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The Weed-eater

Two guys are sitting out side of college registration comparing schedules. We'll call them Larry and David

Larry: What did you get on your schedule for this semester?

David: Oh... College algebra, Psych 101, English 101, you know.. just the basics.

Larry: I got college algebra...

Why don’t ant eaters get sick?

They have lots of anty bodies inside them.

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Joe, are at a bar...

Jim says, “You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,...

What do you call an annoying fish-eater?

A peskytarian

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

I always wanted to be a competitive eater

Unfortunately, I just never had the stomach for it

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Last night I went to an Ass Eater's Anonymous meeting and told them I relapsed..

They really chewed me out.

There are flat earthers, there are tide pod eaters,

And there are people who want the first two to be the same.

I've never understood picky eaters...

you won't eat a tomato but you'll put someones unwashed genitals in your mouth.

Decided to use guitar strings in my weed eater...

But now my yard seems a little flat.

I saw a very large woman in a bar wearing a T-shirt that said 'I'm a Man-Eater'

I walked up to her, shot her a grin and she told me "Let me guess, you've got a joke about how many men I've eaten?"
I simply told her she spelled manatee wrong.

So I was playing terraria and I got killed by an eater of souls...

Damn gingers

A black hole walks into a bar

The bartender asks, "Hey, would you like to buy anything?"



The black hole says, "No. I'm a light eater."

What do cannibal parents tell their kids when they become picky eaters?

Eat the vegetables

I think I'm a light eater.

As soon as it's light, I start eating.

Why are yogurt eaters sophisticated?

Because they're WELL-CULTURED.

Jared was a good eater

But he always left a little behind

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3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

Two cannibals stumble upon a corpse

They decide to eat the body. One started at the head while the other began with the feet. As they were eating, the face eater asks the other, “How's it going?”

The foot chewer replies “I am having a ball.”

“Slow down, you're eating too fast”

Why yes I’m also a member of PETA and an animal rights person

Yup I’m a Preferred Eater of Tasty Animals and all animals have a right to be served on my plate.

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A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

What is the group of cannibals who ate Elon Musk called?

The Three Musk eaters

Whats big, red, and eats rocks?

A big-red-rock-eater

Maybe its an XF?

A Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that his fork is missing,

he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my fork?"

Elephant replies: "What does it look like?"

Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."

Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse."

So the...

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An Englishman an Irishman and a Frenchman travel to the jungles of Africa

...and came across a tribe of man eaters that also had a grasp of the English language. The tribe leader expressed that today was a good day for the trio as the tribe had defeated an enemy tribe, had finished feasting and were preparing to celebrate so they had the option of offering a body part for...

A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. “About how long to get this repaired?” says the penguin. “Should only be about 30 mins” he replies.

It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is...

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Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you h...

I saw biggish girl at the pub last night,

Her t shirt said "watch out I'm a man eater!"

I went up to her and said " excuse me, love ... About your t shirt slogan."

She interrupted me and angrily snapped " oh let me guess: you want to know how many man I've eaten? Well, you know what, I can't help my size."

I said "Actu...

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X-Rated Cinderella

You all know the story, Cinderella makes a deal with the Fairy Godmother to go out to the ball, but this time, at midnight, its her downstairs that turns into a pumpkin.

So away she goes to find her Prince, while the Fairy Godmother sits at home waiting.

12 o'clock rolls around, and th...

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The real story of Cinderella

Many people don't know the true story, but the fairy godmother told Cinderella that if she did not return from the ball by midnight, her vagina would turn into a pumpkin. So Cinderella left and the fairy godmother waited patiently for her return. Midnight came, no Cinderella. 2am, no Cinderella. Fin...

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[NSFW] A Modern Day Cinderella Story

Cinderella is getting ready to go out to the club and tells her fairy god-mother that she wont be home until around 2 am. The fairy god-mother warns her, "If you're out past midnight, your pussy will turn into a pumpkin." Scared about what will happen, Cinderella reluctantly decides that she will b...

What's an incest lover's favorite animal?

Aunt-eater.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Cannibal Serial Killer?

A serial eater........ ...

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A man walks into a bar in a strange town...

He notices a huge jar full of cash behind the bar. He asks the bartender about it.

"Well, sir," the bartender says. "All the boys round here got a challenging. You put $100 in the jar here, and then you have to beat three challenges. If you do all three, you win the cash. Nobody's ever done ...

What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

What do you call a bottle that eats pliers, screwdrivers, and hammers?

A tool eater bottle.

If your Uncle was an animal, what one would he be?

An Aunt-eater.

What do you get when it rains t-rexes?

A meat-eater shower

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Cinderella wanted to go to the ball....

....but didn't have all the right gear - suddenly her fairy godmother appears and grants her all her wishes... "But remember deary, be home by midnight, or else your vagina will turn into a pumpkin"... She agrees and goes off to the ball, has a great time and meets Prince Charming....... but he's qu...

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A hunter feeds his kids

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he...

This penguin is driving around

when his car breaks down. He brings it to the local mechanic, a walrus. The walrus says it'll be a while, so he might as well get something to eat. The penguin decides to get some ice cream, because penguins love ice cream. But penguins are also very messy eaters. He gets this ice cream all ove...

Two jokes from little kids... That shouldn't have been from little kids.

I've never seen either of these posted, so I thought I would share. The first was told to me by my brother when he was about ten years old:

A group of white me in the early 1800's are looking to hunt buffalo in the great American West. They hire a Native American guide and set out. They pick ...

Why does nobody like eating with Lionel?

Because he is a Messi eater!

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Lots of Orgasms

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms <...

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A hunter brings home a deer he shot, and is preparing it for dinner.

His small kids ask what kind of meat they are going to eat, but he won't tell them - because they are picky eaters. The kids eat the venison, but keep asking him throughout dinner what it is, and he won't tell them.

When they are nearly finished, his daughter asks again, and this time the gu...