UPJOKE
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Why are Diesel engines so loud?

Because you get more bang for your buck.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

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Did you see they're turning poop into diesel now?

Turns out you can get pretty far with a load of bullshit.

My friends told me to switch from a petrol to a diesel car

I am afraid I just don't feel that spark anymore

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

I accidentally put diesel in the escort.

She’s dead now.

What’s Vin Diesels favourite car

Mazda Familia

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

Who can drink 2 gallons of diesel?

Jerry can!

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

Diesel Fitter

Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployme...

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Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

Diesel Fitter

Because of the down turn of the economy, Marv and Billy were laid off. They went to the unemployment office to file for unemployment.

When asked his occupation, Marv said, "Crotch sewer. I sew the crotches on to panty hose." The clerk looked up sewer and found it classified as unskilled labo...

"Talk dirty to me!"she begged.

"Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"

What do both Paul Walker and Vin Diesel have in common?

Both of their last big hits were trees

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Vin Diesel is back as Xander Cage in

TedXXX

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What is Vin Diesel's lovemaking style?

Pitch Black, Multi-Facial, XXX and Fast and Furious.

Vin Diesel pulled up next to me at a light the other day

Shocked, I saw him motion for me to roll down my window. I did and he said to me:

"You know what I put in my car?"

"Gas?" I replied.

"Diesel" he said and then he sped off.

Weird Al and Vin Diesel should team up with a chip tune band

Then they could be Al, Vin & The Chip Monks

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

Vin Diesel wants the next Fast and Furious movie to be a musical.

It’s called “*Jesus Christ, Supercar!*”

Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend?

Because they're both roasted

Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift.

Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light.
After a while the man asked.
Man: "So what's your name?"
Vin: "Cin Diesel"
Man: "Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"
Vin: "No it's Cin Diesel"
Man: "But why?"
Vin: "Because at the speed of light c=v"

A man applies for a job as a diesel fitter at a women's underwear factory. He asks his supervisor what the job entails.

The supervisor takes some underwear off the line, puts it on his head and says, "Deez'll fit 'er!"

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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Things are pretty bad right now

Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.

In 1959, the Florida panhandle was hit with a devastating hurricane...

In 1959, the Florida panhandle was hit with a devastating hurricane. Many of the buildings and homes in Destin were damaged. The "Gulfarium", which had opened a few years earlier, was largely undamaged. Their diesel generators were meant for the numerous fish and marine mammals, but could easily han...

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got fired

They go to the unemployment office and Boudreaux goes in first. The man behind the desk says “Mr. Boudreaux, I’m sorry to hear that you lost your job. What did you do for a living?” Boudreaux replies “I’m a diesel fitter.” The clerk says, “Okay, diesel fitter is skilled labor, so we can give you...

After a fight, my girlfriend wanted to know where we stood. I told her I loved her like Vin Diesel loves Paul Walker. She got all giddy and told me how much she loves me too.

I looked at her with confusion and clarified: "What I meant was you're dead to me."

Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

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Putin,Obama and Merkel (German chancellor) meet

Putin says:We have the best submarines they can be under water for over 5 months.

Obama replies:pff our submarines can stay for over a year under water.

In the moment Merkel wants to reply a submarine appears and a guy opens the door and says: hail Hitler we need more diesel.

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

Your Mama's so fat

.. her CPAP runs on diesel.

Question to all men

If you had to choose between a wonderful wife and really awesome car

What would you choose?


Options

a) Petrol Car

b) Diesel Car

As they loaded my mother-in-law into the ambulance...

...I reached into my wallet and pulled out all the cash I had. Taking the arm of the paramedic, I offered him the money.

"I know it's not much", I said (it was £80), "but please, if you can, see what you can do"

He looked into my tear soaked eyes, the blue lights from the ambulance mak...

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

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So Merkel, Trump and Putin meet at the coast of normandy ...

Trump starts to tell them as soon as he arrives "we invented some new submarines, which can permanently stay under water for almost a month now". "Hah. We already invented submarines, that only have to cut surface once a year" Putin proudly replies. Both look at Merkel waiting for her to top them, b...

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Two Newfie brothers are looking for a job...

The first brother walks in and the recruiter asks "What do you do?" The Newfie replied "I'm a diesel fitter" and the recruiter says "Excellent, we can put you to work straight away in the oil fields." Excited, he goes and tells his brother he has a job. His brother walks in and the recruiter asks hi...

If you had to choose between a nice wife or a new truck

Would you get gas or diesel?

Ole & Sven go to the unemployment office

Ole and Sven were just laid off from the lingerie factory so they went to the unemployment office to collect their checks.

Ole goes up and rings the bell. The lady asks, "What can I do for you?"
Ole replied, "I vas just laid off from vork and I vant to collect my unemployment"
Lady - "W...

I finally bought an electric toothbrush

In these days, I couldn’t keep my diesel driven one

Hollywood is really taking climate change seriously

Vin Diesel even changed his name to Vin Solar

Breaking News

Vinn Diesel is now married to the voice actor who voiced Ariel in Disney’s The Little Mermaid. They wanted a big, luxurious wedding but with everything going on they opted for a small, private ceremony. Not because of Corona Virus; but because they didn’t want anyone catching a Vinn-Ariel disease.

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

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Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: "Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!". Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: "That's nothing, our Russian...

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Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approa...

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World Leaders

President Macron, Theresa May and Angela Merkel meet for a summit at the North Sea.

Gazing over the water, May says, "We have a submarine that can stay underwater for 10 days."  Macron responds, "That's nothing, our submarines can stay underwater for 30 days!"  Merkel looks quite ashamed and ...

Dominic Toretto's car wouldn't run

It had diesel in it.

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post t...

[Long] A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow.

A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow. Shortly after takeoff the Frenchman opens the window and sticks his hand out.

Then he brings his hand back in, sniffs it, and proclaims "We are above France right now!" The German and Russian ask him how he knows thi...

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

A group of farming mathmeticians in the Midwest are doing well for themselves

These farmers use their mathmatical expertise to best know how to plot their lands, when to start planting or harvesting, and overall how to have a good yield.

Recently, the state has been pushing for a ban on diesel-engine tractors due to their heavy usage on non-renewable resources and how...

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

Two Newfie brothers, Bob and Tom, go to the unemployment office one day.

After hours of standing in line, Bob is called in to speak with a social worker.

The social worker asks him "What is your occupation?"

Bob replies "I'm a diesel fitter."

The social worker informs Bob that she just happens to know of a trucking company that is hiring for this pos...

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Trump and Putin

were visiting Merkel in Germany.
The three were walking on a beach and talking about their militarys when Trump said:" We have the best submarines, believe me they are yuuuge. They can stay under water for days without needing to get up."
Putin started to laugh:" xaxaxa thats nothing our subma...

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