People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

I hear they're doing a remake of Die Hard starring Peppa Pig.

They're calling it "Yippie Ki Yay, Muddy Puddles"

My wife wanted to watch a movie, I suggested Die Hard, which I borrowed from our 70 y.o neighbor Mr. Murry Habitt back in xmas. I said :

Old Habitt's Die Hard

What does *The Art of War* have in common with *Die Hard*?

Both postulate one key thing: Victory cannot be savored without first experiencing the agony of de feet.

How did the Christian support group warn Chris Tucker about the hazardous weather conditions as he drove to the 'Die Hard' costume party?

'Slippy Highway, Brother Tucker'

I watched Die Hard the other day...

Was disappointed. The movie had *nothing* to do with autoerotic asphyxiation.

You can have my Die Hard puns...

When you pry them from my cold, dead, Hans.

Wow. Those Spaniards are some die hard Ozzy fans..

..cause they really went off the rails on a crazy train.

Hi, I'm black and I really can't stand it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. They say old habits die hard, but some habits never die..

Like the white men leaving us hanging

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I just found out that Bilbo Baggins died from a Viagra overdose. And that just goes to show you...

... old hobbits die hard

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

What do you call an erection after death?

Die Hard.

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What do you call a situation in which a person died while his penis was erect ?

A Die Hard situation

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Why did Bruce Willis eat a Viagra while his plane was crashing?

Cause he wanted to die hard

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I was having sex with John Mclane and he just... Passed away!

I guess it was a good day to die hard.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

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A man was addicted to pills and was told he needed help

He decided to quit after one last pill, he took a viagra.

When asked why he would take a viagra as his last pill he responded:

“Old habits die hard”

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

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Bruce Willis passes away from a Viagra overdose on 4/20/2069

He picked a good day to die hard

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you real...

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John McClane was found dead with a boner.

I never guessed he would die hard.

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"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

While on a date a women goes to the bathroom

Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room


Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!

Man: It's not a big deal.

Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.

Man: ...............

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What Do You Call A Man who Has a Heart Attack During Sex?

Die Hard.

Fellowship of the ring

As the fellowship of the ring was being formed Bilbo had been eavisdropping outside of the meeting, not being able to help his curiosity.
He had heard young Frodo take upon himself the burden of the ring, Sam, Merry and Pippin joining him on the foolish quest. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Boromir ...

I’m a huge fan of ALL of Bruce Willis’s work. I’ve seen every movie he’s in.

I guess you can say.. I’m a Die Hard fan.

I hired a German plumber the other day to fix my shower.

He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.

I guess old habits die hard.

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A rabbit in his 50s could not get it up anymore,

and since he had a reputation to uphold, he decided to start taking Viagra. The solution worked perfectly for years, until one day they gave him a fatal heart attack.
I guess old rabbits die hard.

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I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra.

Calling it "Die Hard".

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I'm making a movie about a man who's been cheated on

Pissed off at his girlfriend, the man has one goal. He wants to have sex with her one last time, only this time it will be a hate-fuck. He pops a viagra and begins his angry thrusting. Immediately before orgasm he has a heart attack and passes away.

The movie shall be titled "Die Hard with a...

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The German Plumber.

Yesterday as I was taking my morning shower at 7:00am, it stopped half way through when I was putting my shampoo in my hair, great, so I wiped it out with a towel. I called a man after I came back from work around 5pm. The man, at first, sounded French but with almost an American accent, probably si...

There are two types of people in the world...

Those who know Die Hard is a Christmas movie,

And those who need to learn the true meaning of Christmas.

I once met Bruce Willis

I once met Bruce Willis at a fancy dress party. He was wearing a really shabby looking nun outfit. I was told that he'd worn the same costume to every fancy dress party he'd attended for years. I suppose old habits die hard.

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Why does Bruce Willis live in America and watch porn?

Because he wants to live free and die hard

I used to watch lots of Bruce Willis movies, but now I don't.

I guess old habits Die Hard.

^Someone ^please ^slap ^me.

^EDIT: ^Even ^better, ^this ^was ^a ^shower ^thought ^too...

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

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A man's wife is going to kick him out of the house for drinking too much.

Joe and his friends frequent one bar in town a lot and his wife hates it. She thinks he drinks entirely too much and it is causing a problem in their marriage . After one particularly long bender Joe ends up puking all over himself before he stumbles back home.


Joe wakes up to his wife sc...

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