, but the wife survives. The old lady explains to the funeral director that her husband had always wanted to be laid out in his good blue suit, but had been wearing it in the accident a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher headed out early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half- hour late, he saw the back...

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced

"From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want! Afterwa...

An old man dies.

His wife takes him to the funeral home, and the director tells her "Do you have any special request?"

The wife says "Well, yes. As you can see he is wearing a black suit. He loved blue. Please, not matter the cost, get him a blue suit."

"No problem", the funeral director says.

<...

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheape...

Joke my grandfather told me

There was this elderly couple, and the wife had always wanted to visit Israel. Eventually the husband got tired of her nagging him about it and decided to take the trip.

During the trip, however, she dies.

A kind Israeli funeral home owner offers to bury the man's wife for 150$. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road

Suddenly, he sees a funeral procession driving slowly down the road.

So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.

2 hours later, the funeral director comes up to the man , this time by himself.

"That was very r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Septic Tanks

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest th...

A lady interviewing an older lady

A newswoman was interviewing an older lady because, peculiarly, she had 4 husbands. The first one was a banker, the second a circus director, the third a preacher, and the fourth a funeral director. When asked why she had so many husbands, she thought, then replied "One for the money, two for the sh...

Joan Collins forced to flee fire:

The funeral director has had to make a formal apology as he could have sworn she was dead.

An old man dies...

...and at the funeral, his family members walk to the casket to say their final respects. When they're done, the old mans son notices a bulge in his fathers pants. When he goes to ask the funeral director about it, the director says "Oh, don't worry about that, it's just mourning wood"

Black and Blue

A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the funeral director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change.

On the day of the funeral, there was her husband in his coffin with a form...

A banker dies and his wife is making his funeral arrangements.

The funeral director notices that the husband died at work and came to him in a nicely pressed, gray suit. "Well," he said to the wife, "why don't we just keep him dressed like this, since he looks so nice?"


"No way," she replied, "He looked better in blue. I've been trying for years ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It Hurts..!!!

A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow.

"I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pa...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.