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Die Hard Jokes

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

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Why did Bilbo have a boner at his own funeral?

Because old Hobbits die hard.

People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

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A man died of Viagra overdose...

His favorite movie always had been "Die Hard".

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

What does *The Art of War* have in common with *Die Hard*?

Both postulate one key thing: Victory cannot be savored without first experiencing the agony of de feet.

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

In Spain, "Die Hard" is called "La Jungla de Cristal"...

... it should have been called "Muerte Fuerte".

My wife wanted to watch a movie, I suggested Die Hard, which I borrowed from our 70 y.o neighbor Mr. Murry Habitt back in xmas. I said :

Old Habitt's Die Hard

I watched Die Hard the other day...

Was disappointed. The movie had *nothing* to do with autoerotic asphyxiation.

Wow. Those Spaniards are some die hard Ozzy fans..

..cause they really went off the rails on a crazy train.

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

Hi, I'm black and I really can't stand it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. They say old habits die hard, but some habits never die..

Like the white men leaving us hanging

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

How did the Christian support group warn Chris Tucker about the hazardous weather conditions as he drove to the 'Die Hard' costume party?

'Slippy Highway, Brother Tucker'

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Why do elderly halflings avoid taking viagra?

Because old Hobbits die hard.

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

I didn't want my dogs to die on me, so...

I named them Old and Habits. After all, old habits die hard.

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They just made a movie about a guy who perished after overdosing on Viagra.

"Die Hard" is the title.

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What do you call it when a guy gets murdered during sex?

Die Hard

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My grandpa took Viagra every single day until the day it killed him.

I guess old habits die hard.

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Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you real...

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I have poisoned each of my ex-boyfriends with a whole bottle of Viagra, and I’m going to do it again when this guy breaks up with me

I wish I could stop, but old habits die hard.

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viagra overdose

grandpa became a die hard fan of viagra ever since he overdosed on it

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Why did bruce willis take a lethal amount of viagra?

he wanted to die hard

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What do you call a situation in which a person died while his penis was erect ?

A Die Hard situation

A hobbit walks into a hospital room.

His grandfather was on his deathbed. After talking to him, he laid down and closed his eyes. He slowly got an erection. Everyone in the room was slightly confused. Sensing the tension in the room, he whispered something in his grandson's ear and died. When others asked him what it was, he replied "O...

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I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra.

Calling it "Die Hard".

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I was having sex with John Mclane and he just... Passed away!

I guess it was a good day to die hard.

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Bruce Willis passes away from a Viagra overdose on 4/20/2069

He picked a good day to die hard

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A man was addicted to pills and was told he needed help

He decided to quit after one last pill, he took a viagra.

When asked why he would take a viagra as his last pill he responded:

“Old habits die hard”

Did you hear about the new Bruce Willis movie?

Bruce Willis has to go undercover in a retirement home for nuns to stop a terrorist plot.

It's called "Old Habits Die Hard".

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

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"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

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A man's wife is going to kick him out of the house for drinking too much.

Joe and his friends frequent one bar in town a lot and his wife hates it. She thinks he drinks entirely too much and it is causing a problem in their marriage . After one particularly long bender Joe ends up puking all over himself before he stumbles back home.


Joe wakes up to his wife sc...

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John McClane was found dead with a boner.

I never guessed he would die hard.

I’m a huge fan of ALL of Bruce Willis’s work. I’ve seen every movie he’s in.

I guess you can say.. I’m a Die Hard fan.

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

I hired a German plumber the other day to fix my shower.

He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.

I guess old habits die hard.

While on a date a women goes to the bathroom

Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room


Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!

Man: It's not a big deal.

Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.

Man: ...............

My wife got mad at me for my long-term addiction to watching Bruce Willis movies.

I told her old habits die hard

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