UPJOKE
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What two things do supervisors and diapers have in common?

They're both full of shit and their always on your ass.

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

Why do you put diapers on a baby?

To tie up loose ends

"Well, here is your problem," the doctor says to the first-time father. "It seems that this child needs a diaper change."

The new father replies, "That can't be! The package said it was good for 8-10 pounds."

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I saw my son playing with a used diaper while the AC was on

It was all fun and games untill shit hit the fan

Politicians are like diapers.

You should change them often and for the same reasons. - (not) Mark Twain

What do you call a baby who just got his diaper changed inside an airport?

Duty Free

A man buys adult diapers

The clerk asks "are you one of those weirdos with a diaper fetish?" with a judgmental look on his face



The man says "no, I'm an Amazon warehouse employee."



The clerk says "Ah, I understand now."

Joseph and Mary tried to throw out one of Jesus' diapers

But there was no room in the bin

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often...

For the same reasons.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:

They should both be changed regularly, for the same reason.

I just bought #1 baby diapers

However my newborn doesn't seem to care, and she also went number two on them.

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Why do we have diaper brands named "Huggies, luvs and Depends?

When a baby shits themselves we will still "Hug" and "love" them.


When an old person shits themselves it "depends" who is on the will...

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I've just had to take my son's shitty diaper off.

I don't know why I tried it on in the first place.

My sister is dating a diaper fetishist...

She doesn't like like it, but she thinks she can change him.

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What did the trash can say to the diaper?

I’m fed up of this shit

I've informed my pregnant wife that I am never changing diapers.

I'm very content with the ones I currently wear.

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What did Joseph say when changing Jesus’s first diaper?

HOLY SHIT!

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not o...

With #DiaperDon trending on Twitter, his weird dancing makes since.

He’s trying to wiggle out his poo.

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The young son asks the father what politics is

The young son asks the father what politics is. The father says, "Let's take our family, for example. I bring the money home, so we call me capitalism. Your mother manages the money, so we call her the government. We both look after your welfare almost exclusively, so you are the people. Our maid is...

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Quarantine is risking a condom shortage. Diaper manufacturers are already gearing up.

They know shit already.

A chef was working in the kitchen and decided to take a break when his wife brought their infant son into the restaurant. He took his son, cradled him in his arms, and began gently swaying back and forth. Suddenly, the baby filled his diaper, and the stench filled the room.

One of the diners said to another, “Can you smell what the cook is rockin’?”

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What's the difference between a diaper and a politician?

When a diaper is full of shit, it gets discarded. When a politician is full of shit, it runs for president.

Diapers are like guns...

You always have to assume they’re loaded.

How has there not been a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies?

Those things have never held the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

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Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids

You can't half ass it.

My wife is so negative... I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag

But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Pitbull saves family from house fire, pulls 7-month-old girl by her diaper

Good to know he's doing more than just music these days.

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.

My friend asked me, "What kind of adult diapers do they sell for Pennywise the Clown?"

It depends.

What do you give a pig with a diaper rash?

Oinkment

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people....

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

I saw a lady crying at the supermarket today because she had lost her money and couldn't buy diapers that she wanted to buy.

I felt so bad that I bought them for her, but it's fine because I found a 100 dollar bill at the parking lot anyways.

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Two bums are walking down the street

Two bums are walking down the street when the 1st bum notices a foul smell. He turns to his buddy and asks “Whew, Raymond, did you shit your pants!?”

“Nah man, I didn’t.”

They walk a bit further when the 1st bum realizes something still really stinks. He asks again”Hey Raymond! You’re ...

Where do people who need adult diapers live?

In continents.

Proper diaper fitting

If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.

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My wife hates cleaning so now I'm paying for a maid, she hates changing diapers so now I'm paying for a nanny...

And she hates having sex with me so now I'm paying for a tennis coach.

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My brother just fed my 10 m.o. nephew a whole bowl guacamole before dropping him off with me. Now I've gotta change the diaper.

What a dip shit.

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Never trust a baby with a full diaper

They're full of shit

I asked my grandpa if he has to wear a diaper...

He said "depends"

What do you call someone who wears a diaper fashioned from a map?

Incontinent

Diapers

Why are baby’s diapers called loves, huggies, and pampers, while adult diapers are called depends?

Well that’s because when we’re babies our family will still pamper, love, and give us huggies after changing our diaper, but when we’re adults it depends on who’s in the will.

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I used to change adult diapers for a living...

But I don't deal with that shit anymore.

Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?

So he could save his stool.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Ive been playing uno with my kids for 50 years now.

I finally dropped my reverse card and now they have to change my diapers.

Why do tectonic plates wear diapers?

Because they're in continents.

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

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How are Trump and a diaper the same?

Both are self absorbed and full of shit.

Why did the sailor bring diapers on shore leave?

He was worried about being in continent

Hey Girl.....

Unless he wears a diaper, you can't change him.

My crush's ex-boyfriend was into wearing diapers

I asked her best friend what she likes in a guy. She said, "Depends..."

I think my wife is changing our son's diapers too often.

It says right on the box that they're good for up to 14lbs.

Why do gardeners like to wear diapers?

In case they get soiled

A father's view of diaper changes

So a mother of a baby had to go out for the day, and left the father in charge of things.

"Do you know what you're doing, with the diapers? You've never changed one."

"Sure, no problem, have a good time! Don't worry about us!"

Mother comes back in the evening, the baby's diaper ...

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Car accident

A man is called to the hospital, his wife and mother in law were in an accident. His wife held over for observation, and the doctor asks if his wife has any siblings.

He replies "no she an only child"

Dr Says "well than I am sorry to tell you you mother in law is very bad off. She has ...

The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm meeting my blind date here tonight," he tells the bartender. "She's the sister of one of my friends. All he told me was that she was blonde and is expecting a baby." "Well," the bartender replies. "That explains why you're sitting here in just a diaper....

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Father's Day Joke

In honor of Father's Day, here's a joke that my brother (now a father) made up when he was barely out of diapers:

Q: Why did the little boy pull out all of his teeth?

.

.

.

A: Because he wanted to be a dad.

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Timmy was asked to do presentation about corruption in a country.

He wrote on the whiteboard:
-A country is like a family
-Government is the mother who manage the family.
-Capitalist is like the father who earns money for family.
-The maid is the working class.
-I am the citizen while my baby brother is the future of family.

Intrigued, the te...

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One day little Billy's teacher told him to ask his parents what the government is

\--Dad, can you tell me about the government

\--Well, think of it like this, I'm the president, your mom is congress, the maid is the working force, you are the people and.... your little brother is the future.

\--I don't get it

Dad sent Billy to sleep telling him that he'll kno...

A woman visits the doctor...

As she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Politicians are like diapers...

They're almost exclusively white

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